Post # 1
I’m at the beginning of my wedding planning and am spending more time than I thought I would updating my mom on new wedding traditions and trends. Am I the only one? From nixing the head table & garter toss, to save the dates, to photo-journalism and short bridesmaid dresses, to a martha-worthy bridal shower I am throwing for a girlfriend, it’s all new (and confusing) to her. I love her to death and she’s extremely supportive, but I think she’s also uncomfortable that there are tons of new-fangled wedding traditions (thanks to weddingbee, the knot and the mags!) that she’s not familiar with.
Anyone else out there feeling this way? I almost feel guilty when I answer her questions now (like the head table question that I fielded today!).
Post # 3
NOt my mom, she’s not the "get your hands dirty planning a wedding" type. But my MIL – the British version of Martha herself….yeah…she about hit the floor when she found out that the limo, after picking us up from the church would stop at a bar for drink before we hit the reception. I think that took her quite sometime to get over.
I had to explain more then once that we would be there before dinner!!
Now she’s better, everything is "It’s your wedding and you should do what YOU want"
I think that things will get eaiser as time goes on for her. When it all comes at one time, it can be a lot to handle.
Post # 4
I understand how you feel. My mom had a very low key wedding – she just wanted to get married. Her mom threw the reception without her input- which was about 30 people at a brunch. She doesn’t quite understand why we are doing this. Luckily my sister got married first so she’s been able to clue her in on a lot. She’ll give advice – but she’s got a very minimalist view.
Post # 5
Yup my mother likes a lot of the old traditions associated with weddings and they meant a lot more to her than I was aware. She had a hard time dealing with the idea that I didn’t want to get married in a church, didn’t want a receiving line, wanted save-the-dates and an engagement photo shoot… it was all new to her. As long as she’s interested, hopefully you can both learn about it together. If she’s into wedding planning with you, maybe you could show her Weddingbee or buy her a Martha Stewart Weddings mag so she can learn about new stuff herself?
Post # 6
I’m with you. My mother was married in 1963. There were no such things as STD’s and walking down the isle to something other than organ music was unheard of.
I’ve been taking baby steps with her. For our music I put together a CD of the music we’re planning on using for the wedding. It goes from using Nick Lachey during our actual ceremony to being introduced for the first time using the theme music from Kill Bill Vol. 1. Our first dance will be a Michael Buble song, but we’re cutting the cake to a song by the Muppets.
My problem is my father can’t walk me down the isle. He broke his back years ago and as much as he wants to he just can’t. Everyone feels the responsibility should then go toward my brother, however, my brother and I aren’t and haven’t been close much at all and I would prefer my best male friend to do it instead. Now it was hard telling my mom THAT!!
My suggestion is to include her in everything, and if at all possible, try to incorporate some of the old tradititions in your wedding also. We pulled out her wedding dress and veil so I could use the austrian crystal crown she wore for her wedding on my wedding day. She was very disappointed to find out that after being in a hope chest at my grandparents house all these years, that the crown is missing. So I’m doing my best to remake it from pictures. I’m thinking of working some of the chantilly lace from her dress (a size 2!) into a special handkerchief to use and carry with me that day.
Post # 7
My mom doesn’t think I’m crazy but my FI does. He’s never been involved in any weddings so he has absolutely no clue the amount of work/time involved. For example, we were discussing the reception decorations and he kept saying "we" as if I would be helping on the morning of the wedding. We actually got into an argument about my involvement that day.
What I’ve resorted to doing, that Smartl mentioned too, is just finding articles online that incorporate whatever issue we’re discussing and giving him the overall picture of what I’ll be doing that day (instead of decorating the reception site)!
Post # 8
My mom and dad just celebrated their 50th anniversary and she hasn’t been to a wedding in at least 30 years. She doesn’t have a clue about anything! I have had to explain the bubbles, bachelorette party, save-the-dates, engagement photos, formal reception attire, EVERYTHING! It’s very frustrating to have to explain each thing over and over again (she doesn’t seem to remember this stuff very easily). And she doesn’t understand any of the elaborate wedding projects I’ve undertaken. The other day I asked her to help me buy bubbles and she got completely overwhelmed at the store because they had 5 different kinds. She wants to help but has no idea how, and showing her just gets her flustered!
Post # 9
My mom and the future in laws definately have had some issues with some of the things we want to do. Both FH’s parents and my parents had small weddings, but OMG when I mention that I want to have an open bar, they start getting on my about budget and why do I have to have these extravagant things (I’m like ummm because they flew to Florida from California, Alaska, New York, Maine, etc)… I just tell them that I am paying for these things and they can just get over it. If they want to have input on my decisions, then they can pay for some of the wedding. But I put it a little nicer than that.
