Does waiting ever work? When is it time to go?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t know sweet heart, I see it this way. If you truly love this man, and are willing to marry him and spend the rest of your life together, why stress about a wedding. A one day event. It is a beautiful day, but in the end it’s just one day. What the rest of your life going to be like. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel being hounded about it. I feel for you I really do, I know what your going through, but in the end the wait will be so worth it. It means so much more.

My DH and I were together for 7yrs before he popped the question. When we talk about it now, he’s more open to explaining about why it didn’t happen sooner. We weren’t ready. He wasn’t mature enough with his life, money, freedom. and I had some things to bang out too. Finish school, find a job, take care of debt. Whatever the reasons when its time it will happen.

Best of luck to you hun.

Post # 4
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

About a year ago, SO and I started really talking about getting engaged. A few months after that, I started to feel resentful (like you) and would bring up getting engaged even though I knew that it made him feel uncomfortable and pressured. It led to a few fights and neither of us were able to enjoy just being together on days when I felt upset or angry.

A couple of months ago, I wrote him a really long email outlining my feelings and how and why I felt the way I did. He wrote back – explaining how HE felt and why he felt that way. It was a turning point for both of us. We both realized we were doing and saying things that hurt the other person unintentionally. We both made a few promises to each other about how we would handle this topic in the future.

For us, it really worked. Since then, he’s been much more open and excited about getting engaged and that has showed me that he really is serious. I don’t feel the need to bring it up anymore. At this point, he either has or has ordered the ring and has told me he’ll be proposing sometime this fall.

If I could go back in time and tell myself to SHUT IT UP, I absolutely would. Harping and talking about it to someone who has made it clear that he wasn’t totally ready or comfortable only negatively impacts your relationship. I am still waiting, but I am much happier and so is he. If I were in your position, I would stop bringing up engagement RIGHT NOW. Broach the subject again in a few months if nothing has changed.

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s said it–he’s not ready. He doesn’t know when he will be ready.

If you see yourself married with kids in the next 5 years, it might be time to move on.

Post # 6
Member
4909 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

He tells you to “just leave”?

Post # 7
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would say it depends on how long you have been together. I think the only time the woman should not bring up the subject is when both parties have already discussed the timeline or issues. Personally, I don’t like vague answer. It is either a yes, or a no. Mixed messages are really confusing and it will drive you nuts. 

If I were you, I would have a calm conversation with him about whether he sees the future together. And if he says “i’m not ready”, then you have the answer. The ball is in your court. Either you love him enough to just stay with him without being married, or you date someone else that is ready. Just relax and open yourself up to other people.

Post # 9
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bluefrog33:  This is really really hard.  First, I think you need to ask yourself the following:  IS THIS MAN worth the wait?!  Can you live without him in your life? 

In establishing those responses, I believe you will learn what is most important to you.  Him or a marriage.  There is no right or wrong answer either.  I believe that if marriage is something people want, then they need to find a partner whom wants it too.  However, sometimes we end up meeting people whom are unsure if marriage is what they want, and thus, have a longer road to travel with that person while they figure it out.  What is realized, though, is that the person you met is worth the hardship of waiting – 100%!

The good news is that his responses are not one of never proposing to you, but rather of needing more time.  His conflicting responses are not fair.  As the other half in this relationship, you have a right to a timeline, if there is one.  But then, from there, accepting that timeline and keeping quiet are important.  Men do NOT do well with pressure, and quite frankly, I would never want a proposal because he was in a pressure cooker.

My SO, now FI, had given me a year-long timeline.  It was a lot longer than I thought it would be, but at that moment, I had decided to STOP waiting.  Because I knew that each holiday that would pass, or romantic dinner would leave me devastated if I was constantly expecting the proposal.  So, I let it all go.  And, as a result, our relationship got 100% better.  NOT that it was bad, but I quickly realized how all of MY talking to him about marriage was making him frustrated, and me sad.  All of a sudden, especially when marriage was pushed out of my mind, I was enjoying ‘us’ all over again.  Dinners out were a lot more relaxed, etc, because HE WAS NEVER GOING TO PROPOSE ANYWAYS (or, so I told myself!). 

At no point did I think of walking away from him.  I loved him far too much for that, but I also knew that marriage was equally important to him too, and that marrying me was part of his plan…when he was ready to take that step! Had marriage been off the table completely, I would have had make some pretty tough decisions, or thought long and hard about this relationship. 

I never reached the end of his timeline.  I am not sure what would have happened had a year passed, and he had not proposed.  I would have definitely re-invited the conversation, but was fortunate to not have had too.  He proposed to me at month 7, and because I had pushed it out of my mind completely, was absolutely surprised when he did get down on one knee.  It was awesome. 

