Post # 1
Semi-regular bee going anon…
I’m wondering, for those ladies that didn’t move in with their DH ’til just before or after they were married, if it get’s easier with time?
DH and I didn’t live together ’til a month before the wedding and we’ve been married for 5 months. We both knew it would be a transition, but what I wasn’t expecting was the bickering, walking on egg shells, at times wishing I was living alone again and glad when he leaves for an evening. This isn’t ALL the time, but it’s more than I would want.
We were having problems with intimacy, not having as much sex as DH would have liked. For me, I just didn’t feel like it all the time, anymore. I chalked it up to the stress of moving, being in a new area and my lack of confidence because of weight gain. Also, DH usually works or helps family/friends in the evenings and by the time he gets home I’m asleep in bed. We’ve talked about this and it’s slowly improving.
A lot of people say the 1st year of marriage is the hardest, but what about that newlywed bliss I’ve heard of as well? In all honesty, I haven’t felt any of it.
Does it get better and easier with time? Are we just still in that transition phase; adjusting to each other’s quirks and getting used to living together? Should I sit and have a long talk with him, again?
Post # 3
I think you HAVE to find a comfortable way to discuss these things, otherwise they fester and you start resenting each other.
Remember, it’s an adjustment for him, too, so try not to make personal attacks or be accusatory. You WILL have to find ways to compromise, it’s not ever going to be the way it was when you lived alone again. You need to pick your battles. Assess what matters in the long run and what you can learn to live with before you come at him with them. And be prepared to hear from him what things you do are bothering him…and then decide to work on changing the things you can change.
Post # 4
We didn’t live together till we got married. I can honestly say that we’ve been very happy and we’ve not fought or anything like that, but there’s definitely an adjustment period.
Even still, adjusting to living together shouldn’t make you miserable. I think it’s something to continue talking about, as it’s not all going to get better at once. Hang in there hun!
Post # 5
FI and I moved in 1.5 months before engagement, and have lived together for about 8 months now. I will admit, at first it was an adjustment, as we had different habits, definitions of “clean”, and schedules to get used to. But I put it all out there (as nicely as I could) as to how I hoped we’d live, and what he did that drove me crazy (for instance, dirty dishes piling up in sink instead of putting them in the dirty dishwasher). I am a firm believer in honesty and being upfront (but nice!), and that really worked for us. Plus, FI is pretty easy to get along/live with; he is very respectful. I do think it will get easier as you discuss things and work through differences.
Post # 6
I’ve lived with one of my exes; though, the FI and I have not lived together yet. These issues comes up then, too, and sometimes the issues never go away either. It is totally normal.
You might be putting too pressure on living “happily ever after”. Try to be open with one another and let him know what you’re feeling. Maybe he feels the same? And, you might be able to come together for a compromise. Good luck!
Post # 7
Thanks ladies. Brings me some comfort.
Post # 8
There is a level of this that is normal. I definitely need my alone time each week and DH knows and respects that. We still argue over cleaning and are still adjusting to sharing household responsibilities. However, the most important thing is that you have to be able to reasonably talk about your issues and concerns. This is your new home together and it should feel like home for both of you. It also sounds like you moved to a new place — try to find groups or things you can do by yourself so that you still feel like you have your life and independence. I’d also say try to identify specific actions or times when you are feeling resentful or angry and what triggered that, or times when he gets angry and what triggered that. That may help you narrow down your issues. Good luck!
Post # 9
DH and I lived together before we were married (for something like 4 years), but I still feel like I can weigh in on this one.
When we moved in together we definitely went through a transition period that lasted 6-8 months and was quite trying at times. In speaking with my girlfriends about this they have all experienced the same thing when moving in with their SOs. I think it has a lot to do with day-to-day things that don’t come up very much when you aren’t living together (especially things like money, household chores, and sex). It’s a major change in your life/living arrangement and therefore stands to reason that a transition period is very normal.
I feel like I’ve said this a bajillion times on the boards, but I highly recommend the book The 7 Principles for Making Major Work by John Gottman. It is a great resource that not only gives you tools to help find common ground with your partner, it also talks about how, on certain matters, it’s okay to disagree.
Post # 10
We didn’t live together until we were married. I will say the first 6 – 9 months were definitely an adjustment. You’re setting up a new household, so there is a certain amount of time it takes to get used to being around each other all the time. By year 3, things get SO much better. I don’t know what it is, but something just seemed to click this year and now our household runs like clockwork (for the most part). We split work fairly evenly (dishes, laundry, etc.), which initially was problematic. We eventually learned each others skills in certain areas, which helps (I’m the better cook, he works wonders with keeping the house vacuumed several days a week).
Hang in there! 🙂
Post # 11
I think that the living together thing was way harder than the marrying thing. We did fight kind of a lot our first 6-9-ish months we lived together. I think it was just figuring out how to live with that person, which battles to pick, etc. You’ll work it out.
Post # 12
@anonymous06: It gets better, but you & DH need to work on it. I’ve been married 5 years (next month), and we have both had to learn how to pick our battles, and adapt/create ‘new routines’ that we both could live with. For example, at first, my DH didn’t think twice about using my towel and tossing it on the floor when he was done, then I would go to take a shower, and have no towel…stupid, but so annoying!! To remedy this, we now use color coded towels…he is green, and I am white. To this day, we still stick to our own towels. Simple; and it worked!
Post # 13
We also have been living together, and the first year or so was hard. Huge adjustment. I would assume that with doing that after marriage it would be even more change and stress.
I think you will work it out. My advice is to communicate, be completely honest, and things will sort themselves out.
Post # 14
@hergreenapples: We are reading this together right now (we each have a copy) and have felt like it has a lot of really great information!
Post # 15
DH and I lived together for years before we got married, and I will never ever forget the transition you’re talking about! The first week or two was super great– we were all giddy with the “yay we’re sharing a home” glow. Then pretty soon he stopped thinking it was cute when I tried on 6 outfits before school and left them all over the floor and it started driving me crazy that he left his hair clippings all over the bathroom when he shaved his beard every day. My piece of advice: communication is key! Don’t be confrontational, but be honest that you’re having a hard time with the transition. Also, make time for yourself. You get so wrapped up in newlywed bliss that it’s easy to forget that you need your own space as well. Take some time to go to the gym– if the weight gain is bothering you like you mentioned– and pick up a hobby of your own. Maybe do some cute decorating projects around the house to make it feel more like home. Hang in there!! It will get better!
Post # 16
There’s definitely an adjutsment period to living together. Probably more for me than for FH… we’ve been living together for 2.5 years now. We started by me moving into his miniature sized one bedroom condo. It’s an adjustment. There’s nowhere to go to get privacy, and when you are pushing 30 (as i was at the time) and have never lived with a guy, you forget that they’ve spent the last 30 years living COMPLETELY differently than you have. They’ve lived with others, been taught by their own parents, developed their own habits. I have a very strong personality so i came in and had a hard time adjusting to things that weren’t done my way. I STILL battle with the fact that he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way i would like, but its a battle i choose not to fight except to comment or joke once in awhile. You definitelly cannot move in together and have everything just run smoothly, when you are this connected with someone it makes it that much more serious, its not the same as living with a roommate/friend.
You have to talk through each of your expectations, the things that do and do not bother you, you have to recognize YOURSELF what you can and can’t let go of etc… I feel like this is kind of how it is in marriage overall, and living together is no exception. As long as you guys communicate about your relatinoship and annoyances and needs, it will get better!