Post # 1
Something my mom and I talked about the other day got me thinking. She told me that when she and my dad were first together (the first year or 2 when they were in college together), they would bump into his various exes on campus all the time and he’d say hello and hug them right in front of her. Apparently it didn’t bother her. I told her that if my SO hugged an ex and was super friendly like that with her, in front of me, I would be super pissed off and would not allow it. My mom thinks that this means I’m insecure in my relationship and jealous. I do think of myself as a somewhat jealous person, but I never thought that feeling this way would qualify as being insecure in your relationship. I still don’t really think it is, but I’m a little worried that she’s right.
What do you think? How would you feel?
ETA: Please note that this is entirely hypothetical. My SO does not run into any of his exes; neither do I.
Post # 3
@Creiddylad: Hugs are nice, everyone likes hugs…and a hug is certainly not a threat to your relationship, especially if its an ex…you’d prefer he treat her like dirt? I think it shows he’s a nice guy…Mr. 99 can hug anyone he wants to….
Post # 4
@Creiddylad: It’s an ex so there is physical, emotional, and sexual history. We have a “no ex” policy in our relationship and I don’t think I am jealous or insecure. I think it is disrespectful to carry on with an ex when you’re in a new relationship. Sometimes the past needs to be left in the past. I think your mom might be an exception – I don’t know any girls who would be cool with this. My FI would definitely know better than to do this 😛
Post # 5
I agree with her. If you were secure and weren’t jealous why would it bother you? It’s a good thing for someone to be on good terms with an ex.
Post # 6
I really, really think it depends on the situation. If for some reason DH was still talking to his exes as friends (like they had mutual feelings about the breakups) I think I would be fine with it. We’re huggers. I think I’d feel somewhat uncomfortable, but not jealous or angry or anything.
Post # 7
I would not have an issue with it. H’s ex’s are from like 2004 and ealrier, so I would not have any qualms about him giving a hug to someone he dated. We’re married and in our 30s.
Does it mean you’re jealous? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re still in the dating stage? If you were married would you feel the same or would it be no threat at all?
Post # 8
@Creiddylad: Hm. Maybe we are in the minority after all, lol. I’m not a fan, and our arrangement works for us. I think as long as the two of you are in agreement about how you handle these situations, you’re golden.
Post # 9
@Creiddylad: Personally, it wouldn’t bother me at all, but I don’t think the fact you wouldn’t like it makes you insecure necessarily.
Post # 10
@Creiddylad: I know I’m an insecure, jealous person — which is my cross to bear, but I’m working on it — so it would bother me if my FH did that with any of his exes. For instance there’s a woman he works with for whom he once had feelings, and it was right before he and I started dating. It bothers me from time to time that they’re still friends, but I have to tell myself that it’s nothing.
Post # 11
@Creiddylad: I’d feel the same as you. And if it makes me insecure/jealous then so be it. As long as I don’t do anything extreme, like stalk all his female co-workers for no good reason or whatever, I think I’m ok with being insecure/jealous.
And I pretty much consult the Bee before I do something stupid anyway, so that should help.
Post # 13
@Creiddylad: sounds insecure to me. I’m still friends with several of my exes and I’d be pissed if my husband were to ever say something along the lines of “I won’t allow it”.
Post # 14
@MrsPanda99: agree on the “no exes” policy. Of course that is a question that always blows up on the Bee, but the way I see it, are they really so important that they’re worth making your partner uncomfortable just to maintain a friendship with? Almost always a big fat NOPE to that one. So I would be really weirded out and uncomfortable if DH decided to hug some chick he used to put his penis into. Nope. Not cool. He can say hi if we ran into her somewhere, but he better act awkward and uncomfortable and then end the interaction as quickly as possible, haha.
Post # 15
I agree with her and was always crazy jealous over nothing when in relationships I didn’t feel secure in. My DH always has made me feel secure so I’ve never had any issues with jealousy.
Post # 16
Exes are not a threat to your relationship, so why the jealousy or insecurity?
Hugs are nice. The world would be a better place if we all hugged each other more.
Yes, you sound insecure to me. If my husband’s ex hugged him, I’d probably ask for a hug too.