Post # 1
Having seen several posts that fellow Bees commented on, it inspired me to start this thread. Do you believe your future hubby/wife will ‘get better’ after you two are married? Have you believed that at one point? What happened? This is more for curiosity, not to criticize others’ decisions or beliefs. If another Bee happens to learn from it, more power to her (or him). If this thread posting is a bit all over the place, I apologize, I just woke up about 30 minutes ago, still not fully functional.
Since I started this thread, I’ll go first.
I *used* to believe that I could improve my (now ex) husband’s behavior. I now realize that a person has to want to change before it can happen, if it happens at all. And now, sometimes I still find myself thinking ‘things will get better’ and have to remind myself that I can’t always believe that.
Post # 3
I don’t believe he will change, nor do I want him to.
If I wanted him to change for the better, or believed he might change for the worse, I wouldn’t be marrying him. As it is, we have been together for over 7 years already and I really don’t believe marriage will bring any changes to us or are relationship in and of itself; though of course people change as the years progress so that’s always possible.
Post # 4
My fiance has changed a lot since we started dating four years ago. However, I don’t think it’s because we got engaged or are getting married. I think it’s just part of getting older & becoming more mature. Our priorities have changed.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
I think everyone changes over time…not necessarily “improve.” I don’t think I can change him; he would have to do that on his own. I know we want the best for each other and encourage each other to do well for ourselves, whether it be at work or with our health. Ultimately, each person is responsible for “getting better.”
Post # 6
I used to think my ex husband would change but he didn’t at all, just got worse and more of an asshole. You can’t change people and shouldn’t try unless they WANT to change.
I would change nothing about my current SO and hope he never changes, perfect as he is!
Post # 7
I don’t think it’s right to try and change a person. Perhaps to help encourage positive changes that the person wants to make – i.e., my SO and I are both working toward being healthier and I try to help him make better choices and stick to his goals. But I’d never make him change or expect him to because he is who he is, and that’s why I love him.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
We’ve both changed a lot in the seven years we’ve been together. By the time we got married, I didn’t want him to change anymore. In fact, I wanted things to stay the same!
Much to my dismay, growing and changing is a part of life that we can neither run from nor force. It happens. I chose my husband years ago, and I’ll choose him each day for the rest of my life… even if stuff changes.
Post # 9
I didn’t think my DH would change nor did I want him to. Though we have grown closer since getting married, which is so strange since we’ve been together almost 6 years and married just over 6 months 🙂
Post # 10
Pffshh. No. He’s changed since I met him though. He responds to logic, and I logic’d the he** out of him on some things until he saw them differently. lol. Which I’m kinda proud of, because arguing/winning with a honor’s (and stubborn) grad lawyer isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Especially with a measly B.A. in art… haha. He’s definitely proven (so far) to be my biggest challenge in the “This Makes Sense And Is Correct Because…” discussions. haha. We go back and forth. He’s less stubborn now, at least with me, because I’ve ended up being right many times as well… so he listens much more and assumes now that what I say will make sense. Sometimes I fail though. lol
But yeah, nobody will change unless they want to. Or if they do, it’s not actually changing… it’s just faking. That’s why finding a really empathtic/caring guy is pretty darn important, IMO. Like if you dislike something, he wants to make you happy, and therefore will want to change whatever it is that’s bugging you so you’ll be happy, and then he’ll also be happier.
My mom has always preached “if you want to change a guy you have to do it before you marry them, because they’ll never change after that!” … I was like… really, you can’t change him ever if he doesn’t want to change… he’s just more willing to fake it to win you over; that doesn’t count. lol
Post # 11
I don’t think you should marry someone you want to “improve.” However, I do think all people will change somewhat over time (on their own)
Post # 12
Yes, and no. My FI and me have already made a commitment to one another (and will reinforce this at our ceremony) to continually try to change for the better. We have proven this is our intent many times over and each work on improving ourselves.
So, the literal answer to your question is “yes.” But do I think its because of marriage, or is that why I’m marrying him? No.
E. For example, he has changed many of his responses to dealing with anger during our arguments. I have worked (ha) to moderate my drive to over-work myself and am working on my responses to stress/anxiety. We haven’t tried to change one another as far as interests go, etc..
Post # 13
I think someone changing and marraige are two separate things. It’s like saying, “do you think wearing a dress will make my hair blonde?” The two have nothing to do with one another.
Post # 14
Expecting a man to change after marriage is like expecting a red sweater to become blue after you buy it. 🙂 Ain’t gonna happen.
Post # 15
many past relationships taught me the very important life lesson that nothing will change a man’s behavior – not you, not getting married, nothing.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I don’t expect him to change, and I don’t want him to change. He’s pretty great how he is