- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
FH and I have been together for over 5 years now, and during this entire time, he has always cleared his internet history. Like every time I am over and use his computer for anything, it has been cleared, so I know that he purposely clears it before I arrive. He also clears his google search history. I don't necessarily go "snooping" but I do notice that everything is cleared.
I dont know why, but this recently has started to make me feel uncomfortable. I know he watches porn, he admits it, but other than that he is very secretive about his porn preferences. I am not thrilled about porn, but just realize I have to accept it. I have even suggested we watch porn together and he refuses, saying porn is something he does when he's alone, in private and he would feel weird watching it with me.
Basically I think it's just all the secrecy that is starting to bother me. Why does he have to viligantly clear his internet history so I dont see what he's been up to? Why does he want to keep porn habits seperate, private thing from me? It makes me freak out a little bit when I start to think of what the reasons could be.
I've brought it up with him before and he laughs and tells me I'm worrying about nothing and it's not a big deal because almost all guys clear their internet histories.
Basically I want to know what you bees think. Am I over reacting and I should just let it go? How would you feel? Does your SO clear his internet history too?
Do you know if he has it set to automatically clear everytime the browser closes? To me that would seem less suspicious then going in and clearing it right before you got there.
I know my FI watches porn, and it doesn't bother me. He's also not tech savvy enough to know how to clear the history, or the url history. Thats how i know what he's been watching. not because is snoop, but when i go back to see pages that i've looked at earlier, i see what he was doing. He doesnt like to talk about the porn either. I think he feels guility about watching it. But i've told him over and over that it doesn't bother me, but he still likes to be secretive. Maybe that's part of the excitement? Like if I know about it and am ok with it, there is a little less thrill? Anyway, as long as it isn't taking over his life and he's watching it for 8 hours a day, i don't see the problem. But if you're not ok with it (especially the secrecy part) you definitely need to have a talk about it and explain whey you are uncomfortale.
The pron thing worries me more than clearing the history. Why is his porn something that he feels like he has to hide from you?
My internet history is set to clear every time I close the browswer. I specifically do this so FI doesn't know my porn preferences. He knows the types of things I like but the fantasies I have are very private and I would be very embarassed if he saw or knew what all of them were.
I second @Natalieh86:. Many people set up their browser to clear out when they close it, myself included.
I'm sorry the porn thing is bugging you. What is it about him watching the porn that bothers you so much? You know he does it, are you also hoping to see exactly what he watches? If so, why?
I get what some of you ladies are saying. Like I sometimes dont want him to know all the websites I visited and will clear my own history, nor do I think he needs to know all my sexual fantasies if I choose to keep some private (although I rarely watch porn by myself). But it just seems like he's hiding something when every time I'm on his computer, it's crystal clear.
And you guys do bring up a good point about unless it getting in the way, why should porn bother me, and do I really want to know what he's watching...I guess my biggest thing is, I went through a period where I watched more porn by myself and I came to the conclusion that I dont find a lot of the mainstream stuff out there to really be sexy. If I want to watch porn, it actually takes me quite a while searching to find something that even turns me on. There is lack of tenderness and kissing, and I feel sometimes women are humiliated or disrespected and porn tends to be so focused on the male needs and wants. I do get that it's fantasy, but I guess it bothers me thinking that my awesome FH would find certain things sexually arousing that I find so off-putting, and that he chooses to keep it all a secret.
I've asked him what he watches, and he says "nothing weird, just regular sex, usually with a guy and a girl, sometimes a threesome", and he tells me I wouldn't be offended by it. But if this is the case, then why hide it? Ugh...I don't know...
Being able to communicate openly about sex is really, really important in a marriage. Have you visibly freaked out about the porn with him? Told him it makes you uncomfortable? He may think he is trying to save you the heartache of seeing things related to it, and it is coming off as something suspicious instead. Try talking to him about it in a loving, accepting way. He may open up to you more about it if he knows he can talk to you and be accepted.
And no, my husband does not clear his browser history. He has some of his favorite porn files uploaded to our media server, even. I'd always rather know than be in denial.
I think that this is something you need to let go. Everyone has there deep, dark secrets, fantasies they enjoy etc which don't effect their life but that they allow themselves to enjoy, by themselves. You just said that there are things you don't necessarily want to share with him, give him the same benefit. Even if he does like to watch porn that you don't like yourself, that's ok!
Remember that porn and related activities are only about pleasing one person, himself, and really it's a completely different activity to sex. Sex is about compromise and making sure both people are enjoying themselves and sharing a connection. What porn he watches may be very different from how you have sex, and that's ok! Because it's a different activity all together.
So, try and let it go, there are much bigger things to worry about and until it actually starts to affect your relationship, it's not a big deal. Digging now will just cause trouble.
DH doesn't. But if the history is always in the side bar (some computers are like that!) I hate seeing it- it looks clunky and cluttered to me. My OCD prompts me to clear it, and I can breathe again. I'm the same way at work with my email. Each email has a subject and it goes in the appropriate folder; otherwise it looks too chaotic and cluttered for me...
