Post # 1
I love to surprise my SO. I love to do little things for him just because. It’s a ton of fun and I love seeing his reaction and how happy these things make him. Just a few examples — if he mentions something small that he wants, I’ll sometimes surprise him with it. He had mentioned wanting to play Monopoly a couple different times recently but didn’t own a copy, so I got it for him. He wants to see The Hobbit badly, so I got him tickets for the day it comes out. I’ll surprise him by cleaning his bathroom, baking him something, folding his laundry, etc. Nothing major — just little things.
And as much as I love doing these things for him, I sometimes wish he would return the favor. I’m not saying I always expect something in return at all — just every so often, I’d like for him to be more thoughtful and do something out of the blue.
We touched on the topic about a month ago. I told him I would like if he would be more thoughtful and do something nice every so often just because. He apologized, said he would try harder, and that his mind just doesn’t work that way. SO shows love and affection through physical touch (constantly!), words of affirmation, and just by being there when something needs done. For example, he recently dropped his plans and drove a half hour to change a flat for me. He helped me move all by himself a couple months ago. If something needs fixed, he’ll do it. And I adore all of these things about him. I really do. He’s an amazing guy.
I just wish he would do special little things more often just to keep the romance/surprise alive in our relationship. I try to put in a lot of effort to make him feel special and loved, and I’d like the same in return. I get that he shows his love in different ways, but I don’t think a “I’ll do this for hebbywebby just to show her I love her and to make her happy” every once in awhile is too much to ask.
I’m thinking of having a more in depth talk on the subject with him soon. I don’t want to become bitter over this, so I need to get it out there. Has anyone else encountered this? Am I being unreasonable? What advice do you have? Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
My guy shows his affection in the same way – touch, telling me how much he loves me, being supportive, doing things when need him, etc. Definitely NOT by surprising me with gifts or favors. (When we first got together he would think of romantic, sweet surprises – but after 10+ years that’s definitely gone, haha!) I think your fella is probably right that his (and most guys’) brain just doesn’t work this way… Doesn’t hurt to remind him occasionally as long as you do it in a loving way, but you also may have to just accept this is one way that you two are different.
Post # 4
I’m confused. Are you wanting him to buy you gifts or other little things? To me, it sounds like he is thinking “I’ll do ______ to make her happy and show that I love her.” It sounds like he is putting in the effort, but it’s not in the way that translates best to you. It just sounds like there’s a little bit of a love language difference here possibly?
Post # 5
@Cory_loves_this_girl: I would just like for him to be more thoughtful and surprise me every so often. It doesn’t have to be a gift and it doesn’t have to involve spending any $$. Plan something. Surprise me every once in awhile with my favorite drink or by washing my car. I just think the little things can go a long way in a relationship. And yes, you are right. Our love languages are definitely different!
Post # 6
Oh my – we sound like we’re in very similar situations!
I am very much like you – will pick up a random DVD he mentioned he wanted, write him cards every once a few months and send them to him with a cute message, stock up on his favorite drinks for when he comes over. I love doing it.
But he has not done the same. It bothers me sometimes, but I’ve started to overlook it. I do believe it is just that their brains don’t work the same way. It’s not for lack of caring, that’s for sure. He’s the same way – loving, affectionate, – and his words and actions make me feel so loved. But – I wish I got flowers just once just because (or at all – over a year and still not once!) Or a pack of M-n-Ms because they made him think of me, or something. I hear you, I completely hear you.
Unfortunately I have no advice. But I can promise you this – after coming from a bad relationship where I had such falseness/lack of trust, I’ll take genuine love any day – even without the surprises. It helped me to think of something that SO does do that I love and appreciate and it makes him unique. He makes homemade cards – for Valentine’s, for Anniversary. So even though my idea of surprise me may be random flowers or things of that sort, I know most guys would not spend days writing/making a card for me. I love that and everything about him, so I overlook that we don’t do the same thing in the “random surprise” regard. Perhaps there is something with your SO that you can look at in the same fond way?
