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oh, i'm sorry you are feeling lonely in the planning. i think you are in good company--a lot of to-be hubbies don't have a lot to do with the planning. my partner has almost nothing to do with the planning, except for picking a date and making a final decision on the venue.
maybe you guys could sit down and talk, and lay out your expectations for the wedding planning? if he understands that this is something that you really want, he might get a little more involved. on the flip side, if he tells you that it's really not up his alley, at least you know, and you have more freedom to do what you want without having to run it by him!
Aww I think it's just the nature of a lot of men to "stay out of our way" lol. My FI is really not too involved in the wedding planning, he'd much rather I attend to all the crafts and details. I've been waiting for him to schedule an appointment with a travel agency, and he keeps dragging his feet, even though he knows the people! So, I took over that job too ;)
I highly doubt his lack of interest in planning is a reflection of his feelings about the wedding itself, if that's your concern. FI can't wait for the wedding, but he's not much of a planner, so he leaves that all to me. Maybe your FI is the same way?
I'm sorry you feel alone....that sux. I don't have this problem. We're a team with this. Tell him how you feel. This is a special day for the both yoo and well....you would like to know how he feels about things.
I totally understand! My future hubby seems to want to just lay low when it comes to planning but I think that it is because he wants to just "stay out of the way" - which I don't want! I think that grooms have this idea that the wedding planning is just for the bride, which is a pretty outdated idea to me. I have just given him a few select tasks (researching honeymoon locations, booking the officiant, etc.) to focus on while I take care of the bigger things and run the final product by him for an opinion. This seems to be working great for us!
It is very doubtful that your fiance's interest (or lack therof) in wedding planning is a sign that he doesn't want to get married! I would just talk with him about your concerns and maybe reassure him that his opinion is important because it is "his day" too! Happy planning :]
my fi has some things that he'll help with and some things that he just doesn't care about. if i talk to him about flowers, he'll listen, but he doesn't have any opinions and you can tell he's just listening to be nice. but he went out all by himself to buy a microphone and look for speakers for our ipod, and the wedding website is completely him. maybe you can try finding aspects that he's interested in.
i think "Mary Fiore" (aka, j-lo! ) summed it up the best in the movie "The wedding Planner" ......."Most grooms are NIDs. Not into details."
I had to literally persuade my FI to look at the reception space I decided on... i was pretty upset with him becuase he said "i'm sure its nice.. whatever you want, i don't need to see it"
grrrrrr... i had to reason with him that it was important for me to share the planning process and that is part of the fun. After i told him that he's more responsive to major decisions. Now when i start showing him linen colors, thats when i've lost his attention completely! ( and thats ok! )
@krissybee I agree!!! men are def "NID" in most cases.
My FH has his little projects for the wedding and helps but I do have to coax him a bit and remind him "It is LESS than 6 months to the wedding!!" but he is a great listener about the wedding and does give input when asked.
SO sits back and says,"Just tell me what colors you like and I'll be sure to have my tux match." That's about as involved as he gets with it! Meanwhile, I'm dedicating just about ever ounce of spare time (with a 15 month old, that's dedication!) to perusing for wedding ideas and he's watching football. 
I think it's pretty typical behavior...though, he does listen when I share an idea. I'll take what I can get!
Mr. Evie has nothing to do with any of the wedding plans. I expected as much, and truthfully, it's been great this way. I don't feel that his lack of participation means anything about our future marriage.... I knew he would not enjoy the planning process, but I just love it! He wants to be married to me, but probably doesn't care too much about whether the roses are pink or peach.
Not to be rude, but I think it's a bit silly when women are surprised that their FI's aren't interested in planning... Don't make him do planning if he doesn't want to! Enlist the help of your bridesmaids! Don't read into it either---he just wants you to be his wife, wedding or not.
My fiance is very excited to partake in wedding planning, but I suspect it's largely due to the fact that he has been in SEVEN weddings and has developed strong opinions about everything from guest list size, to music, to attire. I would go at it from an angle like "So what did you like about so and so's weddings", maybe that would help?
