Post # 1
Ok long story short I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor in my best friend’s wedding in September, I’m not particularly fond of her fiancé but I’m there to support her. The whole wedding process has been a nightmare with pushy, rude bridesmaids and drama all around. The wedding is cheaply done, there’s going to be a cash bar and I’m not really too excited about how this is gonna turn out.
Anyways, I’ve been in 3 weddings previously and each time the jewelry we wore was given to us as a gift from the bride. Apparently my friend went to the store a couple weeks ago and got some cheap costume jewelry discounted at Macy’s or something, I think the total for earrings and necklace came to $18. I saw her last week and she gave it to me, I wasn’t expecting to get it that day, I had no cash on me and I also wasn’t sure if we were paying for this. Today I was talking to her and she casually said “oh yeah, and you still owe me for the jewelry.”
Is is this tacky or normal? I’m just wondering because I’ve never had to pay for it before. My friend is a little clueless about weddings in general (she had no idea what a shower even was) so I don’t think she knows much of the etiquette that goes along with it. I know it’s cheap jewelry but factoring in that I’ve already had to pay for the normal Maid/Matron of Honor expenses like my dress, shoes, alterations, the shower, a shower gift and still have to pay for hair/makeup and the wedding present I feel like she could at least have thrown this jewelry in for us. I mean it’s $18 for Pete’s sake.
What do you guys think? Also what is a good amount for me to have to give her at the wedding? I feel like since everything is so cheap and it’s cash bar I shouldn’t have to put down as much as I normally would. Thanks guys 🙂
Post # 2
Bb225: No. You shouldn’t be paying for hair and makeup either.
Post # 3
My understanding is that if the bride wants her girls to wear matching jewelry, then she generally buys it for them as a gift. Otherwise it’s more of a “please wear simple studs” or something.
Regarding hair and makeup that PP brought up, some brides pay for it for their girls, others don’t. Personally, I’m not paying for it for my girls, but I’m also not forcing them to get their hair and makeup professionally done. They can do one, both, or neither – as long as they’re comfortable and happy on the day, that’s all I care about. My wedding isn’t for another 7 months and I’ve already given them the pricing for geting their hair/makeup done if they want, so they have plenty of notice.
And finally, as far as how much to give her as a gift – I think it’s just whatever you’re comfortable with. Around here people typically give enough to cover their cost of attendance at the reception (usually $100 per person), but since you’re already dropping so much money on being in the wedding, perhaps a small, personalized trinket, or something that’s still left on her registry, with a handwritten note, would suffice
Post # 4
As far as I know the bride should cover jewelry and makeup if she wants matching or a specific kind. Since your bride is totally rude and klassy you’re gonna have to suck it up and side-eye her. 🙁
Post # 5
Usually the bride pays for the jewelry. I bought all of my bridesmaids matching jewelry and planning on giving it to them at the rehearsal. I’m not paying for hair and makeup only because I am not forcing them to get theirs done.
Post # 6
Bb225: Ick, that would annoy me enough to want to try to get out of paying. I would seriously consider asking her what jewelry she’s referring to, as if you have no idea what the hell she’s talking about. And when she explains that she means the jewelry that she wants you to wear for her wedding you can say to her “oh, no bridesmaids aren’t responsible for paying for jewelry, if the bride wants matching jewelry she has to provide it.” It drives me nuts that people can get away with bad behavior on the basis of ignorance. Seriously, doesn’t the girl have access to google?
Post # 7
At first I thought it was just me overreacting but thanks for confirming that I’m not going nuts! I just think the whole thing is in bad taste. She wants to have a wedding but then is acting extremely cheap about every aspect of it. Not to mention she has basically asked us to help her make every decision about her wedding and feels the need to inform us via a group Facebook message anytime she makes a choice. One weekend she actually said to me “if you have any time this weekend try to come up with a list of some songs I should have the dj play for me”. Am I getting married or is she? Lol
Post # 8
I think each person is different. Some brides want to cover everything for their BM’s, and others won’t spend a dime. I am buying their jewelry, and have debated paying for their hair.
However, I would never ask them for money for something I bought them. It’s a gift, and it’s my gift to them.
Post # 9
You must really like this lady to be in her wedding party.
So give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she’s doing these things because she’s clueless, not because she’s rude. If you feel like you’ve already spent enough, give her a heartful card for her wedding and skip the gift. And if something is out of your budget, gently tell her This needn’t be a situation where you shell out more and more money, and grow more and more resentful and unhappy.
Post # 10
Bb225: In my experience, the bride generally will gift her girls the jewelry that she wants worn on the big day, but even that here on the Bee is frowned upon as it is more a “prop” for her wedding than a gift. I think asking you to pay for the jewelry after she purchased it is a little tactless and I would be embarrassed if I were her. Simply tell her you don’t think it’s in good taste to make her maids pay for the jewelry she has already purchased.
I won’t comment on her other behavior (updating you guys on choices she makes or asking you for advice) because I don’t really see anything wrong with that. Is it probably a little tiring and annoying? Sure, but you don’t have to answer her.
Post # 11
It doesn’t seem like you’re too happy about being the Maid/Matron of Honor. If she wants you to wear something specific besides the dress, she should shell out for it. I think a lot of brides will say, hey do you think you could all wear black shoes or nude heels or silver necklaces.
But like you said, if she doesn’t know much about wedding etiquette and how things are normally done and you have been in 3 weddings, it might be time to sit down with her and chat face to face. Just let her know that you’re willing to cover costs, X, Y and Z but your budget won’t allow you to spend more money on hair and makeup or jewelery or whatever. If you don’t speak up, she won’t have any idea that you are frustrated by these things. $18 isn’t much, but if you have to shell out $75 or more for hair and makeup, that’s asking a lot. Let her know that. A normal person would probably, say “Oh Bb225, I’m so sorry I didn’t even think that this might be asking too much. Please don’t worry about matching jewellery” or “I’ll cover it.”
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
Bb225: No, not normal. I gifted the jewelry to the girls. They bought their own dresses and did their own hair and makeup, but I don’t think you should be responsible for paying for hair and makeup if she wants you to have it professionally done – that’s on her. Dress, shoes and alterations on you is acceptable.
Post # 13
Yup, all of these things are clearly signs of immaturity.
You don’t force something on someone and then insist, after the fact, that they pay for it. And you plan your own wedding, your bridesmaids aren’t your servants or your secretaries.
I don’t mean to speak ill of your friend, but some people just can’t help but be clueless and rude. You can pay the $18 or if you would like to make a point, just say that you’ll include it with your gift, meaning its effectively a deduct against the amount you would otherwise give her.
Post # 14
If the bride wants the maids to have their hair and make up done professionally, wear particular jewelry or wear particular shoes then the bride should pay for it. If the hair and make-up is optional then its on the maids to pay (I gave my girls the option). Lots of people give the jewelry as the gift to their maids but I don’t think something you have to wear at the wedding is really a gift.
Post # 15
jamb: that’s exactly how I feel. It’s one thing to suggest an option or ask what we want but to go and buy something then demand money pisses me off. It’s not like I asked her to buy that for me.
I love her and she’s my best friend but being in this wedding has brought out some aspects about her that have bothered me. I feel like I’ve been going along with things just to avoid more drama and not seem like the difficult Maid/Matron of Honor but when I sit back and look at how things are going it doesn’t seem right. All I see is me shelling out money for a wedding that isn’t even going to be all that fancy. I forgot there’s still the bachelorette too… lol I don’t even want to go anymore Is it bad that I just can’t wait til this is over with?