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So if you will, lovely Encores, let me know not only which one you vote for, but your thoughts about the particular situation.
I will just think on the answers and generally blog about it (no names no quotes at all). There is just so many different life events we deal with as Encores, besides all the fun stuff (romance and wedding planning) that can complicate this time in our lives yanno?
Blending the families will be tough. Between the two of us, there are seven children. My three children and his four children. Yea, I know, a modern day Brady Bunch. LOL!! We all get along quite well, but we have not started living together. Once we all move under the same roof, things might be slightly different. I am especially worried about my daughter. She is so used to having her own room and her own space, that once we make the big move, she'll be sharing with her little sister and things could get a little ugly. I think the best thing to do is to prepare for the big move well in advance. Sort of like premarital counseling, you'll need to do some pre-family counseling. As long as all parties know what to expect, things should run smoothly... well, more smoothly than without the counseling. Also, I suggest maybe doing a few dryruns. You know... maybe spend a week at each others homes with the kids to see some of the uh ohs before the real thing. You have a rehearsal for your wedding, why not have a living together rehearsal.
I totally understand that dilemma 11/11! Luckily at T's house, there are enough bedrooms to go around for everybody so we're ok. But even being under the same roof w/people you're not totally used to is work.
My son however, has a half sister who's 5 with my ex h and his w. Plus a step brother so he will be entering the same thing. He's good with that and adores T's daughter who is 4. Very very sweet to her. He and his son who are only a year apart get along well too.
Honestly, for me it's more about how the families have reacted. I was unpleasantly shocked to find that, at least so far, the majority of the problems have come from a side I didn't expect.... MINE. To the point where one person said they couldn't even attend, which disappointed and hurt me more than I can say. But we're still months away, so anything can happen betwen now and then I guess...
We aren't really blending families since FI is a newbie, but dealing with my ex and all that co-parenting stuff is and will continue to be our challenge. (So that's what I voted)
My X is a less than stand up guy. We were married almost 8 years when he left (for the 3rd time) and had been spending 5 nights a week and thousands of dollars a month in bars. I gave him an ultimatum. He picked divorce and I was as strong as I could be. I had been doing counseling and decided that I had to deal with my life - not wallow. So I got a job (had been a stay at home mom), found a place to live and started handling my life. Oh - and I lost 80lbs. Then he wanted me back, but it was insincere. A few break-ins to my house and thousands of harassing phone calls later he met someone (cue angels singing)
That was 2 years ago. They're married and at least he leaves me alone. It's the parenting - or lack of - that bothers me. My 8 year old son watches Family Guy, Southpark, Harold and Kumar (!) and other things obviously not for kids. My daughter (she's 7) often stays up long after her daddy and step mom have gone to bed [read: passed out] and "eat what we want and blare the music". It's sad and every other week, I scramble to get them back to normal. I'm so so blessed to have a wonderful FI. He gives my kids all the love and attention they aren't otherwise getting and he also supports me and teaches them important life lessons.
So that's my battle/rant/biggest trouble. And just as a side note, FI will be moving into my house after the wedding, where we'll stay until we're ready to buy one together. :)
We already have lived together for 5 years and neither of us has kids, and I don't talk to my ex anymore. I voted the family's reaction has been the biggest thing. As in, my parents LACK of reaction. It's FI's first so they are over the moon!
For us, it will be likely consolidating households and the two of us sharing one roof. No kids and my guy is a newbie but we don't live together. We live and work in the same city so we see each other a lot but sharing a space 24-7 will be new for us. He hasn't lived with anyone since grad school and I have my first solo place so both of us are pretty attached to our apartments and the space/freedom we currently have!
My FI doesn't have kids and this is his first go around. My daughter's father lives 3,000 miles away so other then the summer trips, there is no real problem there. Actually his parents have been really great and are just happy that I have found someone since their son turned out to be not as wonderful as we all thought.
The biggest stresser is my family. They are so NOT happy about this and have voiced this at any chance they have had. It is stressful because you really want your family to love you and support you and when they don't, it just sucks.
He has been amazing though and has supported me 100% in the tough decissions I have had to make.
I picked the last option. Having an ex that is still an involved dad and a fiance who wants to be the best step-dad ever - its tricky for them to find their comfortable places. I had been really nervous about it- but its working out fine so far.
I totally understand ALL OF THESE issues so very well. Luckily my family was 100 percent on my side when i divorced the ex. My family literally has not spoken to him in over 7 years. They have said maybe less than 10 words. He tried to go over to visit my grandparents (when my son was visiting his dad one weekend) and my grandparents said "leave your son with us for the visit..you leave we don't want to see you ever again" so that was that. My bil refuses to engage any convo with him as he cannot stand him or what he did.
I know I know..forgiveness. I've been the one who did that. But I guess as far as my family goes, seeing their daughter devastated from her H cheating after moving us to a strange state far from home, and then seeing her divorce and him remarry THE NEXT DAY was too much for them.
So it's literally like my family is gearing up now for my first wedding. Seriously. They totally discount the prior one and say it was my one mulligan in life.
My sis is 100 times more into my wedding planning now than when we were younger and I was marrying my ex husband. She is almost as equally into it as I am and is really now into collaborating w/me (she has awesome taste and is one of the local style mavens in her area) and is stoked she is picking out their bridesmaids dresses. She just ditched the little black dress idea. She did.
I still think that imho moving and consolidating households is gonna be the most difficult. You get older and somewhat set in your ways and voila! You fall in love with the most amazing person ever and then you have to (eek) change something. Maybe a habit you're used to. Maybe it's sleeping with somebody every night. Maybe it's having a new home with a different color scheme. But SOMETHING is different and some item here or there won't mesh and then you're up the creek.
That's still my most difficult dilemma.
So far, a recap. We have 5 votes (most) for dealing with your families' attitude about your remarriage with a 3 way tie with 3 votes each for the other categories: consolidating households, blending families, and dealing with the ex.
What do you think?
Anybody else want to give us your experience with being an Encore bride or marrying an Encore groom?
I really couldn't answer this one, because none of them are an issue for us. We consolidated households long ago, as we have already lived together for nine years. My kids are grown (and already love my FI), and she doesn't have any. My family (other than one brother-in-law) is quite supportive of the marriage, as they already know and like my FI. (The one brother-in-law is homophobic and tried to talk my sister out of attending, but we don't like him anyway and my sister stood up to him.) And the ex is amicable enough that he is attending our wedding--at my FI's suggestion. I guess I can just consider myself lucky!
well... i broke the tie i suppose. My biggest problem is my family thinking FI and i need to go to the courthouse and have a BBQ in the backyard and let that be it for our wedding... his family is insisting on a LARGE affair... bigger than we would ever want. FI and i just want it to be romantic and we want you to leave with the feeling that you know US.
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Beekeeper
Ok. I'm wanting to actually gather some data for my blog about encore brides. We're an obscure group, not usually given much spotlight, but I want that to change!
This may be the first of several quests to delve into the minds and thoughts of fellow friends and encore brides!
So...here goes.
Question one!