Post # 1
Hi waiting bee gals. I’m just trying to figure out how many of you girls have tried to play hard to get or be more unavailable to your SO while you are waiting for them to take that next step of commitment. Do you think it works or can it backfire and make him more distant? I believe a lot of people think that this would work to get the ball rolling but I have mixed feelings about it. I believe it can be a game and can end up back firing. I was told by a relationship coach to shut it up about the marriage thing (which I absolutely agree with) and to be scarce which is harder for me to agree with. I know it is good for your self esteem to go out and do things for you which I already do but to not return his phone calls for hours or go out on a wild night with the girls I don’t agree with so much. This can backfire. What do you waiting bees think? Have you tried the playing hard to get thing or have you thought about doing it and what were the results?
Post # 3
@biochic75: Playing games in order to trick someone into proposing sounds like an awful idea….if you want to be with someone, be with them. Being Marriage Focused leads to frustration, feelings of anger and resentment and can make you look like a psychopath…it’s perfectly fine to make your goals and needs known to your SO, but don’t jerk him around or obsess over it…just enjoy each other and life!
Post # 5
Playing games does not a great engagement period – marriage make.
Post # 6
Don’t play games but focus on things that are important to you in your life. Hobbies, more education, friendships, fitness, etc… are all great things in life!
Post # 7
I think doing your own things to make you happy is a GREAT idea. But playing hard to get when you’ve been dating for so long – not so good. After a certain point in a relationship, you get to the point of not playing games. It’s one thing when you live together to go out without your SO more and join some hobbies – but it’s another to completly dismiss your SO at times to play “hard to get”.
Post # 8
Playing games with someone you love is a great way to be alone. Leave the emotional games for immature middle school girls and have a real conversation about your feelings, then yes, sometimes just have to wait if you decide this is a person worth waiting on. But any manipulation to get them to propose would always make me wonder if they meant it or I’d they did it because I was playing with their emotions. So I sort of and sort of don’t agree, it is so important to not allow your SO to totally be the only thing important to you in the world, go out with friends, have a hobby all your own, but at the same time if this is a person you want to spend your life with, don’t push them away because they might just stay away if you do.
Post # 9
I don’t think it is a good idea to turn your relationship into a game. I thought about doing that “playing hard to get” for a long time, but it feels like to me if I have to shut up about what I want to talk about and actively change my life to convince the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally to “want to” marry me, I am doing myself a disservice. I felt that by lowering myself to that, I would not be giving myself the respect I deserve. Just do exactly what makes you happy right now and make sure you have communicated to your SO what you want and need. If you play hard to get and do mission scarcity, you probably won’t be happy with yourself later on if you realize a proposal came because you played hard to get. Or at the very least, you won’t be able to know for certain if the proposal was because he loved you and wanted to marry you or if it was because he got manipulated or pressured into it. Anyways, good luck 🙂
Post # 10
TO – biochic75: I see you are fairly NEW here, so first off, let me say “Welcome to the Hive”
Game Playing and “BEING BUSY WITH YOUR OWN LIFE” are two very different things.
It is a game for example to wait hours to return a phone call… it isn’t a game to call back and say “Sorry I was out with my GFs at a movie when you called, and had my cell phone off” (if it is infact true)
Being married, ultimately means you still will have your own life… so WHY give it up now while you are WAITING… I think that too many women (young women in particular) do this… put everything ON HOLD but their BF and his needs… so that they lose track of their own lives and are living in a world that is focussed on his.
That isn’t healthy… and in the long run, won’t bode well for a future if and when the two people end up married to one another.
As you are fairly NEW to WBee, if you haven’t already you should check out Mr Bee’s Plan… a great post that was written about Waiting from a Guy’s (Married Guy’s) perspective.
Mr Bee’s Three Step Plan (and Back-Up Plan) for Getting Engaged = http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged
And another great resource on a similar vein is Dr Phil’s Book *Love Smart ~ Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got* it a book chocked full of valuable info for someone looking for Mr Right and eventually getting married & being happy with a successful relationship / marriage. It includes a good section on transitioning from Dating to Engagement thru the Waiting Stage.
Hope this helps,
Post # 11
I think that you might be referring to Mr Bee’s Plan. Basicly, it’s reinvesting in youself. Waiting can take a lot out of a woman, make her feel she’s not worth enough or that someting is wrong with her.
There is nothing wrong with you!
Taking time for you helps you rememebr that! Start a new hobby that you’ve always wanted, save up and go on a trip of a lifetime with your mom/sister/girlfriends, get healthy and have a spa/shoping day to celebrate.
Does it help the waiting? Yes, becasue it helps your piece of mind. Some girls have said that it helps thier guys remember how much you mean to them.
Post # 12
Everyone has it right! Don’t play games. If you have to play games with a man to get him to propose he is not the right man for you.
If a man wants to marry you, he will. It’s that simple.
There are so many factors men consider prior to marriage – the most important one to them is TIMING, even more than love. It has to be the right time for them, regardless of who they happen to be in a relationship with.
If the right time and the right person happen at the same time – bingo! If not, move along and find a man who is ready for the same things at the same time you’re ready. And make sure he really loves you – so the thought of playing games won’t even enter your mind.
Post # 13
Do: Focus on your own needs, hobbies, and dreams
Don’t: Ignore and avoid your SO.
Do: Stop obsessing with marriage
Don’t: Just stop talking about marriage while it occupies your every waking thought.
Post # 14
This is what I have been thinking too. I just need to put the focus on me more now and what I would like to do to make myself happy but not play games. I’m definately way too old for that! I do like the mr bee advice. This is my plan in fact. I already do things on my own and we don’t live together so I was thinking maybe I need to spend even more time doing things that make me happy? He’s 46 so he should know by now but 14 months into it he still hasn’t asked even though he does want marriage and kids and he says sooner than later too. But at a certain point I will need to walk away. I do believe I need to truly be ok and happy with where I’m at as a single woman with freedom and stop mentioning or asking where he is at with the marriage thing. I can’t seem to go more than a week without asking. This is one of the main reasons why he hasn’t asked I believe.
Post # 15
My boyfriend notices when I’m out multiple nights a week after work with friends, and mainly is like ‘I’m so glad you have friends and make time for them, it’s great you aren’t super dependent on me’ and then sometimes though, he gets all mushy and complains that I’m never home for him. I just tell him he has to make a date with me if he wants to hang out more, and besides, I live with him so we see each other every day no matter what. I think it shows him that I’m independent to have my own plans, and also makes him miss me, but I agree that if pushed too far, it can backfire. He needs to have a life with me to know that he enjoys it and wants to make me his wife. If he is alone too much, it’s like I don’t exist anyways! It’s a hard balance, but mainly I do it for my OWN mental health, to stay busy and not go crazy moping around the house wishing he’d propose.
Post # 16
Age doesn’t mean maturity. I should remember this for myself. Sometimes even the 40-somethings aren’t quite mature when it comes to relationships, so you shouldn’t think that just because someone is xyz years old they should know what they want. At the same time, they should be able to recognize a good thing when they see it. I don’t think playing games is a good idea at all, but it might be good to focus on yourself more since you can control that and it might make you stress less about him taking that next step. We should make a pact of some sort, since our situations seem to be quite similar, though I’ve been dating mine for longer.