When I asked him ‘why now?’ or ‘what made him finally ready ready…’ he stated that our relationship had gotten so much better over the course of 6 months, which was true.  And he was more in love with me than ever before, which was true.  And, there was absolutely no question of our future, which was true.  AND, better yet, he did it on his own time – even picking the ring on his own, etc.  I could not have been happier with the end result, and sit here beaming today because I know with 100% certainty that it was him, and not due to an ultimatum, or a pre-planned wedding, or because he was pressured.

My story is lengthy, Im sorry, but I wanted to share it with you in case it helps.  Good luck 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@bluefrog33:  As far as the SUIP goes… I’d say make sure you bring it up to him, and have a real discussion, about both of your expectations for this relationship. Once you have an understanding with each other, THEN let it go.

Once he’s told you how he feels and what he wants then you can stop bringing it up because that’s when it starts to feel pushy (I guess?). So have a discussion, come to a mutual understanding, and leave it at that.

It’s difficult to find that fine line between simply having good communication about the subject and “pressuring” the subject.

Honestly I avoided bringing it up for so long that when I finally did I was very emotionally and SO was very taken aback. He said he had no idea I felt that way or was thinking about an engagement that much. But he was so glad I talked to him about it.

I’m still “in waiting” so I don’t have any advice for the walking or “if it ever worked” part lol.

Post # 12
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve been where you are and I eventually left.  My ex was quite a bit older than me (15 years) and I was of an appropriate age to marry and he really was too and we never could have a nice discussion about the future.  If we were just going day to day it was fine but he got very defensive of any marriage talk even after 3 years of dating and he was well into his forties and never previously married.  I think that he is just the type of person that never wanted to get married but also didn’t want to be alone.  I felt strongly that I wanted to be married and that being someone’s very long term girlfriend was not how I wanted to live my life.  The thing that finally happened that caused me to call it all off was he went house shopping by himself and was all gung ho to buy a house that I could not move into.  The reason is because I have a german shepherd and this house was on a golf course with a wrought iron fence in a very prestigous neighborhood.  There is no way they would want a big dog scaring all the rich guys that are golfing.  It became clear to me that when he thought of his future he did not even consider me.

 

I will say that EX was a good man and ultimately had a good heart but fast forward and I met my current SO and he is honestly everything I was looking for in a partner.  I think I would have been content with EX but I am happy with SO.  Ultimately things definitely happened for a reason. 

 

I’ve had many conversations with my girl friends about how we put up with so much from relationships with men that are going no where because they don’t hit us or they don’t cheat on us.  It is a shame that we don’t expect more for ourselves.  But on the other side of the coin no one is perfect. 

ETA: I also wonder how many of these men that are afraid to talk about engagement actually end up doing it.  I always brought that up to my ex and he claimed that in relationships no one talks about the future and one day the guy just proposes and has  no idea if the woman will say yes or no.  I asked him well what about important marriage topics like kids, finances, expectations or etc. and he was like oh it will all fall into my place… SMH!

 

I will admit I am not formally engaged yet but we have gone ring shopping and I have a suspicion that the ring is ordered.  But we talk about the future on a regular basis.  We had a date night on Friday and we talked about how we could have a wedding that we wanted and still be respectful to our parents, since we will  be financing the whole thing.  We have also talked about how we will handle our money and about the timing of when I will sell my house and all of those logistics all without any strife.

Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@bluefrog33:  The fact that he is apathetic about you leaving and ‘doing what is best for you’ is a problem, in my opinion. I understand that you see it as him telling you to do what makes you happy, but the fact of the matter is that he SHOULD care about whether you leave  or stay. He should care about your happiness so much that he wants to find a way to do what makes you happy–not so much that he tells you to leave if it will make you happy. Honestly, it looks like he’s not ready to make that commitment to you and I think a part of him might even think it would be easier if you were to leave. It sucks but the proof is in the pudding.

Post # 16
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I find it disheartening that he would be willing to tell you to move on and leave him. He is seriously, really telling you he’s not ready. That whole thing about people telling you who they are… I feel like he’s telling you there, he’s not the guy who’s going to step up and marry you right now or maybe ever. I find that whole “I’d already have proposed if you weren’t pressuring me!” thing guys do so… idk, unconvincing, or unimpressive, or something.

But, if you already have a kid with him, and you are happy with him otherwise, is marriage for sure that important to you? Don’t compromise if you will never be happy without tying the knot… definitely do not attempt to compromise on the things you truly need.

Anyway, yes, take an Advil and have an internet hug. *HUGS*

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