Does your SO ASK for sex?

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I wish he would ask! He doesn’t initiate or anything. What would you do if he did start getting on top of you and kissing you, without even asking if you wanted to, and you didn’t feel like it? Have you told him you would rather him show you he wants sex rather than tell you?

Post # 4
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Jw1724:  Unfortunately my FI tends to ask, too.. I really dislike it, but it is very possible he just doesnt KNOW what to do so that things lead to sex “naturally”. Talking to him about it hasn’t really changed much.. the habit seems to be just too engrained in him. So, sadly I have no miracle cure to offer, but can reassure you that you’re not crazy. 🙂 which is a start.

Post # 6
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@Jw1724:  I don’t have any advice then sorry 🙁

Post # 8
Member
2578 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The roles are reversed in our house/relationship–I’m the ‘asker’.

The asking isn’t meant as a turn-on, but more of like putting feelers out to see if DH might be in the mood… but, he still gets all pissy when I utter anything, like, “Wanna go do it?” It’s partially his fault that I began asking, though. Up until emergency surgery 2 weeks ago, he suffered from a pretty massive scrotal hernia and was really self-conscious and down on himself, causing a HUGE drop in his libido. Even when I really tried to initiate (i.e. grabbing his hand to lead him upstairs, meeting him at the door in lingerie, climbing on top of him, etc.), he’d push me away and I figured I’d start asking first to save the humiliation of rejection.

Post # 9
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@brighteyedgirl:  +1

I always ask, just to know whether he is in the mood or not. But even then he still says no occasionally, and rejection still hurts like hell. But asking isn’t meant as a turn off, it is more to avoid the pain of rejection if you initiate in other ways, such as getting on top of them and kissing them.

Post # 10
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

He’s probably asking because he is afraid of feeling rejected by you. You do sound a bit harsh to me in your OP…

Post # 11
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

neither one of us ask each other for sex.  we have a great sex life. I believe that is a part of a relationship, especially after coming out of a 10 year marriage with no sex life.  When you love someone, you shouldn’t have to ask for sex.  Generally, an SO isn’t a child, so they shouldn’t have to ask for it since you are both consenting adults.  I think you two really need to sit down and talk about this.

Post # 12
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

we both ask, but there are times when it just happens. then, there are times when he initiates without asking and i turn him down, so he probably likes to ask just to be sure. and man, i wish my FI wanted morning sex, what a great way to start the day! i hate doing it at night, bc im exhausted and it usually means im staying up later than id like and then im tired the next day.

i dont know that anyone has 100% passion in their lives – sex takes some work, too. perhaps you should initiate too? show him how it’s done – and do it in the early evening.

i dont have much advice, since we’re both still struggling with a lot of the same issues – FI is good about sometimes just touching me and showing me that hes “ready” for it, but its not always like that – and we can’t get a good time of day that we’re both really wanting it, we’re totally on opposite schedules when it comes to that. :/

ETA: I do want to add that maybe you should loosen up a little and just let it happen sometimes – sex isn’t like it is in the movies with all romance all the time and whatnot. and i think the problem is that you think of it as a personal release for him, if he wanted that, he would just masturbate, but he probably wants you and just doesn’t know how to follow all your rules. good luck!

Post # 13
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We kind of ask each other every time… He wants it more than I do (I’m older than him, and get more tired after a day at work lol), but when I want it, I ask or I show him (I walk in the living room in lace underwears, etc LOL). When he wants it, he starts by saying I’m pretty and desirable in those clothes, and that he wants me so much or something like that. It happens that one of us says “Ohhh sorry I’m so tired” or “Awww sweetie I have to finish this” or we get a big smile and it is a go 😉 I also really don’t like morning sex, as a PP said, but he really likes it, and initiates it by touching me while still in bed, so sometimes I say yes on a Saturday morning, sometimes I say Sorry! Not today lol

My point is we seem to have a balance between asking some of the time and initiate it physically at other times. But don’t get me wrong, we don’t do it all the time like bunnies and the rejection can be annoying sometime, but since we both do it, it is not really hurtful. So maybe you could do to him what you would like him to do? (Initiate sex physically without asking). It is a tricky situation, because your FI doesn’t seem to listen to you when you explain what you would like, or doesn’t seem to understand that he doesn’t have to start the same way every time! So maybe by showing him what you want, he would get it? 

Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
5087 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

Our kisses are different…so then we know it’s on. We don’t ask verbally, we just know. 

Post # 15
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Jw1724:  I agree, you sound really harsh in your OP. Why would you make the toothbrush comment? That’s just hateful and brushing his teeth is not a crime… 

My ex used to ask for sex and it drove me crazy so I know how you feel, but now that we’re not together I realize he asked because I constantly rejected him when he didn’t because I wasn’t attracted to him and wouldn’t admit that to myself – are you sure you want to have sex with him at all? My current BF could ask, climb on me or hell even just smile at me and the answer would be yes yes yes every time. 

Maybe you should initiate the way you want him to – lead by example. 

Post # 16
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Jw1724:  DH doesnt seem to ask anymore.  He learned while still my FI that if he asks hes not getting it at all.  It was a complete turn off.  Now I am pretty much the one that start it.  We have had a lot of not so nice conversations about sex and how it gets started and all that.  It helped a lot.  We have a great sex life now.  It look a while with him not asking for sex.  He still hasnt fully gotten down pat the “seducing by randomly coming up to me and kissing me and groping” But i get it occasionally! 

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