- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
So the Mr. and I live in one of those "luxury apartment communities" where its a grouping of several 2 story buildings and a club house in the middle with a 24 hour security booth.
We've been here for 2 years, and its been great and extremely quiet - its probably 90% couples around our age who commute downtown for work or graduate/med school.
One night in September when we still had the windows open, I could hear the couple above us screaming bloody murder at each other. The problem was that they were screaming in Korean, which I dont speak - so I couldn't tell if they were just having it out over a burned dinner, or threatening to kill each other. Knowing every couple has their moments - and not being able to see if anything physical was going on, I figured if they knew I could hear them - maybe they'd chill a bit. Stepped out on my balcony - and yelled "Is everything ok? Should I call the police?" They stopped. The cops pulled in 5 mnutes later (someone else in the building must have called), but the wife told them everything was fine, and they left. This happened again in October.
Then in November, a car pulls up right in front of our balcony and our living room window. Mr and I were just on the couch watching a movie. We hear her screaming again and look outside -she is trying to get out of the car, and he is holding her by a fistful of hair. She's kicking, screaming, and slamming him on the head with her purse - and he's not letting go.
I pretty much fly out on the balcomy and scream at the top of my lungs "STOP!" He freezes and looks up at me - and without really planning or thinking, I just glare at him and scream "what the fuck is wrong with you?" He lets her go and she jumps out of the car. She sees me holding my phone and immediately starts pleading with me in broken English not to call the police. I stare at both of them and go "Are you kidding? Really? You really think I'm going to see this and then just go back inside like nothing happened?" He speeds off and leaves her on the sidewalk in front of my balcony. I ask her if she wants to come inside my apartment. She says no and continues begging me not to call the police. I tell her I'm sorry but i have to.
Cops show up - and neither of them are anywhere to be found. And somehow 24/7 Security Awesome Guy has not heard ANY of this happening and finally strolls on over after seeing the cruisers pull in. Fantastic. I give a statement, and a couple of other neighbors come out to say they heard it. The next day I get an email from the manager of the complex apologizing for my "experience" and assuring me that it would be "dealt with". Who the F knows what that means? I had a Koean speaking friend write up a card with some domestic violence shelter info on it and slid it under their door. It was all I could do to not just feel useless.
I mistakenly told the MR if I ever saw anything like that again, I'd grab my big stone frog decoration from the balcony and throw it at him. He has I guess learned not to underestimate me when I say things like that, so when he went on a business trip this week, he made me promise not to kill the neighbor even if he deserved it.
Low and behold, about an hour ago - screaming. LOTTTS of screaming, and the sound of either stomping or things getting thrown. It took every.single.ounce of restraint to call the cops and then just sit here listening waiting for them to show up.
I know thats the right, safe thing to do - but AKJDSKLJEWIRHWEHRERRRRRHHHHH!!!!!!HHH!!!!! I'm like...white knuckle, heart-pounding livid right now. GUHHHH.
/end rant. just needed to get that out.
OMG how horrible! You are doing all the right things...calling the police and offering help. Many cudos to you!!! It's all just so sad.
Be careful tho hun. I shudder at the thought of him turning is anger on to you.
I know... its an inner battle between doing something satisfying yet reckless, and doing the safe, right thing. My FI was nervous after the first time, but nothing happened - since men who beat their wives are usually little piece of shit cowards who can't handle a girl who doesn't put up with it! I'm just so disappointed because it had been quiet all of December, so I thought maybe she'd left.
@mandypop: Oh wow. You definitely did the right thing by calling the police. That's so terribly sad. I would be so frustrated and upset if I heard something like that. I would have called the police too.
I would keep calling the police.
Who knows maybe the next time you call your saving someones life.
So sorry you have to deal with this; its terrible :(
Yeah the police here have been really supportive. I told them last time I felt bad calling them out here knowing she was just going to turn them away. They said to just keep calling because all it will take is one time where she has a visible injury for them to be able to arrest him even if she swears it wasn't him. The problem has been that whatever he's done to her hasn't left a mark, and she denies everything - so they can't charge him. I was kinda hoping he'd slash my tires or something after that night so I could at least get him arrested.
With domestic violence, there's kind of a tight-rope. A lot of victims get hurt the most when they protest; that is, if a women who's being beaten brings in the cops, she's likely to get beaten harder/more. You should certainly do what you think is right, but keep in mind that she may not be cooperating because it'll put her in a situation where she's more at risk. We'd all like to think that abusive jerks get put away, but that's actually rarely the case; and it's worth while to defer to the victim's wishes in most cases, because they have the best intuition/radar/insight into when it'll be safe to leave the abuser.
