Weddingbee boards
we're kind of like that. i also call myself a "realist," and worry about EVERYTHING, and my fi usually doesn't worry about anything. he says that it's kind of useless to worry because really, where does it get you? all it does is give him tummy aches and me migraines, and doesn't solve the problem. i get that, but still, i can't stop! but i'm glad he's like that. when i have one of my crazy worry fits, he's always really logical about it and we talk it out and figure out what we can do to make things better. like if i'm worried about money, we'll go over all of our budget and every possible thing that we might need to spend money on and how we might do that.
@ artbee - That's the good part about it. Like you said, when I have those fits of worry that really plague me, he's there being logical and objective. He's a problem-solver, whenever a problem actually presents itself. Whenever it is something tangible that he can SEE to FIX, he's great at it.
We're the opposite. I'm the "pretendist" and my bf is the "realist." This usually comes out when we talk about jobs after law school. It's not that I don't worry about the future. I just don't dwell on things that I don't have any control over. I do what I can now to put myself in the best position to do what I want, and I know that's the best I can do. My bf, on the other hand, freaks out when I mention that if we want to work in the same place that one of us may have to be unemployed for a while, like it's the end of the world. He always tells me that things aren't magically going to work out and blah blah blah. I know that, but I'm not going to start worrying about a job that I'm going to start in 2011.
Yup I think those two personality types are hard to understand for each other I think, just one of those challenges of relationships.
As some perspective, I don't think a logical and well thought out decisions that given that me knowing X bad event has/is happening isn't going to help anyone and given that I know that events like X happen and are happening and I'm doing what I can in the grand scheme of things to make things better and am not deluding myself about what causes X and since hearing about X will have a negative effect on my mental well being I prefer not to hear or talk about X is 'blocking out all negativity' or 'pretending'. I think it's being very rational about one's mental health. :)
Also, statistacly speaking going grocery shopping in the middle of the night is not a particularly dangerous endevor. A lot of things that people worry about (like stranger abductions) are vanishingly rare and make no sense to worry about IMO.
FI and I are opposites in so many ways!!! and it does cause conflict with our relationship and how we approach various situations. I'm also a huge worrier...have anxiety issues, have more of a negative "worse case scenerio" kind of attitude ( i sound like a bag of rainbows, don't i? ha) and FI is more like @artbee's FI... sees worrying over something you have no control over to be useless and a waste of energy.
Unfortunately, he also sees my anxiety at some things as "weak" and that it frustrates him that i can be so sensitive to let situations/problems bother me. Sometimes i wish he was more supportive because it can be interpreted by me as not caring about my feelings (and a fight insues!! ) BUT sometimes he put my worries in perspective and i appreciate it.
@ Boston Bee - That's good that you're like that! Like I said in my post, I think it lends to people being happier if they don't dwell on things. I'm a dweller too, so I can relate to your SO. I have my freak-outs for sure.
@ krissy - I don't want my husband to see me as 'weak' either. He's never mean to me when I get all worked up and anxious, but on the same note, he has NO idea where I'm coming from alot of the time. He does his best though and loves me the same! :)
Just to give a different perspective here, in my relationship with my mom, she worries about me all the time for every reason she can think of (I'm sure I'm not the only one in this situation!). But after dealing with her for so long, I really could not take it if my husband also worried about me all the time. I mean, he cares - and he does remind me about stuff that is actually dangerous (like riding my bike with no helmet) - but if he were worrying about me every time I'm coming home late, I would lose my mind.
OMG, you could totally have been writing about me and FI -- same roles, even. Nothing bothers him! Whereas I have to consider every possible outcome of any possible situation while weighing pros and cons while... it's exhausting! I try not to be a downer, either, but sometimes, it happens. I'll be uncertain about something and looking for guidance or just a listening ear, and I swear, his most common response is "It's OK" or "It will be OK." And like, you don't know that! Also, it's so placating. I know that, very likely, in the end all will be well, but there's a lot to take care of to reach that point. Whew. Anyway, I totally feel ya!
Just to play devil's advocate: what if some people don't worry about things because they have a deep-seeded belief that everything will work out just as it should, something that often comes with many life trials and tribulations. What if that is "realist" not fuzzy bunnies and rainbows?
I tend to be a worrier and fiance tends to be a non-worrier most of the time. It's funny because I read him part of this thread and his reaction was a combination of big smiles, a bit of blushing, and then "But why worry? Everything always turns out ok!" :-P
Sometimes I find it incredibly frustrating, but I really do appreciate that he's so laid-back because he sort of balances me out. Like, I'll be freaking out over something and he somehow always finds a way to say or do something that calms me down a bit and makes me feel better, even if I'm still worrying a bit about whatever was freaking me out in the first place =)
for me and FH - im the worrier - i stay up all night, its a disease (seriously i have OCD). not as bad as i used to be, but its something that is a huge contrast between the two of us. he is always "eh whatever" when things happen but i just worry until i freak out about it. lol
mind you FH is also OCD, but his is less of the obsessive, more of the compulsive (he checks things a million times, has rituals for random stuff, etc) so its a weird paring, but it works.
he knows that he can calm me down when i need it, and when we need to get out of the door i can let him know the world wont end if he doesnt check something for the 5th time.
