Domestic abuser taking ME to court, I'm terrified.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yorkshirerose1991:  is any of this documented with the police? In all honesty, I don’t think you should worry that much. The utilities were in his name, he’s responsible, same with the gym. There’s no law saying you have to pay half of a bill in someone else’s name (unless there was a written agreement stating otherwise) If he was on the lease though, he maybe entitled to half the deposit. And actually, if he was entitled to half, the rental company would cut 2 checks, one for each if you, unless you’re a married couple.

It may be different where you live. This actually happened to me. I paid the deposit, but because exbf was on the lease, the rental company could not, by law, issue the entire amount back to me. Since we both signed the lease, the law assumes rent/deposits are split 50/50. And that fucker kept my money.

Your best bet, because internet legal advice is not solid, call a few attorneys in your area. The good ones will at least give you 10 mins of their time to ask questions.

I’m sorry you have to go thru this. I hope that ex of yours gets a gross penis disease.

Post # 4
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yorkshirerose1991:  Can you get a copy of the report to bring to court in your defence? If you can prove he was abusive I would bet any judge would throw the case out because most lawyers/judges will not condone abusers using the system to continue to manipulate their victims. Also, I’m not sure what area you live in, but we have a local organization devoted to providing legal help/support/emotional assistance to women who’ve been abused and whose ex’s/current partners are using the legal system to continue to control them (through demanding money, support, custody, visitation, etc.) I’d strongly recommend looking into whether their is a similar organizaiton in your area, often their services are free or strongly subsidized as they operate as a non-profit. 

I really feel for you, what you are going through is awful and I hope someone is able to help you finally free yourself from this individual. 

Post # 5
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Bar Harbor Inn

They’re probably not going to care that he was abusive. They’re only going to sorry it who owes what. Sounds like you should be fine. It sucks because even though you have a good care he can use the system to see you. 

Post # 7
5059 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010


Yes, our local DV facility also provides legal support. They’ll even go to court with you for moral support.

Post # 8
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yorkshirerose1991:  Don’t know what to say, but you sound like a brave woman. It’s awesome that you’ve found a good man and are going to have a family. Your ex will be in the past soon enough. He is a pathetic person, filled with misery and rage, that he has to force onto others. Fuck him. Be strong. The system is unfair and treats women like shit, but you will be okay. If you end up having to pay some money to be rid of him, fine. Just focus on your baby and all the good things that are coming your way. I wish you lots of luck.

Post # 9
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery


Yorkshirerose1991:  I’m so sorry you are going through this right now.  I went through something similar but not as serious with my abusive ex.  We bought a house together when we were still together.  I, of course, wanted my name iff of the loan after we broke up.  But, he was giving me a hard time.  I was in another relationship by the time the situation was actually handled (with my now DH).  I was so scared of dragging him into the drama that was my previous relationship. 

I remember feeling so stuck and re-traumatized every time we had to communicate.  He started degrading me again during the process and I found myself letting it happen, yet again, in order to close this chapter of my life.  I don’t have any advice really.  It’s just important to know that this will be done and over with soon and you can actually MOVE ON!!  I can tell you that it’s a great feeling when you know there is nothing more binding you to this person whom you want nothing more than to forget.  I felt free.  Good luck to you.

Post # 10
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yorkshirerose1991:  I’ve gone through this, except in a sense you’re extremely lucky that you did not have children with this man.

What I will tell you is this; as long as you allow your emotions to be controlled, he will have control over you. These types of guys will threaten anything and everything (as ridiculous or nonsensical as it may sound) in order to get a reaction out of you. They will harass you, call you, threaten and intimidate you, bully you and ridicule you. They WILL play the victim and many people will believe that YOU were actually the bad guy. They will flip the tables and everything that they have done to you, they will accuse you of doing. And they will look for any excuse to see you, because they feel this creepy entitled sense of ownership over the people they have been with (and felt “betrayed” by).

So, you have to do several things. Distance yourself in EVERY way possible from him. Change your number, your e-mail, block your social media. Do NOT in any way for ANY reason speak directly to him or any of his friends. He doesn’t exist.

Second, take a step back and really look at this situation for what it is. He’s taking you to court for UTILITIES? Has it even gotten that far? Play it COOL and don’t let him get the better of you. Take your time, when it comes to responding to his lawyer. Take two weeks if you need it. Drag things on and act nonchalant. The more emotion you give him, the quicker you respond, the more you feed your ex’s pathological behaviour. Trust me. Chances are, if he even makes it to court, a no-nonsense judge will be pissed for having his time wasted.

Please msg me if you want to discuss more. I went through YEARS of this, and there were weeks at a time where I couldn’t eat, sleep (or work!!). As a single mom it was a nightmare. I eventually learned how to deal with it. The guy was like a barking dog. It very much was like a situation from my backyard. A squirrel got chased up a tree by our dog. The squirrel was freaking out, and the dog say at the bottom of the tree and barked incessantly for hours. Eventually, the squirrel was so disoriented it actually came down from the tree, and got killed by the dog. Don’t be the squirrel! Ignore, ignore, ignore. He has zero power over you.

Post # 11
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yorkshirerose1991:  one other thing I need to mention; bringing up abuse can be the point that screws you over in court. If you did not press charges beforehand, you will look vindictive and like the guilty party. Keep focused on the point, what matters is your family and your ex can go to hell. IF it makes it to court (which it may not), stick to the basic facts, pay the utilities out if you have to, and don’t deal with him directly. Then, don’t look back.

Post # 12
246 posts
Helper bee

OP, I’m a domestic violence lawyer.  

My advice:

1. Visit Legal Aid or equivalent service and see if they can provide you with a lawyer or even just a duty lawyer for the court day.

2. Collect your evidence.  You don’t know what could be relevant, so take everything.  Bank statements that say what bills you paid, police reports, names of your witnesses and brief notes of what they can say about what they saw of the abuse.  Any photographs of injuries you took during the relationship, any medical documents of treatment you received.  Text message correspondence, e-mails etc, that demonstrate abuse.  Whatever you happen to have.  If you can have one or more of your witnesses attend court, even better.  The point of this is that ultimately you will want to say his claim is vexatious and that will become obvious against the history of abuse.

You also need to have some evidence of the nature of your relationship.  He can’t hit you up for things that were gifted to you during a consensual adult romantic relationship.

3. Talk to a close friend or relative and ask them to come to court with you as a support person, especially if you can’t get a lawyer.

Post # 14
246 posts
Helper bee

Yorkshirerose1991:  Good on you mate, get yourself prepared.  You don’t need to get all your witnesses there, but just make sure you’ve thought about it and have a game plan.  Speak to the judge or magistrate (depending who you go in front of in UK) as unemotionally as you can.  Explain things factually, so try and look at it from an outsider.  This just makes their job easier.

It sounds like he is just a greedy little bugger and he won’t leave you alone.  There shouldn’t be anything to it.  He may turn up without any meaningful evidence.  He needs to be able to show precisely what he is owed, and explain why.  And not just “because we broke up so I want it all back” – that is not how the law works.

Good luck and let us know how you go.

Post # 15
4958 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yorkshirerose1991:  Well, if you’re going in from of Judge Judy she’d say there are no laws for non married couples. She gets really mad at people asking her to split bills and who gets this DVD or that toaster. I know it’s TV, but I suspect it has an air of truth. I seriously wouldn’t worry about these “bills” you shared. And if I were you I’d document every single dingle time he contacts you or tries to. In a notebook with dates, times, and exactly what happened and what was said. You seem like you are being harrassed or semi-stalked.

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