It will certainly help her if your reports are on record, but please don't get your nose out of joint about her not reporting him. The most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when they try to leave, and she may just not be ready yet -- and that shoud be ok.
please please keep calling the police. I actually witnessed a neighbor CLOSED fisted punching his 8 month pregnant girlfriend in the stomach. I called the cops and had his GF get into my car. the police yelled at me saying i should have walked away and just called the cops. They kept saying what if he killed me or had a gun or knife. sorry. i was willing to risk that. i made her promise she would press charges. come to find out he beat her all the time.
i had to go to court and everything.
DV is NOT acceptable, and I wish more people would stand up for others instead of being so scared of being involved!
call the cops, he is CLEARLY not treating her nicely!
Sorry you have to hear this all the time!
i know this isnt what you want to hear but she wont leave him...yet. itll have to get really bad. google: battered woman syndrome.
so....please just be super careful.
indeed - made worse by the fact that she doesn't really speak English. Its likely she came over here from Korea with him for his job and has no one here to go to...
That reminded me of this ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvBKlBhfgPc
Glad to hear you're trying to help, that's very brave of you. Just make sure you are safe.
@mandypop: That is so sad...I'm so glad she has someone like you as a neighbor. I feel like a lot of people wouldn't get involved at all so it's great that you are standing up for her.
Definitely keep calling the police. As a previous victim of domestic violence myself I have to say you're doing the right thing but that the woman probably does not realise it yet, but will do in time. Unfortunately though, it is likely to get worse before it gets better. But because the police already know it's happening, their address will be flagged so when a more serious injury does occur they will be able to instantly arrest him without her cooperation.
Like someone else said she is probably afraid because sometimes when anyone outside the relationship intervenes, whether it's the authorities or just concerned neighbours, things can get worse/threaten to get worse.
Also bear in mind if she speaks little English she is probably quite isolated and dependant on him so the thought of being without him (ie he gets put in jail) is probably just as terrifying. Is there any way at all you could befriend this woman? I know you probably don't need the drama in your life but it's likely she has nobody else to turn to.
You are doing the right thing, keep it up! If it were me I would call the police every single time I heard them screaming. You just never know...people are CRAYZAY!
@winerygirl: wow@ that video - totally not what I was expecting to happen!
I find the answer you got from management odd. It will be "dealt with", in what way? I hope that doesn't mean kicking them out because of the incidents. Unfortunately that is usually what management does when it's renters, they don't want police showing up every day.
@occhiblu: Exactly. Double edged sword.
@mandypop: Personally, I don't know what is the right thing to do but I just wanted to say thank you for watching out for this woman. Even if she never gets the chance to thank you, know that you are doing a good thing and trying to protect her.
My college roommate had an abusive boyfriend. I heard her scream once (he had thrown her down a flight of stairs) and I immediately ran to see what happened. I wasn't thinking AT ALL- I got in his face, called him a lowlife pussy, and DARED him to hit me. He didn't, he was a coward. It took a long time for my roomie to figure out that this was not a healthy relationship. She didn't feel like she had anywhere safe to go, so if she broke up with him she knew he would find her, and kill her.
She has since broken free of this maniac. She is happy, healthy, and single in a different town and doing very well- but it took a long time and a lot of encouragement and support. I am so thankful that you are willing to get involved to help someone else out. What if that were my friend living above you? What if nobody called until it was too late? You're doing the right thing.
@mandypop I've never met you or replied to a post from you and don't know why - but I felt proud of you for reacting this way. I've whitnessed a couple of DV situations in my life (not to me directly) and it's harrowing, even if it's not happening to you. I'm passionate about making a noise about how very wrong and unacceptable it is.
I know some say it's just going to make things worse but it's human kind to want to protect someone else who's being hurt, regardless of whether or not you know them. What the alternative? Ignore it and hope it works out? You are doing the right thing,
Keep calling. This might sound paranoid, but you don't know when the level might drastically go up. If they're really neighbors, what if one of them pulls out a gun, fires, and the bullet comes flying through your apartment? I've heard of stray bullets going into apartments before. I had a similar situation, but I could hear them being physical. I was afraid of the bullet situation, so I called EVERY TIME. And every time I called I let the apartment place know. Either they needed to separate or they needed to be kicked out, imo.
You are doing the right thing by leaving it to the police. I know it's hard to hold back because you just want to punch the guy (or throw a ceramic frog at him), but it might do more harm than good. You can actually get arrested for assaulting him or worse he could decide to attack you as well.
The cops are right that it will just take one time of catching him in the act or seeing a visible mark on the female. And if they get enough calls, which they probably have, they might even start to camp out at times when they know the couple will be home and try to catch them.