I learned to have print outs from the net or a clipping from a mag whenever bringing up any topic with the inlaws. This way I can let them read it, discuss what they read and get their opinions. And then reiterate mine. 🙂
The problem with all these new traditions are the fact that we all want to include as many things as possible to personalize our weddings and wow people and just have a great day. The parents that have issue with this are the parents that grew up with the fact that the two getting married and a minister were all that was needed. And all that wanted to come celebrate bring something for the pot luck reception afterward. So, my advice just explain the things that are important to explain right now, and let them be surprised on the day of, then they have no say in it!
Post # 10
haha, yes, my mom doesn’t exactly get that weddings are more free form nowadays – you can do what you want. her latest astonishment moment was over the lack of a head table – i told her i want to be sitting at one table with my new husband, both sets of parents, and our siblings. that’s it. no head table. and that idea boggled her mind. 🙂 DIY is also a little beyond her, even though she looves to craft… the idea of doing invitations myself is overwhelming, apparently. 🙂
Post # 11
I’m with Sweeny2B. My mom is really hip to the hop when it comes to new wedding traditions and very open to me trying new and different things. (I thought she would freak that i am not wearing white, but she thought it was a great idea since light pink looks better on my skin tone!)
It’s my future MIL that is more the problem. I think she has been to 2 weddings TOTAL in her life and she didn’t really have one of her own. More than anything regarding the details, she doesn’t understand why weddings cost as much as they do. She thinks we can just do a picnic style buffet and be done with it, anything else is extravagent. I am trying to keep my LA wedding under $25,000 and when she heard this figure she nearly fainted! When I told her that average weddings in LA cost over $35,000 (and my sister who was married 6 years ago spent nearly $60,000) she said that is a false figure probably made up by wedding industry people and circulated over the internet to fool foolish brides into thinking they need to spend a lot of money. When I explained that the bulk of the cost is actually the food (which I think we are getting at a VERY reasonable price) she stated that we can then solve the problem by just inviting less people! She suggested we try to cut our list by AT LEAST half and only invite family and maybe some close friends. She insists that she will only be inviting 10-15 people, which makes me sad and a little upset. My fiance is her oldest son and I can’t understand why she wouldn’t want more people to be there to celebrate this day. i also feel like maybe she will think she doesn’t have to pay for as much if we split the bill according to how many people each family invites, but i don’t think she realizes that most of the friends FI and I have are mutual friends, so we really just wanted to split everything 50/50 between us two.
ugh. in short, i feel your pain!
Post # 12
My parents had a very low-key wedding while they were pregnant with me, and FH’s mum’s had two weddings (the second to his father) both very low-key. One was even in their (informal) lounge room!
We’re working with a wedding budget of AUD$10K (= US$7.5K ) for ~70 guests and they all make it seem like every decision we make is incredibly extravagant! My mum would be the first to complain if we didn’t invite all the rellies/have gorgeous flowers etc though.. I don’t think they understand how much of an impact the WIC has had on pricing of all things wedding-related!
Thankfully all of this means they are cool with us skipping some traditions, having a cupcake wedding cake etc.
Post # 13
I hear you! I told my mom and FI that I want to hire a lighting designer to light the reception and they looked at me like I had 3 heads. I tried to explain that I want to scale back on the floral budget and make more of an impact with lighting and they just don’t get it. I also had the whole photo-journalism conversation with my mom (and sent her many picture examples) and she is slowly starting to understand.
Post # 14
my mother starts everything off with "now i dont know about modern wedding ettiquette but traditionally….."
i’m considering making her a t-shirt with this as a gag gift.
the biggest issue is with my FILs and price. they just dont know how much stuff costs nowadays. mix that with the fact that FI parents didnt have an elaborate wedding and the thought that a cake could costs hundreds of dollars (i haven’t bothered to tell them that some spend thousand or more). My FMIL also believes she can get 150 ppl fed off of a few hundred dollars. aside from a bbQ i am not entirely sure how we could swing that without it edging towards tacky. sigh……
Post # 15
My mother is completely nuts. A 3rd generation Californian with her youngest daughter living (by choice) on the east coast, whenever I tell her about something she didn’t incorporate into her 1966 10:30 a.m. church wedding, like, oh, how my FI and I don’t think people have as much fun (as exhibited by the lack of dancing) at morning weddings, she responds "well, that must be an east coast thing." I’ve lived outside of California for 14 years now–it’s not like the east coast is another planet!!