Post # 1
Does your relationship have super happy days, bad days, extra loving days, days where you need space, days where he isn’t as loving etc? Is it normal to have ups and downs or should you have constant bliss?
For me somedays he is super loving and other days he can be sorta stand-offish depending on his day at work etc. He is never mean to me, but I just have days where I feel more loved and days I feel less loved. Does anyone ever experience that?
How do you restore bliss when things are dull?
Post # 3
It’s totally normal to have “up” days and “down” days. Sometimes in my relationship, I’m the one who doesn’t feel like being all lovey-dovey and sometimes that’s because of a bad work day, worries about money, didn’t sleep well, not feeling my best, or solar flares. Same for him. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, and sometimes I need constant touches and small kisses.
I think the concept of constant bliss is great for Hollywood but doesn’t reflect the real world where people get mentally or physically tired, have stress to deal with, have complex and draining emotions, and generally behave like people.
I am fortunate and thankful that we have few if any downright “bad” days; part of that is because we do take time to choose our words and pick our battles when we can sense something is bothering each other, part of that is because we’re generally mellow people, and part of that has got to be that we both telecommute which makes for a much less stressful worklife and an easier tiime balancing work and home.
Post # 4
Of course! People on their own are not static in behavior, so why would you assume a relationship would be? It’s not that he loves you more or less at any time, so put that out of your head, but life intrudes on our thoughts and well being and as flawed, emotional beings, we can’t always handle that perfectly or consider how it affects others. You could talk to him about it, but I would ask him what’s going on in his world, the good, the bad, what would help him feel better? Men aren’t always in touch with the offending feeling or even able to vocalize them, so if it were me and I saw that Mr. 99 was having an off day, I would give him a wide berth, find a cozy corner and a good book, and enjoy myself until he felt like he was ready to be around me….sometimes they just need a minute to decompress….we all have a right to that.
Post # 5
Of course mine does! And I’m sure everyone here has too. You are putting together two people with different personalities, expectations, experiences, etc. And half of them time, you are separated by work, friends, family, etc. The time you spent together is never, ever going to be perfect. There are days that I would rather spend my time in a ditch than spend another moment with the my FI and his quirky traits.
But what makes us survive these rare days it that I always know that I love him. I always know that he loves me. And eventually, we will come down from our bad moods and be back to normal.
Now, if this is constant or his mood goes from bad to worse without any warning, I would look in to therapy.
Post # 6
All the time! We went through a rough YEAR when we worked together. We woke up together, walked to work together, saw each other the whole working day, walked home together, socialised together… that was tough.
There were times when we’d spend the evening relaxing in two different rooms because we just wanted ‘alone time’.
But now we’re in each others faces all the time, things are much better. That said, we still get in bad moods – especially when work is involved.
I’m probably the same as your guy – a bad day at work really affects my time at home. I can get irritated quite easily but instead of getting upset that I’m annoyed about every little thing, he does things to chill me out instead. He goes and gets me a glass of wine without me asking, he hands me the remote control, yesterday he even bought me flowers! but all these little things help lift that bad cloud.
It’s hard to not take things personally, but if he’s feeling low, try helping him feel a little better and hopefully, in turn, he’ll start to feel happier and be happier with you, too 🙂
Post # 7
I think this is a really good poll question. I voted yes–all the time. The advice given here is very good. I am glad to see that other people wrestle with this.
I love my FI but I am quite nervous about getting married. We are older and neither of us has been married before. We haven’t even lived together with anyone before. I feel like it’s going to be a big challenge!
Post # 8
Not really, our relationship is pretty even keeled. We get in 1 or 2 arguments a year over something stupid that blows up but we get over within a few hours and are back to our normal selves. Neither of us see the point in a relationship that has lots of arguing – it’s not fun for anyone involved.
Post # 9
Yes! We have full lives that don’t just revolve around our relationships. Some days I want lots of attention, some days I want to be left to myself. He’s the same way. That’s normal.
Sometimes there are even rough patches. I was kind of a bitch for nearly a year when my dad died, and that was tough for us. He had some chronic pain issues for about a year, and that was tough. That’s the way it works.
Just as long as there is much more good than bad in the end — and it is important that it be MUCH more good.
Post # 10
Ooh I remember my parents have been through 2 rough patches that I know about. My mum was a crazy bitch for about 6 months (I think the last one was the menopause) but they’ve been together 28 years now and are very happy.
Sometimes, you’ve just got to push through it! I think it says a lot about a relationship when you’re able to get through the hard times.
Post # 11
Not really. I mean yes we have squabbles sometimes but we treat each other pretty consistently the rest of the time.
Post # 12
Other than normal every day life, no we do not have these ups and downs like you describe, where I feel less loved one day and more loved another day.
I’m not saying it’s constant love all the time, but I would not call it ups and downs t all.
He is never standoffish. We quickly resolve things in an adult like manner once they arrise and the norm is quickly restored. Being standoffish is counter productive.
To me “hard times” don’t mean putting up with tantrums and stonewalling periods. To me it means job losses, sick children, losing parents – those are hard times, but the actual couple unit remains strong and supportive. Hard times within the relationship, are in a different category to me.
ETA: However if you find it to be effecting the core of your relationship and your connection, it is not shameful to get help.
If this is the case then there is something wrong and I agree assess the relationship.
Post # 13
@lookingglass: We’re the opposite, really. The more time we spend apart the weirder we are with each other. But it’s not crazy up and downs like the OP describes. We definitely have off-days, but it’s usually because something is bothering us, to be honest.
Post # 14
of course. Everyone goes in and out of moods etc.
However if you find it to be effecting the core of your relationship and your connection, it is not shameful to get help.
Before and after our engagement my FI and i began fighting. Fighting far more than we ever had. Our communication went down the tubes and we fully acknowledged we were starting to make each other miserable and feel unloved. We are going to counselling now and its slowly bringing us back together and helping us build a much stronger foundation for our marriage. There is nothing wrong with that. We love each other very much but weren’t able to communicate properly. We still have lots to learn but it will only make us stronger.
Post # 15
Of course relationships have their ups and downs, it’s not a static thing. I sometimes want space for myself, he too. Sometimes I want to shower him with alot of extra affection, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel like keeping to myself, and sometimes the other way around. Some periods we can speak about everything and talk for hours, and some othe periods we keep it simple. It all depends on the situation, but we never relaize we are in bliss until we are actually getting there and looking back on the past months. But I am so happy for all the different up’s and down’s because then I really appreciate the extra good days. 😀
Post # 16
Ours is pretty even. Sometimes I’ll get grumpy or irritated about things like picking up after him. Or he’ll get grumpy about me nagging him (um hello, I wouldn’t have to repeatedly ask you if you would do it in the first place!) when he says he will do something. These things don’t last long though (10 or 15 min?) We’re pretty laid back, so I rarely stay upset about little things for very long.
Some days we might spend more time loving on each other and other days I want to watch TV or go shopping and he wants to play a game. We’re both happy doing these things. But I don’t have days where I feel less loved though.