Post # 7
@pokie45: Hehe my ex surprised me with little things all the time. Like if I told him to meet me at 6 he would surprise me by showing up at 8 (or not at all). On Valentine’s Day he surprised me by taking me to his friend’s anniversary party and then leaving me with a bunch of strangers as he flirted with a friend. He dropped three lovely surprises, namely various affairs, on my head when I was least suspecting. When I was ill he surprised me by visiting a strip club with his friends – all random things, just because.
I’m sorry, I know you meant surprises of a different kind but the thread was too good to pass by without a comment.
Post # 8
He doesn’t do little surprises often but when he does it is so sweet. Like yesterday he made pancakes for breakfast before work – for no reason at all. And he cleaned up the kitchen afterward too!
Post # 9
MY FI surprises me with gifts, gestures, etc every single day. I don’t know if it comes natural or if it’s an area that took work but it sure does mean a lot to me and he knows it. I think we’re pretty open about our needs and what makes us feel special…he knows I like small gestures that show that he gets me, he likes to be encouraged to take some time and drink a whisky and play guitar or a video game or develop an app…so we both try to do this for eachother as much as we can.
Post # 10
FI doesn’t buy me little gifts or anything. I never get flowers, and we rarely go on dates (if we do, it’s usually lunch at like Chipotle, and I usually end up paying.) But he does tell me every day that he loves me, and brings me things around the house, and listens well when I need him.
If you haven’t read it already, I’d pick up the Love Languages book. It doesn’t really sound like either of you are doing anything wrong, just that you have somewhat conflicting methods of showing love.
Post # 11
Yes!! All the time. It always reminds me how great of a person he is, how lucky I am, and how much he loves me.
He’s also eerily good at it. Sometimes he “gets me” better than I “get” myself.
He is basically too good to be true… to the “pinch me!!” point… but don’t tell him I said that, I don’t want him getting a big head about it
Oh, but btw, I am more like your FI, I have a harder time coming up with great little surprises.I so much want to, but I often miss or forget those little hints. I kind of show it in other ways. Some grand gestures/sacrifices, and also, a not-very-surprising but consistent daily major effort to make his life better on numerous levels, in ways he appreciates. Lots of hugging, cuddling, and genuine compliments. Oh, and I’m better at telling him my emotions than he is at telling me (he is only so-so at that.) It really sounds to me like your FI has his heart in the right place and adores you. Do you think you could live with him expressing it mostly in other ways?
Post # 12
I get flowers for no reason; gift cards for massages at my favorite spa, for no reason; buys me things for no reason if we are out and I just look at it…
Post # 13
@dkacerek: I would kill to receive a bouquet of big, beautiful flowers! I love my SO but he has gotten me flowers once for V-Day, and they were from Hy-Vee ..and a little sad looking. I know ..I know ..it’s the thought that counts.
@joya_aspera: He really is very good to me. So I do feel bad about this even being a concern. I know I’m lucky and need to just appreciate how great things are with him. Congrats to you for finding such a great match. 🙂 He sounds wonderful!
@EffieTrinket: We have even taken the Love Languages quiz. I got quality time and acts of service. He got physical touch and words of affirmation. Completely different!
@KLC216: Great post! You are right — we should focus on all of the positive aspects of our relationships. If not getting many surprises/sweet gestures means everything else is amazing — I guess I shouldn’t complain!
Post # 14
While he shows that he loves me on a daily basis, he never surprises me with little things. Instead, he does things like carry all of the grocery bags, change the cat litter, puts together furtniture, fixes something wrong with my car, helps me with school work, etc.
On the other hand, I do little things…I’ll bake him stuff, leave little notes that he can find, etc. Sometimes it upsets me that he doesn’t do those things, but I understand that he just doesn’t function that way, so it’s okay.
Post # 15
DH and I do this for each other often. he works nights so our time together is limited. Sometimes when i go to bed at night I find a note he’s left on my pillow, just a “sweet dreams i love you” note, sometimes its flowers for no reason or even just him standing in the checkout line and grabbing me my favorite candy bar and briniging it home.
in turn I do the same for him, a note in his lunch when i pack it, or a note left on the seat of his car, setting out his clothes before he gets a chance….
i know i’m lucky he is so thoughtful, it does help keep us connected when we don’t see each other as often as we’d like