Does your relationship with your parents DEFINE your relationship with your SO?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you and your SO treat each other the same way you treat your respective parents?
    Yes, absolutely! Both ways. : (5 votes)
    8 %
    No, with him/ me things are completely different. : (38 votes)
    59 %
    Yes, that happens often. : (7 votes)
    11 %
    Yes, but only from time to time. : (12 votes)
    19 %
    Other: I'll explain : (2 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3718 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Not true in mine. I have no relationship with my dad – haven’t since I was 3 and my mom never remarried. FI has an ok relationship with his parents but they are on another continent. So they are close but it’s not like they talk daily and know all details of life.

    I think you’re relationship with your SO is waht you make it. You can learn as much about yourself and your relationship from watching your parents and learning waht NOT to do. It’s all a conscious decision – you see patterns you like, you repeat them. You recognise things that are unhealthy and you take steps to NOT do that.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1184 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    Not true in mine.  My husband and I have a wonderful relationship.  We hardly ever argue, and when we do, it has never turned into a yelling match.  We enjoy each other’s company and respect each other.  We live a very fun, laid back lifestyle without many stresses and the stresses we do have (like my health and whatnot), we take in stride and support each other.

    I talk to my parents maybe once every few months after they call and harass me about details on my children.  We live a 24 hour drives from them and moved here 2.5 years ago.  My life has dramatically improved since as has my mental well-being (I struggled with mental illness and was in therapy by age 7).  My parents aren’t evil people, they just didn’t want a daughter like me and made that abundantly clear while showing blatant favoritism to my sisters.  They weren’t there for me when I needed them, so I just slowly learned not to rely on them for anything.

    Now that my life is good, they all want to join into it, but it’s too little too late.  I have my husband and my children and that’s all that matters to me.  

    My husband talks to his family occasionally.  He doesn’t hate them, they just aren’t close. In the 2.5 years we’ve lived here, we’ve seen his family twice and mine once (I wanted to see my niece and nephews).  

    Our parental relationships taught us how not to be.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2232 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    Not the same at all. At. All.

    Post # 6
    Member
    6407 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I couldn’t think of relationships that are any less related.

    The only similar relationships I’ve had are with some best friends and exes. And they can’t hold a candle to the one I have with him, he’s literally the best thing to ever walk into my life.

    However, I strongly believe that how a man treats his mother says a lot about him (assuming his mother was not abusive or something extreme like that). FI is not the first “mama’s boy” I’ve dated, and contrary to popular belief, “mama’s boys” are where it’s at, IMO. (Of course, that’s as long as they’re the ones taking care of mama, not the other way around!) To me it shows what an excellent father he will be.

    Post # 7
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

     
    My family isn’t very ‘lovey dovey’. We never really talked about feelings, no one said I love you and hugs were rare. We all look uncomfortable in pictures with each other because we have to get close and it’s almost like ‘who are you people?’  But … if anyone messes with any member of my family all of us go into primal protection mode.
     
    However with my FI it’s all about the hugging, we talk about everything and always say I love you. I think because I didn’t really have that growing up I crave it now.

    Post # 8
    Member
    11300 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Nope. My parents divorced when I was a baby and never really talked after that. My dad passed away a few years ago and I don’t speak to my mother. He loves his parents, but they divorced when he was a kid and, while they never communicate, I think they’re okay with one another (but his mom hates his stepmom for whatever reason). He’s very open with both of his parents. He and I are very open with one another.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2657 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m very open and communicative with my FI, but not so much with my parents.  Since I was a teenager, my parents and I became very emotionally distant.  I won’t go into details,  but they basically were unwilling to support me in treating my issues with depression.  I realized that I could not rely on them for emotional support and turned to my friends and (eventually) my FI.  My FI and I are always there for each other and he’s helped me become a better person.  We still visit our families and catch up, but I’m really not involved with my family’s lives like I used to be.

