(Closed) Does this “friend” sound toxic?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I had a “friend” do this to me and it got to the point where she was so jealous that she was bad-mouthing Fiance all the time and trying to break us up! In my case she was incredibly toxic and I am so much happier without her in my life.

Your situation might be a little different, however, because my ex-friend was also suffering from mental illness.

(ETA: Your comment about her feeling like you are dating really hit home with me. That’s EXACTLY how my ex-friend acted and honestly, it’s probably better if you remove her from your life. It is only going to get worse when you get married. These kind of people will always be miserable and will always try to drag you down with them.)

Post # 4
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow. She sounds like quite the handful.

The good thing about all of this is, with the upcoming wedding, you’re going to be more and more busy with other things. I suggest not making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man if you can help it, and try to just enjoy your wedding planning with your true friends. I know… easier said than done.

Post # 5
27 posts
  • Wedding: August 2011

She sounds toxic, to me. I have had a few of these types in my life. Including one “friend” who invented an entire romantic relationship between us in her head. She was really mentally ill.

As for this friend, I would just try to tune out her constant neediness. Just see it for what it is: insecurity, jealously, or commitment problems. You know in your heart you are happy with your fiance, so just really try to block her. When she says that she is worried about you, try to force her to elaborate, chances are she will be thrown off by turning the question around.

Good luck!

Post # 7
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve known people like this and a few years ago I started a habit which has helped me alot. I purge my life of negative people.

Around once a year if it is necessary I look at the people in my life and how I interact with them and if it is negative in the sense that I feel anxiety when I see them, I feel as though I am always in the wrong, that they must be placated at all costs and that they have a way of making me feel guilty for no reason I simply cut them out of my life.

 Ofcourse this has to be done carefully so as to avoid resentment from said master manipulators, but it can be done. As mentioned by Miss Longcoat you have your wedding to plan, I suggest you get busy with that and slowly stop responding to her. 

 My aunt told me once that there are two types of friends, the ones that know you inside out  and accept you and all that you are (there are very few of these friends) these are the friends that stick with you forever, the people you see every blue moon but feel asthough you saw them yesterday. These are life friends. 

 Then there are the other friends,  these people serve a purpose in your journey through life, they hope on board and travel with you for a while, but as you grow and become individuals you drift apart and they eventually go on their way. (Some need a little nudge to get going sometimes) This is ok, these people serve a short purpose in your life as you do in theirs. But once they have served their purpose its alright to move on with your life as you are trying to do. 

Your friend has served her purpose, keep the positive memories that you have of her (of there are any left) and gently ask her to move on with her life. You only live once (as far as we know) a friend should not have the power over you that this woman does. Do not feel bad about wanting to live your life, you have found your man, your happy, so be happy and live. Your friend needs to take control of her own life and face what ever it is that is making her act this way to people she supposedly cares about.

🙂 hope that helps some what.

Post # 8
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just to give you a different POV……I had a friend who got married to a man I did not like….and we are no longer friends.  I really don’t know the “ins and outs” of you and your friend’s relationship (other than what you are writing here), BUT, I used to be very close friends to two different girls (“Jane” and “Barb”).  I moved far away from both, but stayed very close with both friends (While Jane and Barb are friendly on the rare occasion that we would all hang out, they are not friends….i.e. would not know each other except for me).  Both met their FH after I moved away.  When I came home to visit, Jane was really super excited for me to meet her FH….she knew he was “the one,” and I really had a good time meeting her FH.  (Later I found our her FH was really nervous to meet me and make a good impression, because he knew how important our friendship was.)  Flash forward a few years…I was the first person Jane’s Boyfriend or Best Friend (now DH) told when he decided that we wanted to marry Jane.  I was the Maid/Matron of Honor in Jane’s wedding.  I love Jane, her husband, and her kids. She will be my matron of honor.  Our wedding will be 3 days before their anniversary, and we are looking forward to years of shared anniversary trips together…you get the point.

Now Barb.  I did not meet Bard’s FH until after he proposed…because he was an illegal immigrant, got caught, and the next day proposed to Barb.  Whatever…another story for another time.  But the point is they had only been dating a few months before the proposal, and I did not have a chance to visit before he “got caught.”  The first time I was supposed to meet Barb’s Fiance, he bailed because he “did not feel like meeting anyone.”  The second time (a few weeks later), he was hours late to meet us (and I suspect he only came because Barb ended up having to yell at him.)  He acted like I was just wasting his time and could not be bothered with me.  When Barb and I had those “deep conversations” she would ask my why I was not 100% on board with her wedding, and I would tell her that it concerned me that her FH did not seem to be bothered about befriending any of her friends.   (BTW, I was also the Maid/Matron of Honor in Barb’s wedding).  Over several years, Barb has basically given up hanging out with any of “her” friends and now only socializes with “his” friends.  Occasionally, Barb and I will still get together, but never with her husband.  The few times that we do talk, it seems like I am always telling her about the fun things I am accomplishing with Fiance, and she is always wistfully saying how she wished she still did the things we did when we were better friends.

My point (if anyone is still reading this!) is that when your Fiance makes an effort to befriend your friends, you will most likely stay friends with them after the wedding.  If your Fiance has no interest in your friends, you will probably lose them after the wedding.  And maybe that is what you want/what you need.  If that is the case, then sure, just “dump” this potentially toxic friend.  But if you have to ask if the friend is toxic, then maybe you aren’t ready to dump the friend yet.  Think about why you are friends with this person in the first place.  If you have changed so much that you no longer share common interests, then it might be time to cut the strings.  But if not, then maybe you need to nudge Fiance out of his comfort zone (hey – we both make sacrifices for each other) to work on being friends with your friend.

