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I didn't vote because I think it depends. You could tell your BMs to wear any shoe in black/silver/gold or whatever, and that way they can choose to wear something they already own, or buy new. So you are saving them an expense anyway. Or you could send them all $50 and tell them it's for their shoes. Actually choosing their shoes for them *could* come across as controlling especially if they didn't get a say. Earrings would make nice gifts and I wouldn't see that as controlling as the shoes, since they can usually be worn again unlike shoes which might be more specific to the dress/occasion.
Maybe you could just give them the earrings as a part of their bridesmaids gifts. That way, it doesn't look as controlling and chances are, they'll still wear them. It's pretty standard for the bride to choose shoes for their maids, so I don't think that's over the top.You could go shoe shopping with them and then offer to pay for whichever ones they like.
And you could be alot worse, like on Bridezillas when the bride demands her maids go on diets and lose 10 pounds before the wedding.
I don't think it will come off as controlling, however- as in my experience, some of the ladies may not agree on a shoe. I have a BM with an injured ankle, another one who is pregnant, one is plus-size, the other a size too, etc. They won't all agree on a heel height or straps v. no straps. That may back fire on ya. So maybe if your girls all agree on a shoe, you could do that. If not, maybe offer to pay for the shoe they've decided they'd like to wear? And the earrings is fine, in my opinion, to give them. I wouldn't be put off by it.
you could just give them the $ to use towards shoes in a certain color? i know that if someone bought me shoes i would be kinda pissed only because certain shoes i simply cannot walk in since i have falling arches and narrow feet and literally walk two steps and my feet go numb.....
I don't think it's controlling. I think it might make things smoother by getting their opinions and feedback first, but all in all it seems like a nice gesture.
It's pretty standard for a bride to specify a shoe and jewelry for her bridesmaids to wear, and you're very nice to be paying for both. (My impression is that a bridesmaid usually expects to pay for her own shoes, but the jewelry would be a gift from the bride). You'll of course want to work with them in the shoe selection process to make sure they will be comfortable in the shoes you select. I think your FI is being unnecessarily hard on you. Unless your bridesmaids have some issue with the shoes and jewelry you pick for them, you're fine.
I don't think this is out of line.
However...
If you genuinely are concerned about relieving them of the cost (not with dictating how they look) why not just write a cheque like Mrs. Avocado did for her ladies (she gave them each $100 and told them to wear a black dress and gold accents). That way they can choose whatever shoes work for them. And better yet, if they already own appropriate shoes the money now goes to offsetting the cost of the dress!
As a bridesmaid I wouldn't be offended by a bride buying me earings or shoes, it's very generous. But in reality all of our feet are different and not everyone will like/feel comfortable in the same shoes. Similar with earings. I happen to be allergic to inexpensive earings. Would I wear them for a friend? Of course! Would I rather wear my own earings that don't give me crusty ear holes? Yes.
It certainly sounds like you're not intending to be controlling. I like some of the previous suggestions to you. I would shy away from choosing their shoes. I like when brides give parameters, like color but don't require a specific shoe. You might have a hard timegetting everyone to feel comfortable in the same shoe. Also, shoe purchases don't have to be expensive. Maybe they already have something to wear from the last wedding they were in. Maybe they can find something from payless for dirt cheap.
So if you can give them some money toward shoes, or a gift certificate to like DSW or something, that might help. I like giving the jewelry for a BM gift. Also, you could offer to pay for their hair/mu.
I don't think it's controlling I think it's a nice gift! Just give it to them as a gift to wear for the wedding! :o)
I understand that you are looking to help your BMs with the cost, and as a prior BM I think that is AWESOME. However, I think you may want to consider the shoe purchase. If you want to purchase the shoes, that's fine, but you should let your BMs pick out ones they are comfortable in. Assign a specific color and let them choose from there. I say this because shoes are pretty "intimate" and they can make or break an entire night -- if you are stuck in uncomfortable or painful shoes (especially ones you didn't pick yourself), the whole occasion can be miserable. Just a thought.
I don't think it's controlling, but i'd talk to them first. If they have shoes they want to wear already, you could just give money, or make it a fun shopping outing with the girls to find new shoes?
If I were a bridesmaid and the bride offers to buy earrings and shoes for me, I wouldn't think it's controlling. I'd be a little concerned with the shoes chosen, though, as I am particular with shoes (comfort issues). So perhaps let them pick their shoes somehow?
I just said to my girls.. they needed to be black open toe... and my MOH of was with me and I actually paid for her shoes (they were $50 AUD dollars) which were cheap! and the other two said they already had a pair :)
As for earings... I havent thought about it yet, but buying them as part of their gift is really nice :) I wouldnt see that as controlling!
I don't think you are being controlling - I'm planning to buy my maids their wedding jewelry as a thank you (not as their gifts) and if I could afford it, I would buy their shoes too.
The only thing I would say is not to require them all to wear a specific shoe - I agree with the above poster, I cannot wear heels due to foot problems and if someone insisted, then I would be screwed.
It's not controlling, you're gifting it. It would be a different story if you required them to buy the same thing, so you're good.
No not at all! It's a gift. You're not FORCING them into wearing them! If you don't care about matching shoes, just tell them to all get a pair in a certain color. I did that with my girls and it worked out for the best--6 girls are unlikely to all be able to wear the SAME exact kind of shoe comfortably without mishaps. I know I can't wear d'orsays, pumps, or anything without an ankle strap or a maryjane strap b/c they fall off my ankles. Or anything like 4" tall cuz i'm already just shy of 6 feet, so i look silly.
No, my sister in law gave us earings and a necklace as wedding party gifts and I didn't see it as her being controling at all. I plan to do the same thing for my girls. Go for it.
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For the record, all of my 'maids are beautiful and have good taste - which would give me no reason to be a control freak about the details beyond their dresses.
I was telling FI today about how I'm buying their shoes and earrings and he thinks they'll think that I'm trying to take control of what they look like. I could really care less what shoes or earrings they wear, honestly. I'm just offering to get their shoes so it will take the second biggest expense off of them (I really wish I could have bought their dresses for them) and I found an earring that will look super cute at Forever 21 and was just going to give them those too. Will it come across as controlling? Because I don't want to come off that way. I already told them about the shoes but could just forget about the earrings I guess. Thoughts?