    Post # 10
    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    FI and my relationship is really good. However with our parents, its complicated.

    For instance, my mom and I are really close but I want nothing to do with my dad (long story) even though they’re still married. They fight ALL the time, literally I told my FI we needed to hurry up and get our house finished so I can get myself out of this hostile environment.

    For FI, his dad and him are somewhat close. I think he feels like his dad judges him on some things.  His mom and him would be SO much closer if she wasn’t such a control freak. He’s 22 and she still treats him like he’s 5 half the time. I’ll admit she’s come a LONG way since we started dating though.

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I think a lot of it has to do with what we’ve learned really strongly affects how we treat the people we love. I voted other I’ll explain because in some ways, yes, we treat each other the way we treat our parents. But I know for us, its the unconditional love and respect for other people that we have learned and carried through. And for different reasons. He grew up in a home with wonderfully happy high school sweethearts for parents and a big sister who loved him and was really very good to him as far as siblings go! He always hd that unconditional supportive enviroment so he has always understood and wanted that. His prents treat him with respect and as a result, he treats them and me with that same respect. He learned from ayoung age that that is what works. 

    I grew up in a crazy house with a sick brother, controlling and distant (not entirely by her choice, she was very busy with the sick brother)mom and a bunch of siblings s far spaced from me (my older brother is six years older than me and my younger brother five years younger than me) We didn’t understand each other, our mother or why we were in this crazy situations. We learned a lot about love and respect in a very different way because we ddn’t have a lot of it at first and we understand the damage. As we grew up and moved out of our house, we found people who taught us a whole knew set of values and we know now, just bcause we ddn’t know it when we were young, doesn’t mean we’re not as solid in respecting one another as we can be. And as a result I treat my parents and my SO with that respect that I finally understand.

    Just because your relationship with your parents wasn’t always functional doesn’t mean good lfe values can’t come of it. There are good lessons and virtues in bad situations, it happens! :

    Post # 12
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Well we both treat our parents with love and respect, and treat each other with the same level of respect and love, so I guess yes? Clearly there are differences in how we interact with each other vs. how we interact with our parents.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7654 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Not true at all in my marriage. His parents have a shit relationships while my parents is good. There are differences in in each of our marriages and the way we all treat each other. How he treats his mother is no reflection of how he treats me.

    In terms of respect then yes. We have just as much respect for our parents as we have for each other (at least my parents).

    Post # 14
    Member
    502 posts
    Busy bee

    I do. In fact, I’d argue that that’s why I consider my SO family. Because I love him and depend on him like family. I can’t imagine ever marrying someone who didn’t just fall into place like that. He loves me at my most natural, annoying state (like my parents!) and it’s wonderful. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2973 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I see what you mean. 

    Somedays I find myself yelling at FH to “stop acting like your father!”, and that makes me sad. But it’s not to say that he treats me like his father does his mother – – although my MIL told me countless times that my FIL wasn’t like he is not, in his young days he was sweet and kind and loving, and now he’s just a bitter cranky old man. Maybe age just gets to ya? Idk. 

    But I do see similarities in our behavior towards each other with the behavior our parents had on us…not that we emulate our parents’ behaviors with each other. If that makes any sense. 

    @MrsWBS:  This. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1064 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I’m lucky because though we have our moments (/eras), all in all my parents are very openly loving, affectionate, and supportive. In this way things are the same w my SO. He also has good parents he has good relationships with. So we are very lucky!

     

    @winstonchurchill:  +1. My ex was a total douchebag who never clicked with my family or their style. My sister’s ex wasn’t a douche, but he was very emotionally withdrawn (kinda cold) especially compared to us and never totally clicked either. Now my sister and are both with people that ‘just fell into place’ in our family! (also both are italian like us too so maybe that’s a factor! haha!) I def feel like I can act (and look!) as silly, goofy, weird around him as I do my own family. That really does make him seem like my family and not just a boyfriend!

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