This may or may not help, because J came into the game wanting to play, but he wasn't really helpful until I gave him really specific tasks, instructions and deadlines ("Call these 11 venues and find out x, y, z and write them all on this spreadsheet. This has to be done by Jan 1"). Without the structure, he didn't know HOW to help.
If it's just an enthusiam thing, I dunno... maybe talk about WHY the wedding is important to both of you, and WHAT about the wedding is important to both of you? Maybe if you can both understand the others' perspective you'll be able to find things he'll be more willing to help with (because he values them more).
My fiance said he wanted to be involved at first and had a lot of opinions/ideas. Then he talked to his friend that is getting married in 2 months who had hardly anything to do with planning his wedding and he was like "Im going to take after him". But THEN he started talking about things and having an opinionon everything and Im like you can either help or not but dont say you dont want to and then try to! So he is going to find the DJ, plan the honeymoon AND he came up with an idea for centerpieces (lemons and limes since our colors are green and yellow and its a summer wedding) Maybe you can just assign him one or two specific tasks that will just take a little bit off of your shoulders??
My FI doesn't do anything wedding related either. It's annoying, I'm doing everything by myself and when I say something he says "I don't care about colors" like that's the only freaking thing I have to worry about. I'm just going to book it all and he'll have to deal with it since he says he doesn't care about the details. We did get into a tiff last night because of the engagement photo issue (I kinda want them, he doesn't) and posing etc. He says I'm a bridezilla (which believe me I've seen the show and I'm NOT a bridezilla in the least) I just want things to be nice. I'm so annoyed I'll need a vacation away from everyone (FI included) once this wedding is over!!
At the beginning of the planning process, we sat down and discussed what he was interested in helping with, what he'd like to have input on, and what he couldn't care less about. Then I told him that I don't care about DJs, so if he wanted something besides an iPod reception, the DJ was up to him. So, when we go to the Bridal Fair next weekend, he'll be finalizing the DJ. I've realized that while he's not interested in the intricate planning details, he does want to have some input. So, I narrow it down to 2 or 3 options, then present those options to him to help me finalize the details.
Mine helps out a lot. I am very thankful for it too because we're both so busy with work that it helps to have the extra motivation of each other when we get home to get things done.
Like AzinAugust said, part of it is that we have been to so many weddings (5 in the last year alone) so he has tons of opinions on what he likes and doesn't like.
On the other hand, it sometimes drives me nuts at how accomodating he is to everyone else's opinions/needs/wants because it's OUR wedding. I know he means well but sometimes it just means stuff takes a bit longer than it should.
Mr. HCTS is great at negotiating and details and asking specific questions. I let him go when it comes to stuff like this. He's also way into the honeymoon so that's also one of his assignments.
Find something that he's interested in or great at and encourage him to give it a go. It might surprise you.
Good luck! I know that help is sometimes what keeps one from going nuts.
For me wedding planning is a lot of work. If you're inviting some 100 people you need to figure out what to feed them! I'd be pretty pissed if FH was making me do all the work. Mine agrees with me and is willing to help out but is strangely deferential, like he wants me to give him specific tasks as other posters have mentioned. I pretty much refuse to, this is not my show, this is our wedding and he's an intelligent adult he can figure out what the next steps necessary to get a DJ are.
So far things have been going well, we have spurts when one or the other one of us is doing more. Overall though I have to admit I have more vision and slightly more opinions because I read weddingbee etc.
My fiance isn't very involved. He'll give an opinion if asked and helps do mundane DIY stuff (like cutting out a million fabric circles), but he's not exactly invested in our color scheme, to say the least.
Hahahahaha, uh no. I learned that if I wanted his help I had to very clearly ASSIGN him a specific project and then monitor the progress like you would with a child. I tried to give him things I thought he would enjoy like the DJ playlist since he is a musician but even that was tough. He liked the idea of it but the actual WORK of organizing the music by cocktail hour, dinner, reception and putting it down on paper was a struggle. I knew going in though that this would probably be the case so it didn't bother me except during those times when I was especially frustrated or overwhelmed.
