Post # 1
So I have a dilemma that is making me second-guess things. Overall I think my relationship is great with my fiance and I am looking forward to marrying him, but my mom is very opinioned and she is convinced I could “do better”. Anyone else out there relate to this? She tries to get excited about the wedding, but she’ll say passive aggressive things like “If you decide you want to marry him, I’ll support you, but I have my reservations about him”. Or she’ll tell me she thinks I’m settling. She is starting to wear on me. Every time we talk about him she says something negative: he’s balding, you’re much more attractive, he is a dud, he lacks energy, he isn’t romantic enough, he isn’t a go-getter, he’s a slob, you really don’t realize how much better you could do, he doesn’t make enough money, he’s a mama’s boy, he’s immature, he thinks about himself before you etc etc. I have always trusted and valued my mom’s opinion and this is really hard to accept. I want her to like him and for her to think I’m making the right decision. And the fact that she really doesn’t like him for all those reasons is making his flaws stand out more and a few times I’ve even started to wonder “do I really want to do this?” or think maybe she is right and I just don’t want to believe it. But without my mom getting inside my head, I don’t think I’d be questioning anything. This is all starting to bother me. Anyway, any words of wisdom or people out there who understand what this is like would help me out.
Post # 3
I think you should take your mom to lunch and have a heart to heart with her. I don’t know either one of you, but based on what you have said, you have always trusted your mom and her opinions, so I think she may have some legitamate concerns. If you have a heart to heart talk with her and ask her to tell you directly her concerns, you can counter them with why you don’t think she should have any concerns about them.
When you look at your FI and think about him while you are not together, you should be getting this feeling of OMG, I am so happy we found each other. I can’t beleive how lucky I am. You should be getting butterflies in your tummy when you think about him and when you are with him or something else similar. I have been with my FI for 10 years and I still get butterflies and feel all warm inside when we are close and/or I am thinking about him. If you can tell your mom that this is how you feel; despite his flaws, she will be more supportive of you. She just wants you to be happy.
Post # 4
Are there specific situations that she can use as examples when she brings up all these things? Or is she just throwing around examples because of her own agenda?
So what if you FI is balding? It’s not like his hair magically makes him the man you love. Have you told her how wonderful he makes you feel? Or how much he helps you in certain ways?
If it is like talking to a brick wall I would suggest sitting down with your mother and having a very frank conversation ie.:
“Mom, I understand that you’re naturally protecive of me and proud of me because I am your daughter, and I think it is wonderful that you are my biggest supporter (since she thinks you’re so awesome), but I really love _____, he makes me happy and supports me in ways that no one else can and it really hurts me when you say x,y,z about him. I would really appreciate it if you could stop picking on his flaws, because no one is perfect, not even me, not even you or dad. But HE is perfect for ME and vice versa, we care very much for each other and that’s why were getting married, I know you wouldn’t appreciate it if someone was always calling your husband down, so please don’t do it to me, I just want you to be as happy about this as I am.”
Do NOT allow her nay-saying to cause you to second guess. If you’re getting cold feet, or feeling uncertain have a good long think about EVERYTHING by yourself, without your mother there to bias you. Don’t forget all the great reasons you love him, I know it can be hard when all that is ever brought up are the flaws.
To put it in perspective, what flaws do you have? Do you think HE could do ‘better’? It may be hurtful to look at yourself this way, but you have to imagine how your FI would feel if he ever heard your mother’s comments about him– does it feel good to you to stand by and ‘watch’ someone (even if it is your mom) hurt your FI? Probably not. If it hurts, then you care. Protect that love, because it is yours.
Post # 5
That must be awful to have to hear from her all the time. I agree you should sit her down and let her know how hurtful and degrading her comments are, and firmly inform her that your decision to marry your FI is final and that she needs to start accepting him as a part of her family, or risk pushing you away from her forever. Hopefully she will come around when she realizes you’re serious.
My parents are introverted and not especially quick to embrace anyone, but they like FI and approve of him and have worked hard to open up to him, especially since we got engaged.
Post # 6
My mother Hated..HATED my FI. She even offered me a few hundred to leave him when I was first with him.
Now 2 years later she tells him she loves him all the time, he calls her mom, and she refers to him as her son to people.
I bragged about him, showed the things he did for me, and made them spend time together and he grew on her.
However It never made me feel any doubts about him because I knew him and his heart, plus I don’t value my moms opinions, nor would I trust her to pick someone out for me, she’s bipolar and hates everyone at some point. So in your situation I would agree 100% with noritake22 and have a heart to heart and find out whats going on here.
