Post # 1
My DH has just announced to me that he is going to Amsterdam with two of his friends for a boys long weekend in two weeks time.
Previously the only time he has been away with friends has been for bachelor/stag parties, but this is a holiday, ‘just because’.
I’m feeling a bit annoyed and I don’t know if I am being stupid. I feel like he should have given me more notice, as two weeks away doesn’t exactly give me much time…if he had planned it earlier maybe I would have been able to do a girls weekend or something, but no way will my friends be free at such short notice. I also maybe feel like we could have discussed it? Like, would I mind if he goes, rather than just telling me? I know he doesn’t need my permission, but a discussion might have been nice?
Am I being ridiculous? Does your DH go away with friends?
Post # 3
i’d be irritated for the same reason, that i hadnt had time to plan my own activities
my husband occasionally has fishing and hunting weekends but hasn’t gone on holiday ‘just because’. im not saying he wouldnt though, he just hasnt been invited haha
Post # 4
FH goes on a week-long fishing trip every year. I look forward to it!
Post # 5
No but he works weekends. I would be annoyed because I love going away and I’d go away every weekend if I could, so in order for him to go away with friends, he and I would be traveling a lot together first.
Post # 6
After we’d been dating maybe a year, FH and his friends went on a trip to Jamaica. I think he was gone a week or so. I was sad, but it was a great opportunity for him to go somewhere, so I was cool with it. FH also took a two-week trip across the country the same year, to visit some family and deal with his deceased mother’s ashes. Again, I understood, no problem.
What bugs me about OP’s story is the announcement that he is going. It wasn’t “Hey, DW, the boys and I were talking about this trip, what do you think? Would you mind if I went? Can we afford it?” In a marriage, you should be partners. He should value your opinion, and respect the fact that you’re in this together. To me, that’s the biggest red flag.
That said, as I’ve just witnessed with our GM trying to plan FH’s bachelor weekend, guys seem to be just really bad at planning things, and figuring out logistics. I would bet this trip was the last-minute result of a typical guys’ night conversation. Maybe it doesn’t really occur to him to go through all the steps of planning? Not to sound sexist, but some guys are really like that. I’ve known a few in my life, and I always found it annoying.
Post # 7
Not really, his boys weekends usually are him and his brother going up to their parents place and going golfing all weekend. Would love if he took our son along to…
Post # 8
My FI is on a boys holiday now, but he’s been planning it for a couple weeks. They’ve gone out of state, and are seeing his favorite football team play tomorrow. I’m super stoked for him, and think it’s good for him to go places with his friends (especially because lord knows I would have not been a happy camper travelling to see a football game, LOL)
Post # 9
DH has and will likely go on more boys weekends, but he would never just tell me about it.
He would let me know what the plans on and make sure that its OK with me. To make sure I agree we can afford the trip and to make sure there is not something else going on that weekend he cant remember.
He shouldnt have to ask your permission the way a kid asks his mom, but he should be asking if its OK and fits into both your plans. Not asking that is disrespectful.
Post # 10
@Loupyloo: No, you’re not being ridiculous. My first question would be how long has he been planning it? If it was a spontaneous decision then, cool – he let you know as soon as he found out himself. But still, I’d be a little annoyed…like, whoa, whoa, whoa…You’re going where??? And if he’s been planning this for a while and now decided it’s official, it would feel even more wrong. I think he should have at least involved his wife a little bit.
I’ve always wanted to go to Amsterdam so FH is sure as hell not going without me lol.
What did you say?? I would probably say “alright”, after I give him a long awkward “WTF?”.
Post # 11
@chercee: yeah, I think its typical boy planning. I dont see it as a red flag as he earns a lot and very rarely spends money on himself so I dont begrudge him paying out for something he enjoys, it was more the short notice And I think that is a man thing!
@Mimoza: he first mentioned to me that his friend had suggested a boys weekend away about 3 weeks ago I think, but I assumed it wasnt happening, or at least not soon, as it wasnt mentioned again. He never asked me about dates but we have a shared calendar so he doesnt need to really. I said…’Woah, really? In two weeks? Thanks for letting me know!’ (In a sarcastic voice!) He said he did let me know…
Ugh. To be honest girls, I have anxiety and when he is away I worry that something will happen to him, that is probably why Im feeling irritated…I know its going to be difficult for me. I guess if he had given me more notice I could have planned something to keep me busy, but on the other hand I might have worried for longer?! I am having therapy for my worry.
Not sure what to do that weekend now…
Post # 12
I don’t really like the idea of guy weekends, depending on where they go, only bc I want to experience things with my FI and I would hope that he would want to share those special experiences with me. For instance, if he just wants to go fishing at some place for the weekend, then have at it. But, if he wants to go to Europe and sightsee, I would be upset that he doesn’t want to go with me. My ex was like this and it really bothered me, turns out he just would much rather spend his time alone or with his friends than me, and I felt second place so I broke up with him. I don’t think that’s the case with you, since it’s the first time happening. I, too, would be annoyed that I didn’t have enough time to plan things – AND that’s sort of a “big decision” in my book, something that needs to be discussed before it gets planned. I would never just plan a vacation with my friends, book tickets, and THEN tell my FI, so I would expect the same respect in return. I’m sure you can find a friend who is free or maybe has last minute plans cancellations and in the meantime you can take this time for some me time. I would maybe go to the beach and take a book with me and just enjoy my time – mani/pedi/spa day (you should totally tell him that he owes you a spa day!). Make the best out of the time alone and I’m sure he will be fine, so don’t worry about him too much, just enjoy it. But, I can totally relate and see where you’re coming from.
Post # 13
He doesn’t, but it wouldn’t bother me if he did even with short notice. I think having friends and doing things apart is healthy for a relationship.
Post # 14
I don’t mind, because I wouldn’t expect him to get upset regarding a girl’s weekend. We do spa weekends, wine tours and such, so if he wants to have a golfing weekend or go tour some cigar/whiskey plant, so be it…
The only thing I would expect from him is to let me know beforehand and not to spend massive amounts without talking about it. Plus, I keep a calendar of events we have to go to or possibly will attend or family things, so he would have to double check.
Post # 15
DH doesn’t go on boys weekends really, and if he was, he would tell me well in advance. And I’m just going to throw this out there, there is NO WAY DH would be going to Amsterdam of all places on a boys weekend…
Post # 16
@chercee: to be fair, my husband wouldnt go on a trip if i had a real problem with it (and a valid reason) but i doubt he’d have that conversation with me beforehand. he mentioned wanting to go to brazil next year… i said “im not comfortable being left with a new baby alone” and he completely agreed and dropped those plans.
as for me, ive said before ” my sister and i are going to cancun in may” as opposed to “i have the opportunity to go to cancun in may, what do you think?” etc. its just a relationship style, i dont think its a red flag unless someone is saying “i dont care what you think im doing this”