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I think your talking about my FH there!
He has only told me I look pretty ONCE! But I can always tell when he thinks I look good because we'll have sex. But I totally am on the same page I wish he would say something! He doesnt hes just not that type of guy.
Sorry you're having a hard time :( I think its great that you investigated your differences with the 5 love languages test and such though! So much better than just being confused as to why you're not connecting on this. I also think that it is harder for guys to go the extra mile with stuff they don't understand. I'm kind of in a flipped situation where I am totally an "Acts of Service" girl and my FI is a "physical touch/words of affirmation" guy. We've talked about it and I feel like I do make an effort to compliment him more and to also be more touchy than I would generally be. I think it is suuuper easy for him to just forget and not really make an effort with me on the acts of service stuff. I think it just doesn't stay in the forefront of his mind and he slips into his normal comfort zone of behavior, ya know?
I think all this stuff is a process and its just going to take a while for you two to find a groove. You have your whole lives to get it right. Just keep reminding him that it is important to you and hopefully it will click at some point that he needs to be more verbal in his appreciation.
Regarding the honesty though... I think that is something that you might just have to deal with. He probably isn't going to get less honest, and he isn't doing it to be mean. I think its really nice that you know when he says something is good it is REALLY good and he's not just being nice! Accepting this part of him is a compromise you're probably going to have to make.
Thanks you guys. :)
I just wish that he made more of a conscious effort to TRY and do what I need (the words of affirmation) but it's seriously almost like pulling teeth and i feel like because he KNOWS it's not natural that he almost wants me to "accept" that it's not natural for him so he's not going to be able to accomodate my needs as much.
I mean - again, I know it's not like he NEVER does it and I KNOW that I need to "take it as it comes" it just seems so few and far between. :(
@CorgiTales: again, no, he's NOT being honest in a mean way at all. he's never told me "you suck - you can't do this (well, except that he hates my driving, but that's a whole other story, lol)" but he is always telling me how he "wishes" things were different such as he wishes I weren't so stressed out and anal about our finances/debt - well, I wish he wasn't so damn honest about things, sometimes - and we both need to realize that both of those wishes may never come true! lol.
I agree and understand that it IS a process. We've actually been married now for almost a year and a half (legally) and we've lived together for 3.5 of the 4 years that we've been together (moved in after 4 months of knowing each other). so it's NOT like we're extreme newlyweds who don't know each other's habits. But I think he keeps wishing that one day I'm going to wake up and BE June Cleaver - which is NEVER going to happen (and I keep reminding him of this)...and yes, I know that goes the same way that he's not going to wake up and be exactly who i want him to be either.
We DO love each other for who we are - but it's always that "I just wish you were a little different in regards to "_____". Which, obviously, I know is how every married couple feels.
yea that just sounds hard. i can sympathize with his feelings on compliments because i do think it is just harder for some people. For example, i hate hate hate when someone fishes for a compliment. we both know what they want and i'm not going to do it. it just is super off-putting to me. When we first started dating i felt like fi fished a lot because i am not a person who generally gives a lot of compliments and he needs them... so he would try to pull it out of me and then it seemed desperate and disingenuous and it was a really bad cycle. i do think things are better now bc he knows not to fish and i know to make an effort to give unsolicited comments... but that comes back to girls being more adaptable than guys. you probably just need to stick with telling him and make sure he understands there is a middle ground. you would probably like an extremely complimentary husband and he doesn't see the need for compliments at all. the compromise here is that he needs to make an effort to acknowledge what he is grateful for SOMETIMES.
@JuneBride_26June2010: I can totally relate to you! I like words of affirmation and my DH likes to show his love by doing nice things for me. He is also the type that won't say he's proud of me because he says that is something you would say to a child, not an adult. He does compliment me, though it is not always often. He is too honest to a fault many times. I do appreciate his honesty, though I wish he would say these things in a nicer way.
One time when I was trying to be sexy, I bought a new pair of lacy black boyshorts from VC and modeled them for my husband. I asked him, "do these underwear make my butt look big" (in my sexiest voice) and he answered "actually yes.. not a fan".
I haven't bought a single pair of new sexy underwear/ lingerie since and he hasn't noticed. He can kiss my big butt.. granny panties it is! lol
I have the same problem with meals too occasionally, but the sexy underwear thing bothered me more..
Men are just blunt!
No real advice here. However, my ex-husband tended to be honest to a fault, plus his honest views were usually negative.
The really ironic part was that he came to my second wedding, and actually complimented the chuppah (wedding canopy) I made. After 20 years of pretty much never hearing anything complimentary from him, I practically fell over.
You and your husband sound like me and mine. His love language is "acts of service" and mine is "words of affirmation," (and "affectionate touch" or whtaever that's called) and like yours, he doesn't seem to understand my point of view on it--although I have noticed that he is complimentary to me on certain things, like my career goals and talents, which does mean something to me. He's also learning to just freakin' pretend he likes what I cook even if he doesn't. Or to balance out the: "I prefer my bread warmed in the microwave, not toasted" with a: "This is good, thanks for thinking to make me an egg salad sandwich with cheese and pickles, since you remember I mentioned the other day that I like that."
