Post # 1
So I read someone’s opinion on the boards the other day saying that if you have been dating a guy who is over 30 for more than 3 years, he doesnt intend to marry you.
Well this got me thinking because my guy is 32 in a few weeks, and we are 4 months off our 3 year anniversary and I just don’t feel it is going to happen anytime soon. (And of course, this resulted in a mini freak out of “Ahhh maybe he never intends to marry me – even though he says he does!!”
But rationally, I dont believe age has anything directly to do with readiness. Everyone is different… I am his first serious relationship in a long time, and the first girl he has ever thought abour marrying but just because he is a few years older doesn’t mean he is going to rush into anything. He believes that you should always take your time to know the person and be 100% sure. (And has been critical of people that have gotten engaged too quickly as we have already had divorces in our group of friends)
In our time together we have lived together, travelled together, bought our first home and have gone about setting up a life together. Whenever we talk about marriage, we talk about the financial side of it and the need to actually be able to afford a wedding first. He also believes that us buying a house together was actually a huge commitment and one that has tied us together in the eyes of the law in the same way of marriage, so he doesnt see any need to rush.
So what do you girls think? Does dating an older man generally equal getting engaged sooner?
Post # 3
I don’t think you can make generalizations based on age, since every guy has a different history, different needs, and different baggage. My FI is 35 and we were together 4 years before he proposed. Like you, we lived, traveled, bought a home, and set up a life together–all before the proposal. He was always super committed and couldn’t be more excited about getting married (which is wonderful) but it did take him some time to feel ready for marriage. He needed to sort out some of his own feelings and issues. It sounds like your guy has a good head on his shoulders, so while the waiting is hard, I’d encourage you to just keep communicating openly about your feelings/desires and his. All the best to you!
Post # 4
I don’t think age has anything to do with it… My FI proposed after 2 years, and we’re both young, but I know my mom and step dad dated for a few years before getting married and they were older. Two completely different situations resulted in two different outcomes.
Post # 5
I think it does. Of course guys have a longer period of time they can wait to have children so I think they tend to not really think about it till their late 30s. I met my FI after he had just turned 36 and I had turned 26 so we both were on the same page that we weren’t going to waste our time dating people we didn’t think we could marry.
I think it’s possible your guy could not be ready for a few more years. I know if I’d met my FI at 34 he wouldn’t have been thinking about marriage – so they can change their minds in a relatively short time. I think having a conversation with him is the best thing you could do – not pressuring him to propose but just seeing how he feels about it and when he sees himself married.
Post # 6
I don’t think it does at all. A man will get married when he is ready. Age in my opinion has nothing to do with it.
Post # 7
I agree, I think a man will get married when he is ready and I don’t know if that requires them being “100% sure”
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I think that it’s illogical to think that any outside factors influence the quickness that a guy proposes. Every guy is different and I know men who proposed at 19 years old, and men who proposed at 50. It’s about finding the right partner and being ready to propose. I don’t think that anything else is a factor across the board.
Post # 9
I don’t agree with the rule if he’s over 30 and it’s been over 3 years, it’s not going to happen. In my own case, FI was 33 when he proposed, after 4 years together. (I was 28). 4 years to a proposal is maybe on the longer side, but to me it doesn’t immediately suggest a problem or issue in the relationship. Some guys just really don’t rush into anything, sort of resistant to change, all of that. So I don’t think the simple fact that he’s 32 and it’s been almost 3 years is reason to freak out.
However – if I were you, I wouldn’t drift along endlessly if marriage is something that you do care about. It sounds like he just doesn’t think it’s a priority right now… you may have to push him to comprehend that if it’s important to you, it’s important to him.
There will always be expenses that make it hard to save for a ring or a wedding – you just have to go for it if it’s something you want as a couple. I wouldn’t let him play the finances card for long. It can be a legitimate factor, but if he takes your desire for marriage seriously, he should be able to tell you at what $ amount he’ll have “enough money” and what he’s doing each month to get there. It shouldn’t just be this ambiguous thing. Ask him his rough idea of the timing to engagement. Re emphasize to him that this is important to you and you feel that owning a house together, while a big financial commitment, is not the same thing as marriage and doesn’t meet the same emotional need for you.
Post # 10
I think age has something to do with it for most guys, however there are exceptions. It all depends on the guy, his personality, his maturity, and how he feels about it. I met my FI when he was 25 and I was 24 and he proposed after 14 months. From the beginning we both knew that we were looking to settle down if we found the right person…and we did!
Post # 11
I was the one who wrote that in the other thread. It wasn’t intended to be a hard and fast rule that if he hasn’t actually proposed after 3 years it’s not going to happen. What I actually said was that if he’s over thirty and hasn’t proposed in 3 years based on nothing more than he’s not sure if you’re “the one”, then you’re probably not. I specifically said that if he’s saving for a ring or waiting for a special time, that’s a whole nother thing. I stand by my post which is, of course, only my opinion.
When you know, you know. Generally, if you’re not sure about the person you’re with after 3 years, they’re probably not the right person for you. That’s a rule I apply to women as well.
The whole buying property together and/or purposely having kids together and then claiming you’re not ready for marriage is a whole nother thing I don’t even want to get into.
Post # 12
we had been dating for over 3 years when my 31 year old (now husband) proposed, it’s just something you need to talk about… don’t soak up the stereotypes(they’ll make you go crazy!) i still think that the only reason my husband proposed was because his best friend proposed to my best friend, who had only been dating less than a year.. and he finally realized how broken hearted i was over the whole thing..
Post # 13
I think the biggest factor is when all of your guy friends start to get engaged. When that starts to happen, marriage feels more inevitable. 🙂
Post # 14
Some good advice here girls – I am currently on the 3 step plan by MrBee – we had a talk a few months ago and I am just leaving it there. Every now and then we chat on what we would like at our wedding, what we wouldnt.
@lezlers – your post merely got me thinking – is age a factor? We both knew very early on that we were meant to be together. And we have always talked honestly about marriage and all that. It is not that he isnt ready, he once told me that what he feels a husband should be able to do is provide financially for a wife. That is his opinion and so he feels that having the finances organised is something that he needs.
I personally don’t, but then again, I am the financially irresponsible one of the two of us!
We decided not long after we bought our house that we would take some time to see how we go with the mortgage, then we would evaluate where we were with our fiannces.
We have made some major steps lately… my credit card debt is one paycheck away from being paid off. We have spoken with our bank to set up joint every day accounts and savings accounts and therefore we will have a specific savings fund for future “events” and we are now combining the majority of our paychecks together so that we can save more and also pay off some more of the house while we do not have any children.
But, my guy is an overly cautious kind of guy and therefore the finances are important for him in order to feel comfortable. If I pushed him into it now and we had to take a loan out to get married, well, the idea of spending the money we dont have would make him feel sick.
I know it will happen, I just dont know when because finances are a bit unpredictable.
@MrBee – unfortunately I missed the boat – the majority of his friends are already married. We got together close to 3 years ago, but the majority got married 4 years ago in their late 20s!
Post # 15
I think it influences, but does not dictate it. We are in our early 20’s and if we were 5 years older we would be engaged, if not married by this point in our relationship (3.5 years). But we haven’t been independent for much of our lives and have a lot more to get in order, particularly jobs, school and finances.
Post # 16
Not in my experience. I was 19/20 when a 21/22 year old asked me to marry him WAY too quickly. I bet it just depends.