Post # 7
Oh boy did this hit a note with me! I am an ecore bride and my mother felt the same way about my now ex-husband. Of course, she kept quiet out of respect, but I really wish she had said something at the time (of course in hindsight, right?).
I agree with noritake’s comments. Now is the time to clear the air and be honest with your mom, and give her a chance to air her feelings. It may be that she is just a little scared for you, or doesn’t understand what you and FI may have in mind for your future. Once you explain it to her, I’m sure she’ll come around. If not, then at least you’ve given her the opportunity, and she can’t say “you never asked me my opinion….” (ugh that comment haunts me to this day and I’ve been divorced for 5 years).
Don’t let this drive a wedge between you and your mother.
Post # 8
My family is lukewarm about my FI. They are almost I would say indifferent to him. Which can make things super irritating at times because it is a very much “meh” attitude to anything wedding related.
I agree with everyone above that you need to have a one on one with your mom. I haven’t lived with my mom for almost 15 years and I still take her opinions to heart, but that maybe because she doesn’t share them too often! I hope that you guys are able to figure out what is actually bothering her and to sort it out.
Post # 9
Sometimes I think my family likes N more than they like me haha. I lucked out I guess.
Post # 10
My family LOVES my FI – sometimes I think my dad loves him more than he loves me 😉 But they HATED my ex-boyfriend (of 3 years) and new he wasn’t right for me. But when they would tell me I would get very angry and defensive. But in the end they were right!
Family is really important to me and I feel like sometimes people from the outside can see things that you can’t! And I can see that your mom’s opinions are starting to weigh on you and possibly starting to make you second guess your man.
I would sit down with her and have a heart to heart to hear her concerns etc. Try not to get defensive and talk it out maturally that way you guys can get it out in the open and come to an understanding!
I hope this works out for you!
Post # 11
It sounds like she is the meddlesome type….she might have a point in some areas, but not have the full picture if you know what I mean.
My own fiance was a bit immature, etc…..as a boyfriend….but then he grew up, stopped being confused, figured out what he wanted, etc…….that’s when we got engaged….and it’s been pretty great every since………. so i sometimes think some people still have the view of him pre-engagement…..
good luck….i would just set your boundaries with your mother….you’ve made your decision…try not to worry so much about the “he doesnt make enough money” thing..that shouldn’t matter so much..
Post # 12
its funny you say this because my parents couldn’t stnad my EX-boyfriend. I was so in love with him but when my dad sat down with me and told me he HATED him, i was so uncomfortable with the relationship. maybe it was just me but for some reason, everytime i dated a guy and my dad met him and would tell me that he wasnt the right man for me, he really wasnt for me becuase i would always end up seeing their true colors. mind you, my parents are not the type to be overbearring or anything like that.
my advice to you is to sit down with your mom and have that heart to heart and let her know a little more about your FI and how happy he makes you. hopefully, she’ll come around. the one thing that my parents always loved about my current FI is that he would always talk to them about everything, including the proposal, life and even ask them for advice. i hope it works for you!
Post # 13
My family loves my FI, they adore him and treat him like their own son.
However, my EX-FI they hated him, my mom would say things that weren’t degrading him but just hurtful about our relationship and would always question if he was the one for me. I never saw what my family saw, and would get so defensive and upset with them and even stopped talking to my mom, until I finally was able to see what my family saw and what my mom was trying to tell me. We are super close again and after we broke up my mom told me all the real things she wanted to say about him but didn’t and they were all true, I feel like my mom saved, but it took a really long time to see it.
I’m not saying at all that your mom is right and saying this, there are plenty of mothers out there that just think no guy is good enough, my mom wasn’t like that at all, she just wanted me to be with the RIGHT one, I think you need to first find out why she thinks these thoughts of him. I never asked my mom until after we broke up and all her thoughts on him were a dead ringer and right.
Post # 14
I think they like him more than I do, lol!
Post # 15
That must be so hard to hear from your mom 🙁 I value my parents’s opinions so much, so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to constantly hear negative opinions about one of the choices i’ve made–especially about the person i want to spend the rest of my life with! I can only echo other suggestions, to sit down with your mom and let her know why he makes you happy, and also find out what her concerns are. It might just be that she’s being over protective, or she may have serious concerns that you can put to rest by talking to her.
My family loooves my FI. It gets a bit annoying sometimes, actually–my dad always wants to chat with him about the markets and stuff (FI is in finance) and poor FI doesn’t know how to refuse.
Post # 16
They do like him very much and approved from the start. I had a friend that did what you’re describing though, and I put my foot down about the badmouthing. She didn’t have cause (other than “I just don’t like it when my friends have boyfriends”), she was just being a b-i-you-know-what. Anyhoo, once I told her to back right off I found that I actually loved him more. Kinda funny.