Domestic violence. Is my wife violent?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ryo:  She is violent, as far as I understand.

Would she agree to go to counceling? I would tell someone of great confidence, so you don’t have those issues you say about her lying about you being violent.

But, please, try to get some help! Don’t let this grow anymore!

Post # 4
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@ryo:  She sounds emotionally and physically abusive. I’ve been in a relationship where the guy started throwing things – not at me – but near me. It graduated to him holding me down and spitting in my face. He never hit me, but I consider his behavior violent. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

Blocking your way in and out of rooms is an agressive gesture. Women can be abusive to men. You should get yourself out of the situation before things get worse (and they will, trust me).

Post # 5
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Yes, she is violent i think her friend may be biased and or sexust, you shouldnt put up with that. Has she tried anger managment ?

Post # 6
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, that is violent behavior. 

If you’re not safe or don’t feel safe living with her, please try to get somewhere where you will be.  

This behavior is not healthy, so if you can safely get away from it, please do. 

Post # 7
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@ryo:  Sounds to me like your DW has very bad aggression and insecurities and is using you as an outlet. I would highly suggest marital counseling, anger management classes (maybe discuss in counseling?) or some sort of way for her to get her agression out such as boxing or yoga. 

I can’t judge on what your home-life is like and as to why your DW is taking her anger out on you or as to what is making her so angry but I do think you have some big flashing warning signs up that you can’t sweep under the rug.

I would demand counseling but in a way so that DW doesn’t feel cornered because her insecurities are going to push that anger forward and make her feel backed against a wall and needing to retaliate. Possibly confront her in a way such as “DW, I feel like you and I haven’t been eye to eye lately and we need to get back to the love we had. Do you think that you could agree to counseling so that we can work this out? I don’t want divorce to be in our future..etc”

Then in counseling you can bring up anger/aggression/insecurities (passive aggressive attempts to belittle you to make her feel better) and how to resolve these issues. Show her that you are on her side and you love her and want to get through this together.


Keep me posted. <3

Post # 8
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ryo:  This makes me so sad.  You definitely don’t deserve to be treated this way.  You may be stubborn and proud but that does NOT make her behavior okay!

Post # 10
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @ryo: I see you are NEW to WBee, so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Your Wife definitely has problems.

Anger issues, and it sounds to me as if she is emotionally and borderline physical abusive too (I say borderline cause she is “blocking” you… she hasn’t hit you, shoved, pushed, choked you etc todate, right ?)

She is throwing & breaking things that is intimidation…

She definitely has issues with power and being in charge… the “I am more talented / clever than you” are also tell tale signs

There are infact A LOT OF RED FLAGS HERE

And anyone who has been in an Abusive Relationship, or have experience with them will tell you this sounds very much like how they all begin (altho you didn’t mention any namecalling yet, that aslo is another tell)

She needs help… you both do.

I am going to say Marriage Counselling vs your out and out leaving, because at this point in time she is mostly hurting “the relationship” and herself… and not you.

Marriage Counselling is the place to start… someone needs to explain to her that her being out of control isn’t a good thing and it doesn’t bode well for the future of your marriage.

She needs to get all this under control…

BECAUSE if she doesn’t it will get progressively worse and worse

Abusers lose control and eventually cannot go backwards… they have to fix it when it is “young” or else they pretty much won’t be able to in time (has to do with their shame & self esteem)

So heed this…

DON’T DO WHAT I DID (I spent 20+ years in an abusive relationship that got progressively worse and worse)

Calmly tell her you are willing to work on this as a couple… and that you realize it will take time to work thru

Set a timeline…

I’d be generous give her a year… to work thru therapy… after that no more of these tantrums

The first one after a year’s time, and you are done.  Gone.

Hope this helps,

PS… This is not to say I CONDONE HER BEHAVIOUR… If she was to strike you at all, I’d say that would be my line in the sand, and she has overstepped the boundary !!  And I’d be done / gone.

My Ex-Hubby he went on like your wife is for several years, before he actually struck me… IF he had faced up to his problems (THEY HAVE TO DO THE WORK… YOU CANNOT DO IT FOR THEM… YOU CANNOT FIX THEM… THEY HAVE TO WANT TO FIX THEMSELVES) there might have been a chance he could have overcome it.  But by the time we went to counselling (when I found my voice… and spoke up) he was too far down the Rabbit Hole… beyond a point of sensible return.  I stayed cause we had little ones… and I thought I’d be able to help him cause afterall he was a good person, we just had this awful shameful secret.  Never could help him… he dug in deeper… and turned to booze to hide his loathing, low self-esteem, shame etc.  That just made him go from being an occasional abuser to an alcoholic who was abusive.  Nice combo.


Post # 12
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My Divorce was HELL !!

His Alcoholism was more frequent (worse ?) than his Abuse (cannot believe I’m actually saying that).

But the Alcoholism in a way was more predictable… the Abuse wasn’t.  So it was infrequent but way more terrifying.  I truly remember one fight where I thought to myself, if I stay here much longer one of these times one of us… is going to end up on the front page of the Newspaper.  Either cause he has gone too far and killed me… or I’ve defended myself and ended up killing him.

It was then that I drew a line in the sand.  I sat him down when he was sober and said…


He did, a few months later… when he was super drunk… he threw me up against a wall and choked me.  I got away.

We were done !!

(Well at least that got us to our Seperation… it was 2 more years till I filed for Divorce… and then he dragged that out for 5 out of spite / revenge.  He wanted me back, and I would not comply)

Ya the whole thing sucked… I wouldn’t wish Divorce on my worst enemy.

It left me broke & broken in soooo many ways.

I don’t recommend MY WAY to anyone living thru an Abusive Relationship.  My new rule is you lay a hand on me once, I’m done !!

Hope this helps,


Post # 14
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ryo:  Violence is not restricted to being beaten up. Emotional or verbal abuse can be just as damaging and it sounds like you are experiencing abuse.

Counselling could be a good idea, but it will only work if your wife acknowledges that her behaviour is unacceptable and wants to change. I was in an abusive relationship, and my ex could have attended counselling seven days a week and it would have done stuff all, because he genuinely believed he was in the right and I ‘deserved’ what I got from him. If your wife actually wants to change and learn some coping strategies to deal with her depression and anger, it could work, otherwise I would advise leaving for your own safety.

Post # 16
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Does your last post mean the relationship is over? I hope for your sake that it does.

Your wife has  mental health issues and I would be very worried about my safety if I were you. She nneds to see a professional and get the correct medication. If she refuses, as it sounds like she has and will again, I would leave the marriage.

Does she ever treat her child violently? I am worried for that boy. 🙁

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