At times I have felt alone in the decision making process myself. Not a great feeling, is it? I asked him to go to a couple of appointments and he chose to sit in a cold car instead of eating cake. I assigned him one task, tuxes, and had some opinions on what he wore, but has gotten no where with passing the info along to the guys, let alone ask 2 of his brothers to be in the wedding. So other than ask his opinion in food, which he may or may not have, depending on the day, I've decided the best thing to do is leave it be. He does, however, tell me repeatedly how much he is looking forward to being married to me, which does earn him some points.
Has he given any sort of hints as to why he's not hugely involved? Lots of men are raised with the idea that the wedding is "the bride's day" and that their primary role is to say yes to whatever you want and show up on time in appropriate formalwear.
Agree with PPs too, that he may want to help in broad strokes, but not be deeply invested in some of the smaller, more detail-oriented decisions.
It's frustrating that he's not as participatory as you might like, but I don't think his attitude is in any way a reflection of how he feels about you. It sounds like no matter what happens the day of the wedding, he's interested in being married and wants to be sure the two of you will be together forever. That's why he asked, right? :o)
I'll admit that FI is a little out of the ordinary, or so it seems. Every vendor has commented on his level of activity in wedding planning. He's gone to every meeting that he's been in town for, he's helped with the DIY stuff, he's had ideas and given me imput. It's been amazing, if he hadn't been this way I would probably go crazy, I mean I have help but his support means the world to me. I really appreciate that he's so supportiveand I realize it's out of the norm for most grooms.
FI helps, but not like a lot! I always go back to him and tell him ideas and try to get his opinion. He has some things to say, but its not like me! :) He would help with my DIY projects if I asked, and he goes to the meetings and stuff. For the most part though, I plan and then just confirm (or tell!) him!
My FI doesn't do anything for the wedding - he picked his tuxedo and his ring, but that's it! (Oh, I forgot: He told me not to set the date on mid-June to mid-July, 'cause that's the period of the world soccer cup... ;)). He actually hasn't even been to the reception-location yet (and I have booked it for months...).
BUT I don't care! I really enjoy I can plan EVERYTHING the way I like. And if I need advice I just ask my mom, maid of honor or bridesmaids (they're always happy to be asked).
I'm not mmuch of a decisionmaker, so while I like looking around at ideas and options, FI is definitely the one to pull the trigger. We've both said since day one we want our wedding to truly reflect us and our relationship, and he's been an equal partner in the process. I admit, I do most of the leg work, calling and searching on line for vendors and ideas, but on the flipside, he maintains the budget spreadsheet, organizes the contracts and keeps everything in check (he's an investment banker - numbers are what he's good at!)
I honestly think the reason I'm less than 6 months from the wedding and STILL have no dress is because he's not there to prode me along!
FI is in charge of hiring the DJ, the limo, booking the honeymoon and supplying moolah!
He generally OK with averything but I do still "run it by him"
My fiance has been very involved, but he is detail-oriented and doesn't mind. For the most part, I've been responsible for researching options for various vendors, projects, etc., and then I send him an email with my ideas.
It might help to make a master list of all the big decisions/projects and the components of each one. Then, you can show him the list and let him know (or he can decide) how he might be able to contribute more.
Also, I'd definitely tell him what you said here - that you're feeling lonely and would appreciate it if he was more involved. As other posters have mentioned, there is a cultural norm that it's the "bride's day" to plan (for better or for worse) and he probably doesn't realize that you're upset about his lack of involvement.
Sometimes I actually wouldn't mind it if my FI stayed out of the wedding planning. Don't get me wrong--my first preference would be that he is involved, but he's only pseudo-involved, and at times it drives me crazy! He wants to be a part of every decision, but he does not get the concept of timelines. It has taken over 2 months for him to decide on our save-the-dates, and now they will be late. He would have been really upset if I had gone ahead and ordered them without his agreement, but it was beyond difficult to get him to make a decision. On the other hand, he designed the ceterpieces back in November . . .