Just thought I'd offer a different perspective :)
Maybe he also hangs out in chat rooms with other guys and acts like an idiot. I am being serious, in the age of the internet and message boards, I know lots of people who BS like idiots on-line the way they would at a bar hanging out with "the guys." They joke about farts and fat chicks and shit blowing up good in movies.
It's possible that is what your guy is doing, just being a guy...and maybe he doesn't want you to see the 15 page long thread he and his buddies have discussing which is better Jessica Alba's ass or Christina Hendrick's rack, not because he is trying to lie to you, but because he knows it makes him look like some 14 year old butthead.
I am sure there is porn there too, but there is possibly just a lot of dumb shit he doesn't want you to know about because it makes him look stupid. Think of it this way: if you were on his computer researching how to deal with lip/chin waxing, is that something you would REALLY want him to stumble on? No, not because it's some big secret, but because you want to keep some air of mystery and be seen as a natural beauty...not suddenly be seen as the bearded lady.
My browser is set to always be in private browsing mode. And it clears everything when I exit. I don't like leaving any kind of trace of where I've been. I don't want to keep random cookies, I don't want to keep pages cached. I prefer to keep as much crap off my computer as I can. It's just easier to keep it clean than have to go in and clean it. It sounds like you're paranoid to me.
No, I don't think my FI would know how. I also know he doesn't watch porn... like at all. He used to but now he's just not that into it, mainly because we have more sex now. Every male is different.
I think if he's clearing it purposely that's a bit weird- as for the porn thing, if it bothers you maybe you shouldn't be with him. What you're comfortable with is totally up to you. I know lots of women are totally cool with porn, I personally don't care for it. If my husband was an avid watcher it'd be a deal breaker.
It seems a little weird to me. Maybe he is set up to clear every time, but if not, and he really didnt want you seeing his porn tastes why is it he watches it so much he would have to worry everytime you see him. My FI watches porn but even when we were living apart he didnt watch everytime I was away.
Maybe you dont see him as much as I was used to seeing my FI, and they are different people, but with my experiences I would find it REALLY weird.
I would think it was not porn.
I agree that it's not a huge red flag - a lot of people have it set to automatically clear, which would explain why it's clear every time you open the browser. And a lot of people clear it for a lot of different reasons. HOWEVER, I do think it's important to be open about sex, porn....everything, really. So if something is concerning you, bring it up!
The porn wouldn't bother me, But if he's hiding it it would, Only because i had a EX that used to do to the chat type porn sites, Where you do stuff live with people watching (and i don't like that because only i should be seeing him naked) and he would delete his history if i asked to use his computer.
I clear my internet history a lot (mostly because I don't want SO to find out about Weddingbee :p)
SO watches porn and rarely clears out his internet history, so if I use his computer I can easily see which websites he's been on.
I don't think you need to worry too much about this. Maybe your SO just feels more comfortable clearing his history after watching porn, for reasons that have nothing to do with you? It doesn't even have to mean that he watches something really weird.
I find it more irritating when he clears his iPhone history on Safari. Just screams to me that he definitely has something to hide then. As for his computer, I don't think he does. If he has, I haven't noticed lately because I've been on this kick where I don't use his computer or phone. I don't want to see anything like I have in the past. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm confused as to why clearing internet history automatically screams he's hiding his porn habits. Cleaning a browser doesn't mean he's hiding his porn. Clearing phone history? Pfffft that clears up storage space and keeps the phone running faster. It isn't being secretive, it's being smart. If he's always done it, why is it an issue now? I agree with PP, if his well established computer maintenance habits are freaking you out, re-evaluate your relationship.
MeAndDubby- She has made it sound as if she has talked to him, and he has acted as if he is hiding something. I am going on my Fiancee for reference, and I would find it weird because he only clears his computer once a week, not right before I enter a room. I mentioned it it was a all the time thing, no biggy, but if its right before you come, or as soon as you walk in, and very obvious, I would worry.
We very rarely clear our history, and we share a computer. Nothing to hide here. If he started to out of the blue, yeah i'd be suspicious. And I think if you have expressed concern and he still does it, then it is an issue that needs to be addressed
I had to check, because while we use the same computer, he uses firefox and I prefer IE. We have our own sets of homepages and stored passwords. And no, his is all there!
@weeonebride: She said "I've brought it up with him before and he laughs and tells me I'm worrying about nothing and it's not a big deal because almost all guys clear their internet histories." Girls do that too. I don't see how that sounds like he's hiding something.
Again, she said he's always done it. But she ONLY cites porn as the reason. If they aren't engaged (since FH doesn't always mean he's proposed) maybe he's ring shopping? But again, he's done the same thing for 5 years. Can she prove he's doing it RIGHT before she shows up? Or is that her own insecurity assuming he's done it? PP have also said perhaps it's set to auto clear. But - the majority is saying it sounds fishy and like he's got something to hide. He shouldn't have to change his 5 year old habit because she has a twinge of insecurity now. "I dont know why, but this recently has started to make me feel uncomfortable" I'm still standing by she's over reacting. After 5 years, she knows this guy. She knows what he's like. She knows whether he's trustworthy or not. She knows whether he's the cheating kind. She knows this. If she's feeling a bit of doubt creep in, and he's changed nothing, she needs to ask herself why. What changed in her to bring this about.
