Post # 1
I’ve not really been an active member on these boards but I guess I’m looking for any support possible!
I recently split (mutually..well as mutual as you can get) with my fiance. We were together for 6.5 years, had been engaged for about 18 months and were due to be getting married in May ’15.
We’d been having a number of problems for at least the last 12 months, he’s been suffering with depression and whilst i’ve tried to help him through it, i suffered the brunt of his frustration and anger. In April he called the wedding off and I had to cancel all arrangements (which pretty much broke my heart there and then) and we’ve spent since then trying to work through the issues until we agreed that things weren’t getting better and it couldnt carry on.
We’re in the awkward stage of still living together for the next few weeks at the moment as we rent a house together until we move out, and whilst we both said we want to be friends and deep down still love each other a lot of hutful things are still being said on both parts.
What I guess I’m looking for is for someone to tell me it can get better? Is it possible to remain friends after so much? Even more so does it stop huting and can you move on?
Post # 2
lucy_w: Wow this is tough. I’ve never been in this sort of situation (have had relationships end but never one so serious) so I can only imagine how hard it must be.
But it will get better. Once you move out and aren’t seeing him everyday it will be easier for you to move on and start building on yourself and your own life.
I would recommend not trying to be friends right now. I’m sure there are a lot of built up emotions and trying to be friends is like clinging on to something that is no longer there and will ultimately make it harder for you to move on. Maybe after a while you can reconnect and start working on a friendship but for now I think it’s best to cut the ties.
Stay strong x
Post # 3
You can move on, it will just take time. I know you love him, but I also know how much of a relief it is to not be responsible for another person’s emotional well-being. Take some real time apart from your ex, allow yourself to heal, and then if you’re ready, reach out in friendship toward him. Things will never be the same, but with enough time you can still have a friendship with one another.
Post # 4
lucy_w: I had a relationship of that length end as well. It does get better, with time. In the beginning, I found myself trying to hang on and still be in contact and try to be friends. It doesn’t work. You can’t be friends until you are over the break up. What I would recommend is to get out of the house as soon as you can and cut off all contact (or at least as much as possible, no long conversations, no hanging out, this only slows the healing process). The way I look at it is like this…. a break up is an emotional wound, and much like a physical wound, you can either put a bandaid on it and let it heal (no contact) or keep picking at it (seeing eachother, talking, it only serves to reopen the wound). Start doing things for youself, hang out with friends, maybe even start dating other people. Try online dating, even if you don’t want to go out with anybody, it can still be a confidence boost to see how many people are interested in you. Months down the road, once you are over the break up, then decide whether you want to be friends with your ex.
Honestly, I never thought that I could live without my ex in my life, when we broke up I wanted more than anything to remain friends, he did too. In the end, once I snapped out of the relationship fog, I realized that I really didn’t want to be his friend, so that was that.
Post # 5
ITA, you have got to get away from him asap. And go No Contact. Over time, you may decide he’s not a person you want in your life as a friend.
Post # 6
Hello – I also recently broke up with my fiance, although we were not together nearly as long as you (a little over 2 years). We broke up about two weeks ago, so I am obviously still struggling. However, it has helped immensely to have no contact. We were still talking for about a week after we broke up, and have not talked the last three days, and I have been feeling way better, although it is still on my mind alot. I know you two still live together, is there anywhere you can stay at night until your lease is up? Or can you work on signing your own lease now since there are only a few weeks left on your lease? I think moving out would help you greatly.
Also – something I’ve learned from a previous breakup of a 5 year relationship (before ex-FI), do not try and remain friends right away. We tried, and it blew up in our faces and hurt even more than the actual break up. We do not speak to this day, which is sad since we were such a significant part of eachothers’ lives for five years. I do not think friendship is possible until both parties are truly over the breakup (which only comes from no contact!) and would be truly ‘okay’ with being friends with the other person even if they begin dating someone else.
Best of luck to you, and PM me if needed 🙂
Post # 7
Thanks for the kind words ladies.
Cupcakenurse: I can go and stay with my mum, which I’m going to start doing for maybe a couple of nights a week to give us both a bit of a break. I’m going to be moving in with her until I can find a new place to live as I’m going to try and buy a house instead of rent. I’m starting to pack this week and aiming to move out around the 1st Jan.
It’s nice to hear that I’m not alone in feeling so confused, I think you’re all right about needing separation before we can be friends, we lasted about a week of normality and its got really hard from then onwards.
At least there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Post # 8
lucy_w: Sorry you are going through this. My ex husband and I are still definitely friends and our relationship has changed but we still love each other.
Sometimes you realize that while you love someone, being together in that capacity isn’t good for either of you. And that is ok.
The pain does get better. I think you need to stop saying hurtful things to each other. Nothing good will come from it so just stop. Respect each other as you did in the beginning when you were in love and leave each other alone so you can move on and look towards your futures.
Post # 9
No contact is the ONLY way. You can’t have it both ways…sorry. I have been there and trust me, trying to attempt a friendship will only prolong the hope and it will not get better if you do so. It’s like a bandaid and you have to just rip it off.
Post # 11
I too am going through a separation and I was just married this past May. Things will get better, just make sure you are taking care of yourself and doing things that make you happy. In my experience, it’s doubtful you two will remain friends But unfortunately and fortunately that’s just the way it is. Remaiming friends sometimes means you are holding into something from the past and it wont fully allow you to move on.
Good luck with the move. And just remember everything happens for a reason!
Post # 12
Yes, it gets better. I think what helps though is cutting off contact at first anyway. You have to move on and give yourself space to stop thinking about him all the time. With my break up from my long term SO I kept busy with friends and work activities and kept contact with the ex to an absolute minimum. I deleted him and all of his family on facebook and his closest friends. The other problem that I ran into was that initially, though I knew we couldn’t just be friends I hoped we could be a bit more pleasant to each other but that kind of broke down as we started to move on with our lives. A part of me wishes we could send an email every six months that was pleasant, hi, how is life kind of thing since we had such a long shared history but then I also think maybe that would be disrespectful to my new BF so maybe its for the best and it certainly made it easier to move on. Focus on moving on now and keep focusing on that for awhile before considering being friends.
Post # 13
It does get better. One of my dearest friends went through the exact same thing (same years of relationship, but it was mostly his decision). That was May. As of probably a month ago, she has realized that she’s so much happier and that while she thought she was happy, she had been settling. You will get there too!! Sending lots of happy thoughts your way!
Post # 14
lucy_w: Well, you are in a very awkward position of still living with him. I divorced a man who wouldn’t get help for his depression (among many other reasons to leave him) so I know what you might’ve been going through. Yes, we remain friends and yes, I have definitely moved passed it. In fact, the more I got away from it, the better and lighter I felt, like a weight was lifted. And now I’m remarried to an awesome awesome guy. You’re just in that really sucky stage right now, but it.will.get.better!!