Does your mom/MIL think she's going to be the mother?

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Not pregnant, but I’d shut that shit down now. I’ve read enough horror stories about grandparents who think they’re raising their second set of children and stomp all over the parent’s wishes because they’re faaaaaaaaaamily.

Post # 3
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

AnonymousCupcake:  I wouldn’t find this that weird. Because my son did in fact spend the night at my moms on occasion, but never when he was under a year, and really I don’t think it happened until he was about 2 or 3. My mom had her own diaper bag, bassinet, and set of bottles. It wasn’t just for when she had him. It was also for when we were over visiting and he napped or if I forgot something (which did happen from time to time) there were extra supplies at her house. I don’t think an overnight visit is that weird, but it wouldn’t be happening at such a young age. I did spend the night with my grandparents when I was very little. But I guess this kind of dynamic is not going to be there within every family. If this is the first grandchild, it could just be her being overly excited. I think you are doing the right thing by not saying much at this point. I think in the future when and if she does ask for overnight visits I would just respectfully decline those visits. Once baby is old enough, a night at grandmas for a one night getaway for you and your husband may not be completely unheard of. I do think it was completely uncalled for for her to get gifts at your shower. I would have been annoyed at that. It’s fine if people give her gifts, but I sure wouldn’t have brought it to a shower that was for you. My mom bought her own things just to be prepared for when we were over or when she would watch him. 

Also, I don’t think any of what you described sounds as though she’s trying to be “mom”. Except for the wanting to be called “mommy MIL”. that’s weird. But seeing as how she changed her mind, none of the other stuff strikes me as her trying to take over. It just seems liek maybe she has some unrealistic expectations for how much time she will have with her grandchild.  

Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

AnonymousCupcake:  WWWOOOAAAHHH!!!!!!  Agree with PP, SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN!!  You need your DH to have a serious talk with her now bc it’ll only get worse.  

Post # 6
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

AnonymousCupcake:  You’re winning half the battle already if you and your DH are on the same page. Annoying and frustrating, I know. I tried to have a conversation with my own MIL, and she flipped her lid and kicked me out of the house. She’s lucky I came back because the way she treated me, I didn’t deserve it. She stepped over the line big time for months. Ever since the baby came, all the things she said she was going to do, she hasn’t. I don’t know if it is because DH doesn’t give in and he supports me (probably), or if it is because she is starting to realize that DS isn’t her baby, but either way, as long as you have your husband’s support, this will be easier to handle. That being said boundaries are going to be your BFF. Set them early.

Post # 7
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

AnonymousCupcake:  I would definitely just keep observing. No matter what she thinks or wants, you are the parent’s and she can’t force you guys into anything you aren’t comfortable with. My son is much older now (he’s 9) and he has gone on weekend trips with my mother and step father, he’s their only grandchild so maybe because of my family dynamic, it doesn’t seem all that strange to me to think of a grandparent taking the grandchild on vacation. Granted, these are like 1 night trips where it’s somewhere close, so it’s more of a weekend getway than an actual vacation? but they do it annually during the summer.

Post # 8
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

AnonymousCupcake:  Yeeaaah, that stuff would bother me.  My MIL actually doesn’t know we’re expecting yet (in-laws are coming to visit this weekend and we’re telling them then), but in the past she’s always gone out of her way to talk about how she’ll respect our wishes when we have kids, and that we’re the parents so we make the rules.  I’m sure this is because her own mother was ridiculously overbearing and judgmental with her and her kids, and she wants to totally separate herself from that and be a respectful grandparent.

I don’t think it’s weird expecting her grandkids to stay the night eventually, but as an infant, that just would not be happening (at least for me – different strokes, I guess).  But I think it might be worth sitting down with her and having a conversation about her expectations before the baby comes if she keeps making those comments.  Not that it needs to be a big confrontation, but it seems like you might be walking into some conflict if she still has these expectations once baby comes and you’re shutting her down at that point.

Post # 11
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Your MIL sounds like mine. She got a crib, a car seat, high chair, baby proofing items…all that stuff. It bugged me, but I kept my mouth shut. Now my baby is a year old and she has NEVER used any of that stuff and I don’t anticipate she ever will.  Growing up, her mother used to take DH and his sister on vacations without their parents and keep them overnight or for weekends so I guess she just assumed that she’d be doing the same. Sorry, aint happening. I almost feel bad that she spent all that money for no reason, but that’s her own fault. She shouldn’t have just assumed she’d have parental rights to my kid. Especially since before I got pregnant, I didn’t have a close relationship with her. Actually, we didn’t even have a good relationship at all because she had the whole “you stole my son” attitude from the beginning.  Anytime we need a babysitter overnight which isn’t often, my mom (who I am SUPER close with) has been the one to watch DD. My mom also has a crib and carseat but that’s because I insisted on her getting those things, knowing she’d have more use out of them then MIL. I actually bought her the carseat. To answer your question, she does still overstep her boundries and has the attitude that she’s her mom but we only see her once every few weeks so she can think that all she wants, I know better. She mostly pulls that attitude when we’re around her family (for instance, not giving DD back to me if she’s throwing a fit, or literally yanking her from my arms if I’m holding her).  She also likes to post stuff on facebook like this is her kid and no one loves her like she does (yes, she actually said that).  It can get rough dealing with her sometimes but knowing DH is completely on my side helps me a lot.  We’ve tried talking to her, but she just doesn’t get it and we know she’s just gonna act the way she wants to.  That’s why we only see her every few weeks instead of as often as we see my parent’s though – I just get tired of dealing with it.   I do agree with PP, set boundries now.   

Post # 13
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

AnonymousCupcake:  See, I find this a little odd. Echoing other posters, shut it down. I’m not pregnant, but when we have kids, my mother has already offered to babysit during the day so we don’t have to pay for daycare. FI and I are on the same page that this is okay and honestly ideal, as I did not grow up going to daycare, so I’ve always been set on having my mom being the babysitter. However, I would never expect my mother to take the baby regularly for overnights. Maybe once in a while? OKay… I honestly don’t see her wanting to do that. If she’s going to have the baby while we are at work, I feel like she isn’t going to want the baby at night, too. Growing up, if my parents went on vacation or went out to a concert or play or something, we would stay the night with my grandparents. I don’t remember ever going over there just for the sake of going over there. Once in a while is fine…but when the baby is older. I would never let my baby sleep at someone else’s house if I dind’t have to.

In your case, I think you need to be a little firmer about boundaries. I don’t know why she has gotten it in her head that your child is staying with her overnight on a regular basis, but by not saying anything, you’re condoning this line of thinking. It is like agreeing by ommission. 

Post # 15
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

AnonymousCupcake:  no my mother never stocked up on diapers lol. She would keep an extra pack or something there so that if I ran out or something there was some spare stuff. She would just like buy the cheap diapers as spare ones. She also had a few items of clothing and stuff which did come in handy for when DS would spit up or mess himself or something and I ran out of extra clothes. There’s a difference in just having items to be prepared for visits and stocking up as if you will be having baby over all the time. I guarantee you that she will get a nice dose of reality when the baby arrives.  

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