I wouldn't assume a cleared history means he's hiding anything - more likely, it just means he's making smart decisions about digital security. I have my browser set to automatically clear my history, I know FI does the same, and we don't use each other's computers. Our machines are password protected, and we don't share passwords. We aren't hiding anything from one another, it's just not smart to ignore security.
My FI doesn't clear his history. But then I don't go looking through it either.
My DH doesn't clear his history (nor do I). We don't have anything to hide (and I don't care that he watches porn and spends a crap ton of time on ESPN.com). That said - I don't go looking through his history either because I trust him whole-heartedly.
I do but I do it just because I don't want anyone knowing what I've been looking at-- and it's not anything bad, but I just have that feeling like it's a private thing. That's just me though! I know same amount of people that do and don't, it's half and half!
You just realize you have to "accept it?"
oh, I know I am not going to change the world, but this still makes me so sad. If he views other women as objects, then what's to make you think that he doesn't or won't view you as an object? (for selfish, personal pleasure?)
Our computer is set to clear automatically on exit- he barely ever uses it, but I wouldn't want him seeing what I've been looking at 
my computar is now set to automatically clear when i close a browser. But before then clearing history was just out of habit. I dont like my computar being slowed down so i always cleared it. just became a habit.
I wouldnt think too much of it. I doubt its anything to worry about!
If you don't live together...what he does on his computer is his own business. That being said, you need to make sure you set boundaries you're comfortable with before moving in together.
No he definitely does not and it would bother me if he did. I mean I don't snoop-- but why would he hide? I wouldn't marry someone who kept secrets from me.
From experience with my FH dont make it an issue unless it is hurting your relationship....if he no longer is intimate with you or your relationship is different, thats when you bring it up. And if hes willing to talk about it just dont judge and see where hes coming from. It wont get fixed unless you discuss it together.
Do you two live together? If not, things might get a little more relaxed after you've lived together for a while and build a little more trust and understand boundaries a little better. I honestly wouldn't want DH reading through all of my comments on WB on a regular basis, not because I bash him or say anything too personal about us, it's just private. I wouldn't delete my history or account or anythign to keep it from him, I just trust that he won't open up WB and start reading because he knows it is off limits. Although, before he moved in I might have gone through the trouble of clearing history or something to keep him from stumbling across it. We hadn't established that boundary yet.
That's just an example, but I've found in general the need for privacy diminishes the longer you live together. And I also agree that something like porn is super personal and private, I would never demand to know what DH is looking at because it isn't real and at teh end of the day, who cares?
I'm definitely in the camp of people who have their browsers set to private browsing. FI and I share a computer, and while we don't really look through each others computer history I find it kind of creepy to have everything I looked at on the internet that day logged.
It reminds me of that episode of the Office where Pam has to keep a log of everything Michael does during the day to send to head office.
I don't really care what FI does on the internet and while I'm not doing anything weird on it either, I'd prefer not to have a record of it.
Maybe your man just doesn't like having anyone be able to browse what he's doing in his free time.
No, he doesn't. We have 1 desktop & 1 laptop. I am mainly on the desktop & he mainly uses the laptop. But he isn't a big internet person. He likes getting on football/basketball/nascar sites & also likes looking at golf items and or buying things. He doesn't watch porn. He did when we first started dating & I told him my beliefs on porn. Which is totally different than most womens views on it & he stopped. I had never told any guy before my husband my views on porn thus none of them stopped watching it. But when I told my hubby (then boyfriend) he stopped automatically because he understoond it wasn't just a childish wish but a strong belief of mine. But if it doesn't bother you then I wouldn't worry to much about it but would ask him if he had it set up to auto delete the history & if not why doesn't he just delete the porn websites he goes to. Or if you're not comfortable with that ask him to let you watch it & see if you like it also, just so you can see what he is seeing & see if its really something you would want to do with him or let him keep private.
No my FI does not clear his history. Nor do I. We have nothing to hide at all. Yesterday my phone died and he pretty much handed me his to use for the day not worried about me seeing anything. Because we have no secrets.
Porn isn't an issue either. If he watches it, he will tell me. And, I do the same and we both watch it together sometimes as well.
My ex-husband did all of that and was cheating on me....not saying that's what everyone is doing when this situation comes up but for me, it would be a reg flag and I'm a happy my FI and I don't have issues like this.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Brielle | 44 |
| ndreighton | 36 |
| caseyleigh10 | 30 |
 vorpalette |
29 |
| les105 | 24 |
| ellisrobertson | 24 |
| mypinkshoes | 23 |
| fishbone | 23 |
| lionskitty | 22 |
| SouthernGirl | 21 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| j_jaye | 4 |
| tibbets | 4 |
| RayKay | 3 |
| rubybride718 | 3 |
| Miss T-Rex | 3 |
| bestbuddies | 2 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 2 |
| Jupster | 2 |
| redheadem | 2 |
| ladyartichoke | 2 |
