Post # 1
Please bees, any comments, advices and suggestions wil be greatly appreciate it!
Me and FH have been together for about 6 years, but from day one its been an argument about anything and everything you could possibly think of, and its mainly him who starts the fight. I am a more passive person that can only be set off if something major is going on and really bothering me, but not at every single little thing unlike him, its more like the roles have inverted in this relationship where “normally” the female is the one that argues about everything. I have had soooooo much patience, that patience should be my name instead. When we fight which is all the time, he then lasts 2-3 days mad And its like he cannot control what he says when I even know he doesnt mean it…we dont ever call each other any offensive words…we just went through a heck of a weekend and he told me he needs help because he doesnt know how to control his emotions when he gets mad at anything…and I dont know what to do or try to make this better because its really getting to a point that i am tired of this, and we love each other, but this is way too much to handle, or keep on handling. Any of you have had this problem, where it got better by doing something? Or any tips anyone can give me? I am desperately needing some advice because I love him, but he is going to drive me insane if this continues!
Post # 3
FI and I used to fight ALL THE TIME, mainly about communication and broken promises. We got a little better at the end of last year, but still fought heaps. Then in March this year I was diagnosed with severe depression. Since then we have rarely fought, and even then it was only slight disagreements. So I don’t really have much advice for you sorry! Just saying it does get better 🙂
Post # 4
He said that he needs help, so I think that he should get it. You should look into couples counseling as well as individual therapy sessions for him. At least he acknowledges that there is a problem (that’s step one!). Step two is solving it. Good luck.
Post # 5
Tip: Counseling. You guys need to figure out how to handle conflict. Pre-marital counseling is a good idea anyway. Then maybe it will come up that he should have some one-on-one counseling, or maybe you can find a pre-marital counselor that does some sessions together, some alone.
If you and/or he aren’t willing to do that, frankly – I’d be out. And not just willing, but actually going and doing it. No lip service here, it has to be action to fix this. 6 years of fighting? Get real!! No way would I want to live that way – and obviously you don’t either based on your comments.
You’re going to have some serious habits/patterns to break with your methods of communication. It’s going to take hard work and commitment from both of you.
You may want to check out Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. How conflict is handled is a big one, and it’s all scientifially based. That could be a good baby step towards counseling. (Our pre-marital counselor used Gottman’s principles and they really rung true for me.)
Post # 6
First, let him get help and then go to counseling together.
Post # 7
I hate to say this, but my ex and I were like this. We had a really hot and cold relationship. Ie we were either fighting or loving. I ended up leaving him, which was the hardest thing I’ve done. I said that even if I never found someone else, I would at least not fight daily, weekly. Turns out I found someone even better. I think sometimes when things get to the point of daily fighting, you just need to leave. With my ex, we both thought we were the problem (that we didn’t know how to control ourselves and there was a lot of shame), but the real problem was us being together. Just thinking about being with him makes me exhausted. I’m not saying that you should leave your FI, but marriage doesn’t make things better.
Post # 8
All I can say is that there is no way I would have spent 6 years fighting with anyone. sweetheart, there are LOTS of great guys out there that you would be more compatible with, and who will treat you with respect. If I were you, i’d go find one. No one should have to put up with what you described (I did for 3 years, and that was more than enough. I thank my stars every day that even though we were engaged, I didn’t follow through and marry him.)
Post # 9
This was exactly the same boat FI and I were in. We talked about it and came to the conclusion he has a hard time (like your SO) controling his emotions/reactions. Once my benefits kicked in he agreed to start doing anger management. Since I knew I wasn’t always the best at “fighting fair” we decided to go and do it together. We’ve been doing private counselling for almost 6 months now, and while it started out as anger counselling, it helped uncover some underlying issues that neither of us really realized were there… and honestly, we rarely fight now… but when we do we fight fairly and respectfully (no name calling, yelling, etc..)
While often times counselling is thrown out kind of lightly, I think in a situation like this you don’t treat it as “counselling” but more as a moderator to discuss calmly… it’s a safe place to talk it all out with guidance.
I suggest trying counselling- if he won’t go for it, take a break.. because things won’t change just by sitting around
Post # 10
I agree… I think he has something going on that is triggering him and perhaps needs some skill building in emotional regulation/communication. That being said, even if he won’t go to counselling, I think you should. You need to learn how to handle him better, how to best support him and… I hate to say it, but whether this is something you are willing to tolerate forever (if he is unwilling to change).
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It sounds like you need to get him into counseling ASAP. I would also hold off on any planning until you get this issue sorted out, because if he can’t change, it doesn’t sound like you would be okay with marrying him. Good luck! It’s a good sign that he’s recognized the problem and wants help.
Post # 12
Six years of constant arguments lasting 2-3 days? Sorry to say, but I would’ve been out the door a long time ago. If he doesn’t agree to counseling, I’d seriously reevaluate this relationship.
Post # 14
@NAvery: thxs for the advices, I will def look into this book and also ofcourse counseling, and we see how that goes.
Post # 15
Yes, at this point so far he has acknowledged that he has a problem, which neither one of us know how to handle, and he says he is willing to go to counseling, although i have never done it before So I wasnt sure if it actually works, and ofcourse I would imagine if it works, it would for people that actually try. But i know theres a reason underneath the way he acts. He is a former military so perhaps that and many other struggles he has been through is the reason why he is the way he is, but its hard to deal with that situation. I am def gonna take him into counseling and hold off on any plans further, until we see how it goes. Thxs all for your advices!
Post # 16
I think it’s great that he’s willing to get help. It sounds like you really care about him, so I think you just need to be by his side and tell him you’ll support him through conselling and try to make this work. Maybe he could try individual counselling and if he feels comfortable, to invite you in on some sessions.