Post # 1
For some background info, I was never one big into hanging out with friends. Growing up, I was always a bit of an introvert. I would have friends, but I would never do much with them outside of school or whatever activity we would share. As a person, it is also hard for me to “read between the lines” and initiate activities with people. I’m afraid that they won’t want to do things with me, and that I’ll look stupid for trying too long. I’m also afraid that they’re only doing things with me for the wrong reason (because they want something, not because they want to be my friend).
Anyways. I have a friend who, up until last year, worked in the same department as me. We would hang out in the morning, collaborate on work projects…got to be really good friends! We wouldn’t hang out outside of work because neither one of us would set up anything. We’d talk about how it was a good idea, but then never take the next step. I didn’t think she really hung out with anyone from work until she started hanging out with another coworker (who does live close by to her).
They were talking about doing something in front of me today, so I decided to take the bull by the horns. I sent my friend a text, saying that my husband has been working late a few nights a week, and would she like to get together to do something for a little while? It didn’t have to be a major all night thing. I mentioned that I was starting to exercise more and try to eat better (things she does well), and maybe we could do some of those things or she could give me some tips. I suggested that we plan something to happen in the next week or two (didn’t want her thinking that I meant tonight, since she mentioned earlier that her husband had plans…I didn’t want to come off as stalker!).
I still feel awkward for sending it. I don’t want to come off as a stage 5 clinger, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose someone that I thought was a friend just because neither one took the first step. We’ve mentioned things casually, that we would get together, but neither one of us stepped up to the plate, so to speak.
I feel like a big loser even posting this, but I do struggle with these things. I feel like a little kid who needs help making friends, LOL. I don’t want to be annoying, but I’m not sending a text every five minutes. I’m just trying to figure out how this works. Any help would be appreciated. I feel bad for even whining about this as it is…there are so many bigger problems out there!
Post # 3
Alright, who are you and how did you steal my personality? I’m exactly the same – I hate initiating social events, because I feel like I’ll either come across as clingy, I’ll inconvenience people, or they’ll just be bored (and here I am planning a wedding!).
I think what you sent her is perfectly fine. A single text asking to catch up isn’t clingy – ten texts might be considered clingy, but one should be fine 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t think you sound desperate at all. <3
I used to feel really awkward when I was younger asking people if they wanted to go do stuff. (What if they said no?!) So I always really appreciated the kind of people who took the first step and invited *me* to go somewhere.
I’m much more relaxed about extending social invitations now, but I find that it’s so much easier for me to befriend someone who likes to organize social events/gatherings because it’s just so much less pressure on me to try to work so hard on maintaining the relationship.
Post # 5
@keepsmiling19: don’t feel like a loser! some of us just have trouble talking to others. I have experienced second guessing myself too, or trying to hard to read what the other person is thinking but when I think back, all that nervous energy really didn’t serve me well at all!
You should be proud of yourself for reaching out to her. Did she respond?
Post # 6
@LadyElva: Sorry for stealing your personality. You can totally have this part back if you’d like! 🙂 It is tough for me to initiate these things. I feel so incredibly awkward when I try! I think that’s why I chickened out and sent one via text.
@rachelmichelle: Thank you for the reassurance! I love it when others set up the events. It’s so hard to set them up…I even feel anxious when I go, but then when I get there, it is all fine. It’s just a mental roadblock I need to get over. Thank you for your kind words!
@maplemag: I’m glad I’m not the only one who reads in to things too much :-). I definitely over analyze things. I’m definitely a worrier by trade, so that doesn’t help this much at all! My friend did not respond, but this can be somewhat typical. I remember talking with our other co-workers, and they would mention that they sent this girl a text and she didn’t respond back.
I will see my friend at an exercise class tonight. I’ll check in with her then and see how things are going. What I’ve noticed with my friend and the other girl that she does things with is that the other girl was persistent for a long time, trying to get her to hang out. Then, they started doing things often. I think that’s where I just need to speak up a little more. Once I look back at these things, I feel a little bit better. Hopefully this will work out!
Post # 7
As we get older and aren’t in school anymore, it can become very difficult to make new friends! Gone are the days of sitting next to people in class and gradually striking up a very natural friendship or being in the same club together.
I agree with everyone, GOOD FOR YOU for taking the next step to make friends! I think it’s awesome that you both like healthy activities, too. One of my best friends and I absolutely LOVE to go to zumba classes together and then out to eat afterwards. It’s fun to plan girl dates!
I’m pretty outgoing at this point, but it has taken many years to get there. I still appreciate when someone asks me to do something! Just last week an old friend called whom I hadn’t seen in YEARS and asked me to coffee. It was the highlight of my month! I was so happy he thought of me and thought to ask.
Post # 8
@keepsmiling19: Best of luck! And don’t worry, everyone has their socially awkward moments (me x 1000), and I think as long as you’re not annoying, it’s actually pretty endearing. I think a text like that is friendly; but if you start showing up on her doorstep unannounced, that’s being a stalker.
Post # 9
Generally, I am more inclined to say yes to a hangout if there are more specific plans. Like “Hey are you free Saturday? I was thinking of going to a spin class” vs “are you free between January and May?”
You don’t need to tell her how your husband is working late or tell her that you guys have things in common, just ask if she wants to do X on Y date with Z people. If she’s busy you reply “Does another date work better for you?”
I am crazy social and one of 3 main planners in the groups I hang with regularly.
Post # 10
@MrsBroccoli: I second this advice! Pick out a fun thing (spinning class, yoga, trying out a new coffee shop, etc), and send them an invite asking if they would be interested.
It’s also entirely appropriate to ask if you can invite yourself along if two people are talking about plans that sound like fun. You are only considered clingy if you do this often; the occationally tag along is totally fine. But, after you tag along once, you should try to set up the next group activity. Maybe a few days later after joining them for something, send them an email saying, “Hey, there is [something fun] that I wanted to [do, see, etc] this [Friday] after work. Would you guys be interested?”