OMG! Seriously FI and I are exactly the same. He says I'm a debbie Downer, but who else is gonna come up with plan B, C, & D when plan A falls through. Yes, I admit I overthink EVERTYHING, and have horrible anxiety, but FI is all "it will be okay" "i will all work out" and I reply "theres just as good of a chance that it WONT work out"
Seriously the hardest thing to deal with in our relationship. He says I have got to cool it before the wedding because he can't Deal with Crazy Lindsay lol.Thankfully, HE is the only person that can calm me down and we are doing the long distance thing for the last 6 months of our engagement, so far it hasnt been good. But it think I will be all smiles come wedding time.... hopefully!
okqueenbee - I think your describing me and my FH down to a tee. Exactly the same!
seems to be a running trend here.
Just a note, cuz I felt sort of guilty about the title of this thread lol. I LOVE him more than anything. He is a kind and wonderful man and I am glad he has the outlook on life that he does. He is happy and not anxiety-ridden. Things don't haunt him and he knows how to NOT dwell on things. He is fortunate in that way, and I wish I was more like that. I just get frustrated because sometimes his mentality could be miscontstrued (by me, of course) as lack of caring in general. THAT is when I tend to get upset. If I think he's not worrying about me (even if it's over extremely improbable things like me getting abducted or something lol). Just to clarify ;)
We are the same way. DH has a "Things will work out" mentality and I have a "type A freak out stress out" about stuff.
That being said, we're both very realistic. But I will analyze a situation from all ends. I will PLAN stuff to a ridiculous extent and plan out scenarios (If i get into this grad school by X date, if I don't, when we want kids, how it factors in...i swear i am insane) and he's just like, play by ear.
Occassionally it'll bug me, but most of the time it just keeps me grounded because I have a tendency to run with it. I have a tendency to get anxious and stress. But i FEEL BETTER once I've analyzed a situation to death. My mind reels otherwise. For me, it's best just to take my time to look at something.For him, he spends like 5 minutes on it and moves on. It's just our opposing personalities and it works out well. I force him to think about stuff and he forces me not to....to an extent =]
OMG yes and it drives me crazy. Everything is all "It'll be fine" "Don't worry about it" "It will work out" and I'm like ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?!?! Don't just make blanket statements about how everything will be fine when you don't know WTF you're talking about or know anything for a fact.
I.HATE.THAT. yet in some ways I need it. I just wish he'd shoot a little less sunshine out of his a** sometimes because really, things are not always fine. Don't tell me they are.
Poor FI always thinks the best of people and it BREAKS MY HEART to watch him constantly disappointed. I on the other hand am a total pessemist/realist and expect the worst from people. If things turn out well, then great - I'm pleasantly surprised. I'm a firm believer that people will do and take whatever they can get away with and will put in as little work and effort as they can get by with. FI says I'm a Debbie Downer.
@ twalila - EXACTLY. I'm the same way as you when it comes to trusting people. It's a horrible way to be, but it's kind of like "guilty until proven innocent". Some people start out giving people 100% of their trust, and then are completely surprised when they get crapped on. I start out giving (most) people like, 0%, and they work their way up from there LOL. I like being pleasantly surprised.
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I suppose in most relationships you have the thinker & the doer. The introvert & the extrovert. The emotional & the logical & so on... In my relationship it's the realist & well... the pretendist? I guess it could also be pessimist & optimist, but I prefer 'realist' vs. the term 'pessimist' because pessimist paints me in a negative light & I think that's inaccurate. I don't consider myself an unpleasant person at all. I'm quite funny & nice to people, unless they REALLY piss me off, then not-so-much, but that's a different story. Back to topic. Let me explain.
I worry about things. I'll even go as far as to say I worry about things a lot. No, it doesn't keep me up at night. I'm not one of those people you see on commercials that can't function in the real world, and I don't take meds or anything. (No offense to anyone who does, because I know sometimes people need them, but thankfully that's not me). Anywho, I am the worrier, the analyst, the introspect, the planner, and a thousand other things I could list to give you the impression that I'm stuffy & absolutely no fun at all. Which, once again, entirely false ;) They just happen to be words that describe my "internal state" I guess.
I think too much, but I'm lighthearted while doing it. I'll sing & talk baby talk to the cat, all the while thinking about a nuclear attack or some disaster that's happening in the world right at that moment. Sometimes it's a struggle to be happy, but I think I'm ok at it.
HUBBY is NOT a worrier. He doesn't worry about anything ever. He doesn't even worry about ME. I mean, he does in the husbandly take-care-of-me type of way.. You know, pay the bills, help me with housework, fix dinner, all of those SWEET things.. but REALLY worry? Like, if it's raining hard and I have to drive 30 minutes across the city to get home from work in a torrential downpour, he doesn't really even think about the possibility that I might have an accident. If I told him I was going to the store in the middle of the night (& I seemed confident about going) he would say "OK. Love you. See you in a little bit," and that would be that. Sure, he might throw a "Be careful" in there, but I seriously don't know how long it would take him to come looking for me if I didn't come home right away. Now, if I CALLED him & needed help, he would be right there of course, but he never anticipates that anything bad will happen.
Maybe it shouldn't bug me, but it DOES! It's not his lack of love for me, it's just his mentality. The fuzzy bunnies and rainbows I mentioned above. It drives me NUTS. And FORGET it if I try to tell him about some news story I heard or something. I'm a Debbie Downer. I learned not to even talk to him about stuff like that shortly after we started dating. He would say "I know that stuff happens, but I still don't want to hear about it."
I guess it's good in a way, because it lends to him being probably a happier person than me in general, but I don't think it's necessarily healthy to mentally block the negative. I know there's a happy medium somewhere, but he & I are at opposite ends of the spectrum.