I think of most of the ideas, but my FI helps a lot with the planning. Hes gone with me to all the meetings and discusses wedding stuff with me alot. I think he actually enjoys it because hes really excited =). There are certain aspects of the wedding that he doesnt care about as much though. Maybe find out if there are any parts of the wedding that interest him, and you guys could do that together. I think its hard for a guy to get excited about picking out flowers or bridesmaid dress colors.
FI is very involved, but not pushy. He would let me choose everything on my own, but I prefer to have his input. He helped me choose a BM dress (I couldn't decide between two that were very different colors and styles) and we are currently choosing invitations! :)
He's not a planner and does zero on research but is great and involved when it comes down to making a decision. I find the options and then we narrow it does to 2 or 3 options and then he gives his input. I'd love it if I could just give him 'x' to do and have him take care of it - but, it's working out ok the way we are doing it now ... I've been happy with his enthusiasm and that he actually cares about details (like fancy font!) lol
What does your FI say when you ask for input or his opinion? Or, are you wanting him to take care of specific tasks? I know that wedding planning can seem very overwhelming to guys, so perhaps he just doesn't know where to start and how to go about doing things. Maybe start with a topic that would be of most interested to him (music, or cake tasting, or???) and see if he'll 'bite' when you ask him what he things about x, y, or z.
Part of wedding planning, I'm convinced, is leaning how to communicate with each other (even if over a subject neither of you cares to broach).
Good luck and keep us posted. This should be an enjoyable time (even though it's chock full of stress!) but you shouldn't have to feel like you are doing it all alone.
I know for the most part guys arent into wedding planning. I guess I figured that since it was OUR day that he would want some input. I guess I was wrong. I just feel gulity making all the decisions since the wedding day i suppose to be about US.
He doesnt really want to give his opinion on things and I,ve tried assigning jobs and nothing is getting done so far.
I'm just stressed and get that and thats where these feelings are coming from. I just thought it would different I guess. That we'd do it together... but after hearing from everyone else I see that I'm not alone. Just stressed!
Thank you all for your support. It has really helped and I dont feel so alone anymore.
He whines about doing it, but he feels left out if I do it on my own. I think he just whines a little because he feels like he has to. :p
T's thrilled and loving it so far! He's tackling the church this week and getting all the information I need for us to secure the date! He's also really into what the groomsmen and what he's going to wear and us collaborating together to create the "feel" of our day! It's a love affair and we're thrilled!!!
I agree with Miss Sayrah that his lack of interest is not a reflection of his feelings for you...like krissybee said, most men are NID.
As for me, my FH doesn't seem to care either. He'll gladly listen to me go on and on about all the details, but in the end he's "whatever you want baby". I do make sure I run every decision by him, even if I get the "yeah that's fine", I just don't want it to seem like I'm NOT involving him.
He has giving his input on a few things, and b/c I know he's feels strongly about them, I've used his suggestions. Luckily nothing outlandish has been requested!
Are there other reason why your FI doesn't want to help? Is he already too busy with school, work, other things? As much as I love planning, some days I'm so stressed with everything else, I don't even want to think about it! Maybe you are just catching him on a bad day?
I think most men are 50/50 – there are things they care about and then things they won’t even notice. FI is better with our wedding planning than I am. If it wasn’t for him, all I’d have planned is a date and my hometown church. I’ve never gone to a meeting without him - although I will say, his being unemployed makes it easier for him to meet with vendors during the week without me.
A guy not being involved could turn around and bite him in the butt though – I was in the wedding of a HS friend – the groom wanted nothing to do with the wedding. Her colors were pink & green and when she came home with bright green cardstock invitations, he was livid. She told him since he refused to go with her to pick them out, he had no say & the green stayed. ;)
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Maybe I was crazy thinking that my FI would want to help out with all the wedding planning but he seems to want nothing to do with it. It's like pulling teeth to try and get him involved. Sometimes I feel like I have to act like a mother telling thier child to do their homework. grrr!
Has anyone else dealt with this? I thought this was suppose to be a wionderful time in our lives but instead I feel stressed out and lonely. I wonder why he even proposed when he shows no interest in the wedding.