But like yours, mine can definitely be too "honest." He always prided himself on being "brutally honest," but I'd like him to understand that if something is "brutal," it doesn't belong in a marriage relationship. He blurts things out without thinking sometimes, and yes, it can be offensive. My wonderful guy is one of the most caring people I know, but not as sensitive as I'd like.
*sigh* No advice, but I definitely understand!
My mister and I are exactly that way too! He doesn't even like it if I compliment him. His says it's because he's "British and we are not a culture of people who praise and codlle each other all the time like Americans." It makes it extra special when he does compliment me though 
My husband actually does compliment me a lot, but I still find him too brutally honest sometimes. He compliments my looks pretty frequently, but sometimes he will say things like, "Have you ever thought about braces? That tooth is crooked" or, "You have been wearing that dress for like 5 years. maybe it's time to retire it?" and even though I say things like that to him all the time, I always get offended. There are certain things I'm sensitive about, and I can't just brush it off. He has also been known to say, "you are the girl, aren't you supposed to be the one who cleans up the house?" It's not that he doesn't clean the house, it's just that I am kind of a big slob and I leave my stuff lying around everywhere!
Anyway, I don't know what to tell you, but I relate. Relationships are so hard sometimes! I laughed when you said that he said that something you cooked sucked...it sounds funny but it is really annoying that he will never sugar coat anything for you. You don't want it all the time, but a little bit would be nice!
I can see where this would be really annoying! My husband (!) doesn't always say the right words either. It's not that he doesn't appreciate me or how I look/what I do, but it doesn't always occur to him to tell me. So, when I need to hear it, I just tell him. As in "Bebe, I need you to tell me how awesome I look." Not saying it's a solution for you, b/c I can also see where it would get annoying to "demand" compliments, but it works for us. :) Also, I've noticed a distinct upward trend in compliments since I started this. He tells me things on his own now MUCH more often than he used to. I think he finally realized that while I know that I look awesome (or did something well, or whatever), I want to hear him say it. And he sees how happy I get when he tells me these things.
Oh, but cleaning the house - THAT is our big issue. Different strokes for different folks.
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ok - so i have a question...is your SO too honest to a fault that it almost hurts your feelings sometimes?
I love my husband more than anything, I do - and I know he loves me too - we have a good marriage - but sometimes the man wouldn't know how to complement me if he was paid to!
Now - he does every once in blue moon - but it's a big thing with me that I hear him tell me nice things and complement me - but he thinks that him constantly giving me praise is childish, on my part - because "I'm an adult and shouldn't need constant re-assurance". but it's who I am, and it's what I've always liked.
Now, he KNOWS this as we've talked about it (and I've read the book "the 5 love languages") and for ME, I'm the kind that likes "words of affirmation" and I know for him, he's an "acts of service" guy.
We even went over that, briefly, with my godfather/minister who married us. And my godfather told him "sometimes you just have to say things to make her happy."
And while he "gets" that that's what I want - he DOESN'T get "why" because he's not the type of person that needs "words of affirmation" and honestly thinks it's like "praising a child" to praise ANYONE for doing something good. And I've told him "well, I'M not the kind of person to NEED someone to DO things for me, but you are so I do...I don't 'get it' because that's not 'me' but I do it for you..." and he thinks "well, no you should do those things because you're an adult and married". yet he doesn't get that it's a two way street.
Now - again, he does try every once in a while - especially when I REALLY clean the house top to bottom (which is what he wants, his "acts of service") he wants me to be june cleaver sometimes...and I do what I can - because while it's not in MY nature to be a clean-freak 100% of the time, I do what I can to keep a clean house because I know that's what HE wants. and it's not like he's asking me to do anything un-reasonable, it's just that I'm a cluter-er and I can leave things to clean for a few days before getting to them, if I had my choice... :D Not to say I don't like things CLEAN - but yup, I can be a little lazy, lol.
But then there are times - especially meal times - when I'll make something new and if he doesn't like it - he'll come right out and tell me, "sorry babe, that sucked" and it's not in a MEAN way at all - more just a matter of fact. this is how it is. now - he DOES tell me when something is GOOD - but I wish he wouldn't just come right out and say "that sucked" when something isn't to his liking. he has NO filter, basically.
He refuses to "sugar coat" anything to spare my feelings. You know all the jokes of a husband eating "burnt food" and saying it's good, just to make their wife happy - yeah, he would NEVER in a MILLION years do that.
It's just annoying.
I also know that he DOES think I'm beautiful - but that's something else I almost have to pull out of him are compliments on the way I look. It's just NOT in his nature to ever compliment anyone on anything. And damnit, I want to hear, every once in a while - for no reason whatsoever "hey, baby, you're pretty"...ya know? lol And again, it's not like he tells me I'm ugly or anything - I KNOW he loves the way I look and he DOES think i'm pretty - but it's more about me HEARING it come out of his mouth every once in a while.
ugh. i dunno - just having a bad week or something...wanted to talk this out with people who might actually listen because he sure as hell doesn't seem to want to.