OH – and while Jane is the Maid/Matron of Honor at my wedding, Barb is a “maybe” guest on the “B-list.”  At times I really am bummed that I am no longer close friends with Barb, but it is hard to be close friends with a person who’s life partner has no interest in me whatsoever. 

Post # 9
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Wow, can we say high maintenace indeed! Also may i ask how old this friend is? To me she sounds like she is younger than 20 by her behavior.

I don’t know if she is toxic but her relationship with you and the other girls is definetly not normal. Well IMO anyways.. I know personally when I was a teenager I had one BFF at a time and I did have a hard time dealing with that person having multiple friends, I expected them to hang out with me all the time >.> but this was when I was 15-16… and I wasn’t into “boys” yet hehe

I can understand her side of wanting to be close with your Fiance because she feels so close to you, I think that is fine to a point! When you bring in her “gossipy,boy hating” ways though I can see how being close friends might cause problems with her and her entourage.

I’m very sorry you and your Fiance have to go through this, Its not fair for people to make you feel guilty for wanting to stay home and spend time with the person you love. I know it happens ALOT! I hope she drops the drama queen act but if she has been like this as long as you can remember I don’t think she will change.

Maybe if she comes over and hangs out more with your Fiance it might calm her down some?

Post # 10
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My FH has made an effort to make friends with all of my friends, including inviting them to co-ed events that he hosts for his friends.

That being said, I had a friend do this same thing to me. It is toxic, but short of ignoring it, I do not have a solution for it. It never returned to “normal”, even after over 2 years. She is now playing a role in my wedding, and has wanted me to rearrange aspects of my wedding around her life and thoughts.

If I had it do to over, I’m not sure I would have allowed it to continue on the “ignore only”. Sometimes I wish I would have just leveled with her and said “look…I can’t deal with you when you talk/act like that because I just can’t have that in my life. So if you can’t let go of the past, accept the present, and be enthusiastic about our future…then we just don’t have anything in common anymore.”

It sucks, but god it would have saved me a lot of headaches. Especially because at a certain point, you kind of know you don’t want it in your life anymore.

Post # 11
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Definitely toxic. This happened to me too, and the friendship eventually ended because she could tell I was actually serious about this guy and I wasn’t about to choose her over him. She gave me a bunch of cop-out excuses why she didn’t want to be friends anymore, and when I questioned her further, she actually said the words, “You don’t treat me like you treat your boyfriends.” Yeah, awkward…

Post # 12
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

You’re not going to marry your “best friend” the girl. If the worst offense your Fiance has done is not to hang out with them, then yes. Toxic friend.

Post # 13
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010


Post # 14
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This girl basically describes my EX “best friend” in a nutshell. She’s an EX for a reason..and I’ve been so much happier without her around. That sounds really mean, but when someone demands so much attention and is so jealous of your boyfriend and other friends, it just becomes emotionally exhausting..just couldn’t deal with all the drama anymore.

Post # 15
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I actually just cut out a toxic friend myself so I know one when I see one and the one you are describing is definitely TOXIC!

For some reason, toxic people are capable of making any little thing no matter how insignificant it is or significant it is be about THEM!

My toxic ex-friend, texted my fiance two days after we got engaged and was upset he didn’t let her know ahead of time that he was going to propose and she had to find out on facebook.

So after that I decided to just cut her out and to be honest, it was the best decision I could’ve done for myself and I honestly think it will be the best decision you could do for you.

Post # 16
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@anon42: Holy smokes, are we twins? Are you and I living parallel lives? Lady, I believe you and I are in the same boat, or at the very least, traveling in the same caravan. Here’s my story, or at least the first part of it:

Bridesmaid – complicated drama – vent o’ vents.

To answer your question, yes indeed, your friend does sound mighty toxic. She is exhibiting all the earmarks of the needy, post-graduate-let’s-all-remain-in-Neverland-pack mentality, expectation-laden, manipulative nonsense we all have to deal with sooner or later. You are progressing in your life along a new road, a road different from hers. Somewhere along the line, she realized early on how to control you and is trying to do that again as you grow apart. But now, things are out of her control because you’ve made a life decision that doesn’t include her. Certainly, you are willing to remain friends, but not at the cost of her belittling your decisions or clamping onto you as though you were her life raft (more boat references.)

Free yourself of her. You don’t have to keep her in her place because simply, she has no place in your life if she is going to continue in this manner. She wants to talk about loyalty? Well then, SHE is not being loyal to YOU. She is not supporting you or sharing in your happiness. How ’bout that for loyalty? It seems as though this isn’t about her really being worried about your welfare because every time you reference her worry, there is never anything to truly back it up other than her not spending lots of time with your Fiance and if so…to what end? To spend more time with him so she has more things to judge and belittle you about? Please, she is using the “worry” as a device, a tool to manipulate you because she knows once you hear she is worried you will think you owe her something when in truth, you owe her nothing. Don’t allow her to corner you, to get tipsy, to sit down anywhere just the two of you, to corner you on the phone. Nothing. Always have something else to do, somewhere else to go, somewhere else to be and certainly, something else to say to her. At the very least, until she can come to you and congratulate you on your engagement. Sadly, I wouldn’t hold my breath, but realistically, you will have taken the steps to secure yourself away from such a negative person.

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