Weddingbee boards

@MrsP-to-be: I have never heard anything like this from my fiance, nor would I be okay with this kind of treatment. It's akin to emotional blackmail. You want him to do something/say something he doesn't like...BOOM he's not going to marry you. That just isn't right.

You said you had a son together? It can't be good for him to see daddy acting like this, and mommy constantly bawling. Children are like sponges so for your son's sake I would say either go to counseling again or walk away.

I agree with everyone else.  This isn't healthy or normal.  My fiance and I fight from time to time, and the one thing we both know is that having a tiff doesn't mean we're calling off our marriage and we never even joke about that because it's hurtful to both our feelings.  To me there is something totally wrong with this, especially if you've told him in the past that it's hurtful.  I would give him back his engagement ring and tell him that when he's ready to grow up a bit and act like an adult, then maybe you'll discuss marriage.  I know that weddings get postponed for a variety of reasons, but when it's done repeatedly with threats of leaving you at the altar, I would take it seriously and not marry him.  I would be so afraid he really WOULD leave me at the altar.  I think you have a lot of thinking to do on this one.

Nope, definitely not normal or healthy to either one of you. Even if it's said as a joke, it shouldn't be taken lightly. My relationship philosophy has always been if you spend more time fighting and screaming, and ultimately being mean to each other, then you should not be with each other. I know it may sound harsh, but in a healthy and happy relationship, you should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.

@Ms Hedgehog:  Bingo. One of my girlfiriends husband used that tactic all the time befrore the wedding, and now a few months later, after the wedding, divorce is being thrown out there every time he's pissed off. Which is kind of a lot, because he's kind of an a-hole.

I have a hot temper and I threatened a break-up once in a fight, as a one-up fighting tactict, before we were even engaged. FI, made it clear that was not cool, and even though he's pissed me off a hundred times since the engagement I would never consider throwing the ring back. I've been tempted, but no matter how mad I am I would not want to hurt him that way.

It sounds like he is too hung up on "winning", so he's going for the jugular to "win" the argument. I recognize this, because I grew up fighting that way with my brothers. I had to retrain myself in my relationships with bf's, and now FI. In the end no one wins if you're both unhappy. You have to learn to fight more productively. Fighting isn't a bad thing if in the end you gain some perspective on your relationship, but there should still be respect there, for your partner and your relationship, even in a fight.

I heard a quote once that really stuck with me on this issue. "You know you're in love when you can argue while still holding hands."

Why would you marry this? And I'm with above posters - threats not to marry are a few steps shy of threats of divorce after the wedding. Why would you put yourself and your child in a situation where someone is doing this to you?

And, the $ side of things (stamps vs. invites and who is paying), this guy, if he wants to marry you, needs to have some skin in the game. A wedding, as we all well k now, takes real $, and he needs to start helping out.

Really, why would you marry someone this cruel?

This is not normal, this is not healthy. You both need to stop immediately, and get professional help, together and independantly. Neither of you are behaving appropriately, and if you're screaming and swearing and this type of thing in the house with your CHILD you should be ashamed of yourself. Even if you're not yelling at your child, he/she WILL suffer long term damage from exposure tot his type of behavior. The fact that you even had to ask us if this was ok means that you know its not. Is this really the type of example you want to set as parents, and the type of relationship your child grows up with.

Honestly, there's a reason why your wedding has been called off multiple times. Neither of you are ready to get married.

I echo what everyone has said, but let me add this:

DO NOT. DO NOT. DO NOT do this to your kid.  My parents are still (albeit grudgingly) still married, and when I was a kid, my dad would always threaten to leave or divorce my mom once or twice a year, or whenever they had a huge argument.  Its TERRIFYING to listen to your parents scream and yell and argue in the middle of the night, but it unhinges your world when your dad basically threatens to give up your family.

On top of that, my dad was never good at providing for his family on a consistent basis and our family was ALWAYS struggling with money.  The combination of financial and emotional instability that was put on my brother and I our whole lives has been the hardest thing to work through in our lives.  It is literally only the grace of God that helped us get through to become healthy adults.

My parents are still together and have reached a point in their relationship where they are committed and have called a truce to the below-the-belt fighting, but that only happened once all the kids were in college and out of the house.  We listened to that crap our whole lives and it has been one hell of a thing to work through on our own as adults.  Depression, anxiety, bad relationships, eating disorders, anger management problems, etc.  I'm 30 now and its only in the last 3-4 years I've felt healthy and secure as an individual, and its only been about 2 years since I felt strong enough to be in a dating relationship.  (DH and I were friends for a long time before we started dating).  And this is after 5-6 years of CONSISTENTLY working through my family issues and being single for a long portion of that time because I was committed to working out my issues before involving another person.  

One of the reasons I love my husband so much is that he always affirms our relationship and reassures me he's never going anywhere, ever, period.  Even when I would get upset about something during our wedding planning and wonder if we could ever work things out, he would stop me and say he's not giving up, he's not going anywhere, our marriage is his first priority, etc.  If I'm not happy, if something is wrong in our relationship, he drops everything to listen, talk, pray, read books or seek help if necessary, and we fix it.  

This not only gives me so much healing from my childhood but it makes me feel so great knowing my children will have a dad that will never give up on them or their mom or our family.  If your fiance keeps trying to chip away at your family's stability even before you are married, you are not just putting yourself in the line of fire, but your child is in for a TON of pain and aggravation.  

Fix it, or get out.