My sister's townhouse shares a wall with a single mother of an 18 year old kid. The Mom frequently goes out on the town and leaves her son alone and almost every time he throws a huge party. At first, my sister tried talking to the Mom and she promised to make her son stop throwing parties, but it didn't work and the Mom got nasty and defensive. So they started calling the cops, but the son would catch on to it adn turn out all the lights and not answer the door when they came. Finally, the cops just camped out one night with their headlights off and waited until someone came outside, then they pounced. They were all cited for underage drinking and the parties totallystopped after that!
I think you're doing the right thing too. I would have called the police on him. Just please make sure you're staying safe!
" since men who beat their wives are usually little piece of shit cowards who can't handle a girl who doesn't put up with it!"
Yes, but that coward might also have a gun, and I'm willing to bet his wife is not the only woman he doesn't respect, so keep calling the police, but please don't confront him. In a battle between a handgun and a ceramic frog, I think you'd be outmatched unfortunately.
I know it seems like it's not helping, but keep. Calling.
Did you also ask the police if they can take a statement from you re: seeing him holding her by the hair?
The problem was that they were screaming in Korean, which I dont speak - so I couldn't tell if they were just having it out over a burned dinner, or threatening to kill each other.
Yeah they took a detailed statement, they even came out on my balcony so they could see exactly what my view was. They called me a couple of days later to make sure I was still willing to testify if need be, and asked if I'd had any problems with him. I think they were hoping (and so was I, in a way) that he would say or do something to me or my apartment so they'd be able to arrest him. Its frustrating enough for me - I can't even imagine how frustrating it is for the police. But I also understand the psychological implications of the situation she's in - so I just hope "rock bottom" happens before she is seriously injured or killed.
Wth? Most of my post didn't show up. Sweet.
Well, I was just saying I thought that quote was funny... 'til I read the rest of the post.
But you're doing the right thing & handling it well, as far as I'm concerned! I hope she decides to leave before he breaks her face (or worse). Those situations are always so sad.
Keep reporting. You're doing the right thing. If something ever happens, it'll be documented that there was ongoing turbulence.
Nor should you have to sit and listen to that piece of shit.
Good for you for shouting at him.
Maybe you can call some Korean churches in the neighborhood. There may be resources in her language that she didn't know were avaiable. Or they may just try to befriend her and once she is in a supportive community find the stregth to leave.
I keep hoping to see her in the gym or the hallway alone, but she is always with him and I'm pretty sure she doesn't drive. I'm afraid that getting anyone else involved might make things worse for her... since for all I know I could end up calling the church they go to.
Maybe you could call and just ask for pamplets in Korean or some other resources. More like "There is Korean couple that lives in my building. I think there is domestic violence going on. But she looks terrified and I don't want any harm to come to her. Do you have any suggestions or pamphlets i could give her?"
Don't say where you live. They would never know otherwise.
Keep calling, and ask them to keep your name private. They did this for me when I called on a neighbor in our old apt building. Don't stop calling the police...you might someday save her life.
Yeah, the assholes already seen my face and knows exactly where I live- so I left my name on the report - he'd be able to find it anyway if he just took a peek at the mailboxes, so its not anon, but that okay with me. I'd love nothing more than to testify in court against his sorry ass when his wife is finally ready. It might be foolish, but I'm not scared OF him, I'm scared FOR her.
The last time I witnessed a crime I was not able to testify because it was Russian mafia related - the cop I talked to said he wasn't even going to ask me for my name. Obviously I was very grateful he was looking out for me, but it was frustrating to know I couldn't help the victim in court even though I saw everything.
My problem is I don't think there are any real punishments for Domestic Violence. They might charge him and hold him overnight, but he will get out eventually.
They may also be illegal or she is, so a blown cover could be problematic.
Ugghhhh best of luck. If it were up to me, he should be shot on the spot or put away for life into some kind of rehab program. He might of had a tough life, but we can't keep using people as punching bags without serious consequence.
You might be able to find information on here for her: http://www.atask.org/site/ or here: http://www.bphc.org/PROGRAMS/ESC/Pages/Home.aspx.
*Update* - They were kicked out of the apartment complex. I saw the husband loading up the Uhaul this afternoon. I have very mixed feelings about it, obviously. But its all out of our hands now.
@mandypop: wow. I would have mixed feelings, too. Fear for her/relief that I don't have to hear it anymore. I hope she is safe and someday leaves.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| aussiebee | 10 |
| janetsnakehole | 8 |
| j_jaye | 5 |
| Rivendeler | 5 |
| simpleandchic | 4 |
| kat2014 | 4 |
| Scottish_lassie | 4 |
| MrsMSmith | 4 |
| Adalita | 4 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
