Post # 1
Hi Bees, (long post)
Ok…so I’m not trying to pull a bridezilla and say that my wedding should be on everyone’s mind at all time. In fact I don’t even have a bridal party to pull a bridezilla moment on. It seems ever since my engagement a year ago I’ve gotten a very ‘blah’ reaction from my family and friends. No one has an issue with us at all, we’ve been together for over 5 years…in fact…I think most of family is wondering why we didn’t get married sooner. We got engaged around my 30th birthday last March. Around that time my mother was trying to get my very resistant grandmother into a retirement home. Long story short the whole thing went down, by no choice of my family, on my 30th birthday. Needless to say the only celebration that took place was my FI and I goign out. My mother felt bad and sent a card a month later. Five days after my birthday we were engaged. My FMIL was happy and so was my family of course but my mother has not been emotionally available since they moved my grandmother. Always stressed, always tired and conversations are always complaints about her life. My friends have big things going on in their lives, divorce, baby, job hunting.
My mother decided to plan a shower and my first thought was, OMG, my mother can’t find her wallet in her own pocketbook these days. FMIL booked the restaurant but admits to having no party planning skills. So I’m pretty much planning the majority of the details for the shower myself – I don’t think it can get any more faux pas than that.
Today came a moment, although minor, but enough to really make me think, I thought this was supposed to be fun and exciting. Our Save the Dates went out last week and everyone has them. We got a few comments, mostly indirectly through my mother, and people like the cards and our website. Today I hand delievered the Save the Dates to my co-workers. Two of them weren’t in yet, my boss being one of them. I put hers clearly on her desk. She came in and sat at her desk for an hour and didn’t say anything. I have a good realationship with her so I thought, okay…she’s busy hasn’t opened it yet. My other co-worker came in, opened it and immediately commented on our photo and then I hear from my boss’s office, ‘yeah, cute picture’ in a tone that was clearly said so she didn’t look disengaged for not saying something.
I’ve always been a shy person who has an open ear for everyone else’s issues. I’m not a limelight person but for the first time with the wedding I’m feeling like ‘okay…I’ll stick my foot there for a little attention’ and I feel like it hasn’t exactly been what I thought might be.
For those relatives we dont’ see often, I’m fine with our wedding just being a date on their calendar but I’m getting this same feeling from even our close friends and family, some of whom have asked me repeatedly, ‘what’s the date again?’ I don’t expect people to talk to me non-stop or daily about the wedding – am I expecting too much?
Post # 3
At times I was beginning to feel this way before mine. I am one of those people who can really let things get to them. So b/c I was insistant that my wedding day be full of happy memories, I did my best to brush these feelings off. And it worked for the most part. There are still people I wish had played a more active and excited role (especially the day of) but I take comfort in the people who did share in my happiness that day. Hope it is the same for you.
Post # 4
Well, as much as this sucks I think you just have to try to get yourself over it. It is natural, I think, for brides to feel like "I’m spending so much time thinking about the wedding, everyone should be thinking about it at least a tenth of the time I am!" But, it doesn’t always work that way. Unfortunately, this engagement came at a really bad time for your family, especially your mother, who, in my experience should probably be the person most excited, next to you. It sounds like she is under an incredible amount of stress right now, and maybe this is just adding to that instead of helping her forget about it.
I think you just need to spend some more time with your fiancee, and be excited together. As much as her reaction stinks, it really doesn’t matter what your boss thinks. Just celebrate the closeness of your wedding with your fiancee; your family will come along as the day gets closer and the excitement builds.
Post # 5
I guess the reason I put a little more excitment into my co-workers reactions was that they know more about the wedding than my mother does. They’ve seen my dress because I ordered it online and had it shipped to work. They know all my trials and tribulations. My wedding energy ‘outlet’ seems to be them more than anyone else in my life. Seeing as how my vision of my mother was that she has been emotionally ‘removed’ from all of this I really never thought that this could be an additional stress on her. I’m not asking her for anything (FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves as well), I didn’t even want a shower but I’m sure she feels pressure of tradition to make these things happen and be all things to all people at once.
I definitely think/hope once things get closer things will change and it will become more real to our families and they will want to be more invovled. Sometimes I think maybe I should happy for this when other brides have issues where family is overly involved.
Post # 6
BnR09, are we twins?
When I called my mom to tell her I was engaged she said "That’s nice honey, we’ll see how long it lasts."
I understand that she lives a state and a half away, but it’s not like I got engaged to a total stranger. My FI and I had been good friends for 9 years before we even started dating! And anytime I try to talk wedding with her, she brushes me off and says "Now isn’t a good time to talk about these things, we’ll talk later" and hangs up! It’s very frustrating. We are also paying for our entire wedding ourselves, so I know it’s not a financial pressure for her. I’m getting ready to send out our STDs, and I’ve been putting if off for a week because I’m scared of what my mother/grandmother/family will/won’t say about them. Sigh.
I feel your frustration. Just know that there’s a fellow bee going through the same thing!
Always stressed, always tired and conversations are always complaints about her life. ~ my mother exactly. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Post # 7
i’m so sorry this is happening to you!
sometimes i fell that too. this year it’s my little sister 15’s birthday (in mexico, there’s a big celebration when girls become a ‘Quinceañera’) and my parents 25th aniversary… so when we announce we wanted to get married this year, they where opposite to it… my sis’ has never been negative, in fact, she’s even more supportive than my MOH(another sister)… but my parents seem to be more interested on my sis’ birthday than our wedding, so it makes me a little bit sad… not because i want all the attention on me… but it’s frustating to show them some wedding details and they’re not excited about it… even my pastor’s family was more interested on our plans than my own family…
just hang in there… i’ve learned you cannot change other people’s mind or behavior… i’m sure you will be happy on your wedding day, if only because your marrying the love of your life… but that’s the best reason of all!!
Post # 8
Ha! All the time! Right after we announced our engagement, my three-month old niece was suddenly diagnosed with a heart thing, so she was in the NICU in Boston Children’s Hospital. (She’s mostly ok now.) So for a good six months while my niece was at Children’s, everything focused on her, as it should have. But we still had to book vendors. And I wanted my mom’s input. I didn’t ever get it.
Now the wedding is 6 months away. My other sister and MOH just announced she’ll be 8 months pregnant at the wedding. I am THRILLED for her. But a little less thrilled for me.
The kicker is, FI and I don’t even want kids. So as excited as we are for my MOH, and as relieved as we are for my niece, we also know we’ll never have those feelings, so THIS is our exciting part of life.
Luckily, FI’s mom and dad are beyond excited and they help me through the "My mom hates me" stages.