Does your SO stand up for you against his family?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Honestly, as far as I know, FI has never had to stand up for me or defend my decision to his family. From the second I met them,  his entire family has welcomed me with open arms and I’ve never had any kind of disagreement with them (I know, totally in the minority here). 

My mother is exceptionally judgemental though, and almost every thing she says about my fi is negative (e.g. I can do better, he’s dragging me down/lazy/childish etc) so I stand up for him whenever my mother voices her opinion. I feel like it sjould be noted that my mother is a horrible person and never has a nice thing to say about anyone,  especially me.

Post # 4
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@helpabeeoutplease:  My FI would absolutely stand up for me. How do I handle it? I don’t have too. He knows when he has to step in. 

THankfully, he has never had to do it for a major situation, its always been small insignificant thing. My FILs are awesome, so I don’t have much to worry about.

 

@lil_possum:  My mother too. She is judgemental, jealous, and selfish. and she treats me like a baby and when I call her out on it, she gets mad at me for being mad at her and then plays victim..and FI is so sick of it. He puts her in her place but in a way that he doesn’t come off as being an ass.

Post # 5
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My FI has never had to do it yet, but any time I worry that a choice we are making will make them upset, he always says “they just have to deal with it – this is between us, you’re my priority”.

I’m hoping he never has to do it, but I haven’t even met his parents yet (6 weeks to go OH GOD) so we’ll see.

Post # 6
Member
1233 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

When DH and I first met I knew his family was a bunch of bullies. When we started dating they were ok with my but when we got engaged a few people got in a tizzy (seriously what did they expect after 2.5 YEARS?!) and DH told his family to butt out. When our house got trashed by his brother and two cousins during our wedding and his family started attacking us for “not taking a joke” he definitely stood up for ME and our marriage. DH used to be timid but now whenever his family starts pushing him around about us or our lifestyle he is more than happy to stand up for us.

Post # 7
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

FI’s father is in his seventies, on the stubborn side, and has a way of judging people without caring to know them. The rest of my FILs are lovely and have been eagerly awaiting our engagement. FFIL has made comments to FI about how he thinks I’m lazy (he only sees me on Sundays), I need to exercise (I have a personal trainer), and that FI won’t be able to follow his dreams if he has to support someone (I’m currently in-between jobs). FI has been amazing about consistently standing up for me and our choices. I never have to ask him to defend me or our relationship. It simply comes down to “this is what we have decided is best for us”, and that if his father cared to get to know me he would have a better understand of who i am, with no excuses for our actions, just a simple statement of union and the dynamic happening with FI’s father. 

Post # 8
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is something we’re working on.  FI is the type of guy who usually thinks it’s easier to avoid confrontation and just do what makes his parents happy.  It’s a family joke that he’s the favorite (out of him and his sister) because he never talked back.  Now, this wouldn’t be a problem except my FMIL keeps coming up with the absolute most ridiculous reasons to “prove” that I’m terrible and will ruin his life.  He’s still having a hard time really confronting her about the behavior, but will pick specific points she makes and explain why they’re not true.  It’s really hard for me to not be able to just tell off his mom once and for all, but I know that it has to be him to talk to her.  Thankfully, his sister and dad are also confronting her about these things as they all see how crazy she’s being.  We’re planning on going to some counseling to help us figure out ow to deal with the situation.  I think it will actually help him in a lot of other aspects of life, too, as he currently won’t confront his roommates or colleagues about problems either.

Post # 9
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yes, thank goodness.  He also deals with my mom very well, for which I am eternally grateful.  lol  

Post # 10
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Bunch of lucky bees in here! To be fair, my fiancé was abandoned by his bio dad… his mom was 16 when she had him & left him with his grandma for the first 5 years of his life until she was “ready” to be mother. So I think he has subconscious abandonment issues where he doesn’t want to upset his mom or stepdad out of fear they will leave him again. 🙁 unfortunately for me, this means that my feelings get pushed to the side every single time. When his parents come over they have control of our household & it makes me feel so insecure. Especially his stepdad… Dude is straight up obnoxious, & loves to come over after they go drinking together & make me so uncomfortable. This has been an ongoing issue in our relationship, the one thing I would change if I could. In fact, this past weekend it almost ended our engagement, less than 2 months before our wedding.

Post # 11
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@helpabeeoutplease:  oh for fucking sure.

most recently, his mom called twice to make plans to visit during mine and my son’s birthdays, and then again a month later for his nephew’s birthday.

and then she FORGOT why she was coming, and insisted my FSIL plan his nephew’s birthday for our birthday weekend, so FMIL’s new fiance could be there for nephew’s party.

and then they opted to change nothing, work with us on nothing. 

so he told them not to expect to see us at nephew’s party.

knowing him, FMIL may have to pray to see us at all. cause he doesnt take that shit.

 

and im sooooo glad 🙂

Post # 12
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

He’s never had to, but I know he would.

Post # 13
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He’s never had to as I’m lucky to have a great relationship with my in-laws. I know he would if he ever felt he needed.  We’ve actually had a concverstation about this since I’m not of the same school of thought as his sister when it comes to raising kids. I expressed to him how I’m a bit concerned I may encounter some resistance in the parenting department from SIL and MIL.  He’s assured me that 1) that his mom & sister are much too polite to actually say anything (which I know is probably true) and 2) if they ever did, he would say something about how he and & I agree that *xyz* is what we as parents agreed upon and isn’t up for discussion.  I’ve got a fantastic man in my DH.  

Post # 14
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

DH has a reputation for not taking any bullshit. In fact, sometimes I’m the diplomat who calms him down if he perceives something in a way he doesn’t like.

For the most part, I let him do his thing. Especially when it comes to his mother. I used to be a complete doormat in that department, reassuring myself and him that she was “only helping”. Hah! Several home redecorations, one kitchen reorganization, and a few cases of being on the wrong end of Hurricane MIL later, and I let him say whatever he needs to in order to keep our boundaries in tact.

That’s why I married him! I love that I don’t ever have to worry about him standing up for our family, because he’ll do it in a heartbeat.

Post # 15
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

He doesn’t have to, his family are lovely. I standup for him though against mine.

Post # 16
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@helpabeeoutplease:  he has a really great family. So luckily I don’t need him to speak up usually. But if I, say, didn’t want to go to a certain restaurant because I really hate all their food, I don’t want to be the person to tell everyone where to go I usually just send him a text so he knows where I’m at so he can tell them we’ll skip it cause we already had plans or just tell them something to change their mind. He’s pretty good about it. 

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