@TakeTwo: First thing, kudos to you for sticking it out in therapy. You are very right, therapy does not “fix” things, it helps you fix things and it’s hard work! A lot of it. I went through some trauma as a child and went to therapy in my teenage years and I totally agree. Sometimes therapy is even harder than not dealing with it (at first) so you deserve some props for what you’re doing for your relationship right now! You ARE trying, so give yourself some credit (you deserve it!)
As for lettin him in, let me tell you it won’t be easy. It’ll be scary and overwhelming and sometimes you will wonder what the heck you are doing. You will laugh but you will cry more.
When you come out on the otherside, you won’t be wondering what you’re doing anymore. You’ll know where you belong and that yore safe.
I have a personal story I want to share with you. I dont talk about this phase in my relationship much because frankly, it stung ( a lot ) and it took me a while to come to terms with. But here goes:
When I met FI, we were both pretty miserable. The girl he had been chasing after for years, the one who always stayed just close enough to keep his hopes up was gone and with another man in another province. He was broken. I was broken too. But for some reason, something about him really drew me in. He didn’t want a relationship (I didn’t really either but I was changin my mind) and he made it very clear that even though we were very close, we would never BE. We commiserated over our misery together, he kept me at arms length and I ached with everything I had. I had finally found a man I felt I could love forever and he wanted no part of it.
I wI’ll never ever forget the night that the girl came back. Just for a visit. He said everything would be fine and he wanted me to come over that night anyways. It was the ‘boy’ house and i always came over and he thought everyone would think it was weird f I didn’t come over because she was there. So I went. Worst night ever. Watching the person you think you love fawn over and take care of another (very beautiful at that) woman is torture. Plain torture. When I saw what I saw, I felt like I would never ever trust him with my heart. I couldn’t, not seeing tht love in his eyes for her. I went home and cried over my broken heart. All the tiny bits of trust I had starte to muster together for him were gone. Just vanished.
Eventually, something in me changed and something in him changed. He confided in me that the night she was there, the reason she had gone to lay in his room with a headache (tht hurtlike a bitch. I had spent so many nights in that bed..) was because she knew he locwd ME and knew she had to take her claws out for the sake of his happiness because she was being ridiculous. She had a man back home and I guess she decided that even though she had always held onto a piece of FI, it was time to let the past be the past.
When he told me this, he had a look of relief on his face. And I understood, for the frst time, that he never tried to hurt me. He was just hurtiig on his own and didn’t know any better than. He was suffering so much and I knew I couldn’t hold that against him, especially since she was HAPPY she said goodbye instead of sad.
I started to see the lighter side, the brighter side. I decided to accept that no one comes without some suitcases to unpack. And thateven though I lost all my trust, I wanted it back. I think really wanting to trust someone is the first step.
I kept seeing him and one night he was about to say something and then he stopped. So I probed a little and he says “I think I might be in love with you” I just kind of stopped so he asked me what was up. I told him that I thought I loved him before but I was scared to love him now. I was scared he would always be waiting for her, that I was a consolation prize and eventually that wasn’t going to cut it. I told him that I would try, but I needed him to tell me I could trust him with my heart, wih my life really. I needed to know that he was goig to stand by me no matter what. I told him that I would give him my trust one more time bit I didn’t think I could do it again after. He swore that he would e there for me, never lie or hide anything and always be faithful.
So I took the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken, and I trusted him. I believed every single thing he said. I told myself I had to, I had to give him this shot. He’s my one, you know?
Its not easy and there’s no step by step instructions. You just kind of have to believe in yourself, believe in him and do it. Know in your heart that he wI’ll comfort you and let him. Open up to him, tell him your secrets laying in a dark room. Just be present and trusting. Tell yourself whatever you have to, just believe in it. Believe that you have it in you, believe that he won’t let you down, believe that this will work. Believe in the love that you share and the life that you have.
Since the say that FI told me I could trust him and that he loved me, he has not let me down. Not one single time. He has been here every step of the way; not once has he given me even the tiniest reason to not trust him. I gave him my trust and he is holding it very near. We’re going to get married!
Theres something to be said for believing in a person. It helps you grow and it helps them grow. Together, you can both love each other, trust each other and be okay. You can be okay! You can move past the trust issues and work through it to a point where you just plain believe in him, the doubt does go away. Like I said some time ago in this novel I have managed to compose, it isn’t easy. It’s not all butterflies and rainbows. But you know that, this ist the first thing you worked through.
Let me say this: you need someone to trust, someone to share with honestly and openly. You deserve to have that support, let him try to give it to you. Letting myself trust someone with my whole being is one of the best things I have done for my own well being. I’m a better person for it, and I have joy now. I have the knowledge that I have someone, someone I could tell anything to, someone I could trust with my life, and that makes everything all right.
Everything is going to be okay. Just let him in, open yourself wide and take the leap you have to. Everything will be okay.