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Well, I think it's more about not wanting to seem greedy than anything! But, THEY are throwing you the shower--you aren't throwing it yourself. Just let them throw it and what happens, happens. They know "their" group of people and if this is the norm at their church and whatnot, just go with the flow.
I think this is very logical for you to think about all this! I'm sure many other girls just think about more people = more gifts. I agree that if you have an "open house" type of shower, then gifts should not be expected. What if you had someone at the church do some type of collection and everyone could pitch in their $5-$20 or whatever for a larger gift for you? That way people don't feel bad if they can only contribute a small amount.
The fact that they are calling it a shower means that they want/expect for you to get gifts at it. Otherwise, they would just call it a tea or a party. The wedding shower got its name because the guests "shower" the bride with gifts of what she will need to set up her new house.
I would not be comfortable with the open invitation to a shower either. Maybe you could suggest to them that they put the announcement in the bulletin if they like, but call it a party instead? It won't stop anyone from bringing a present who wants to, but it might cut down on people thinking they are expected to.
This is tricky since they're hosting it, so while it's rude to invite people to a shower when they're not invited to the wedding, it's also rude to tell someone else how to run their party. Sorry you're stuck in such a difficult position! Since a big part of a shower tends to be opening gifts, it will be awkward for anyone who heard about the "no gifts" instruction and didn't bring one. Is there any way you could convince the inlaws to change it to an engagement party? Then they could invite anyone they wanted, and people who wanted to could bring gifts, but no one else would feel obligated. I've been to some engagement parties that happened months after the engagement, so I wouldn't worry about that angle. Then it they really wanted to have a shower they could do another one for just wedding invitees later on.
I think you should let them do what they want as its their party. Plus...the gifts people bring are not just for you,they're also for your FI. It's great their friends would like to meet you,so I say if they're fine with it,you should be too. Enjoy yourself anf try not to worry!
Wow! First: that is so very very nice of your future in laws to want to host a party for you! My FIL's aren't throwing me a shower (not that I am expecting one); that is so generous that they want to do this for you! That being said...since they are throwing it, I think they get the say on who is invited. Also, its not like you are sending the invites out, which would sound like you are soliciting gifts. I think that all of the ladies invited will be aware that your FIL's are throwing the party, and that if they want to get a gift, they will! Guests at a shower aren't obligated to bring a gift, so maybe the ladies from church wouldn't bring something if they weren't comfortable with it? I know it sounds uncomfortable to have that many people (that you don't know) invited, but I would try to view it as a great blessing to be showered with some wonderful gifts that will help you get started with your married life! That will be awesome!
I have the same situation and I feel bad about it but my mom keeps telling me to relax b/c these people understand that the wedding is small but still want to support me at the Shower. guess I'll just go with the flow.
With all of the other wedding-related details you need to worry about, i would just let the FILs do it their way. I've been in the position of being invited to a shower for a bride I didn't know that well, and rather than viewing it as a greedy grab for gifts (check out that alliteration), I just figured that the bride/host was using the shower as a way for guests to get to know the bride better. And giving/getting presents is fun :)
In my church we always invite all the ladies to attend bridal & baby showers. No one "expects" to be invited to the wedding & no one is expects or demands that you bring a gift (some people just bring maybe a dish), we see the shower as a party and a chance to get together (people understand about the cost of the wedding). Maybe her church is the same way?
Aww, i knew you could help me sort this out!
@klingonbride - great idea! just change the name but keep everything else the same. easy solution :o) i'll see how that flies with them
@greenleafmountain - the funny thing is that we had all talked about doing a shower for the people coming to the wedding and then having an open house type thing after the wedding for everyone that wasn't invited. But then when it came down to coming up with a list of attendees, they flipped it and decided that they wanted to invite all the females to the shower. I don't know why that idea didn't stick....
@msbuttons - His family is definitely pretty great for doing all of this. I focus on that when I think about how weird it's going to be sitting in a room full of his grandma's friends.... :o)
@ducks35 - I didn't know this was so common - your comment makes me feel better. I've always been a part of a big church, so this just seemed crazy to me!
It sounds like because they are the ones throwing the shower, it isn't necessarily a reflection on me (and my percieved greediness). So I'll try to go with it, I guess. Thanks for the prespective ladies!
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So, my future in laws are throwing me in my hometown (where they still live) and I don't really know that many poeple there anymore. They're inviting a lot of family (that are coming to the wedding), but they also want to invite other women that they know so that they can meet me. The problem is that they're not invited to the wedding. I'm not comfortable with this since I know you're only supposed to invite people that you actually invite to the wedding. We talked about it and they told me that they didn't care about this rule and they thought that their people would be fine with it. Ok fine....I compromised on this at first.
THEN, I hear that FI's grandma is going to put the shower announcement in her church bulletin since she didn't know how to decided who to invite! I just started to get really uncomfortable because I think it makes ME seem so greedy to expect gifts from all these people. So I told my FI to tell them that I'm fine with the shower being so open - but they have to tell people not to bring gifts. If people bring gifts, that's fine - I just don't want to solicit them. I thought it would be fine to just do all the shower stuff (games, food, etc) without the gifts. But now his family wants to cancel the whole thing because they said you can't have a shower without gifts.
Is this true?? I don't know. They all seem to think I'm crazy for not wanting gifts and that it means that I really don't want them to throw me a shower. Anyway, just thought I would ask you 'experts' what you thought :o)