(Closed) Domestic Violence Issues in FI’s family (sorry… a little long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
  • poll: Should we send a belated invite to FI's sister's husband? (please read for more context!)
    No, he shouldn't be invited : (16 votes)
    46 %
    Yes, invite him for FI's sister's sake : (15 votes)
    43 %
    Don't know, this is very difficult! : (4 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Hostess
    18646 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Wow this is so tough.  Unfortunately, it is up to her to leave the abusive relationship and no one is going to be able to force her to do so.  I think that you should only invite him if you can be sure that there isn’t going to be drama between him and other people at the wedding because of their rocky relationship.  You don’t want to deal with that on your wedding day and I doubt that his wife wants to deal with it right now either.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    One of the main strategies abusers have for maintaining control over their partners is by isolating them from any family and friends who could help them leave.  Your FI and his family need to be especially proactive about letting his sister know that they are always there for her, that she is valuable, that she deserves better, and that they will love her no matter what.  If you don’t invite him, what the abusive guy is going to try to do is use that to separate her from her family.  He’ll tell her “see, they don’t really want you there, or else they would have invited me.”  This guy will tell her that she has to choose between him and her family- which is the absolute last thing you want because if she loses contact with her family she’ll have a much harder time getting the resources and help she needs to leave him.  So basically, if you really think that he is an abuser, then I saw you should invite him if only to keep the relationship with the sister strong.  Her life could be at stake.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2765 posts
    Sugar bee

    Maybe you and your FI could see a counselor that specializes in domestic violence cases?  S/he could help you through the process from the outisde… and maybe give some insight into how an abuser and his/her partner thinks.

    What a difficult situation – so sorry to hear that your FI’s family is going through this!

    Post # 6
    Member
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    I would not send an invite to anyone who will cause a problem like that. There is no excuse at all for domestic violence (which also includes verbal/emotional abuse even if there is no physical violence) for that to take place. Your or your fiance needs to call the police asap to stop this and if that doesn’t work, then sneak her out of the house to a battered women’s shelter so that is she is protected from this. Once an abuser starts down their path, they don’t get off that track ever, and she could easily wind up dead or in the hospital at some point if no action is taken. If you or she doesn’t contact the police, no one else will. A counselor won’t be able to stop anything because they don’t have the legal capacity to do so, nor do abusers ever admit to their actions because their victims are always “at fault” in their minds and very few abusers are you able to spot by picking them out of a lineup because most are model citizens whom everyone around them thinks walks on water and “would never dream of doing such a thing” and that is why they are so dangerous because they no one believes they really exist.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I like Mr. Bee’s suggestion.  If you don’t know where to start, you could contact these people for some advice:  http://www.ndvh.org/ I’m sure they get family members calling for guidance all the time.

    Post # 8
    Member
    646 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I think I would invite him, and give her all of your love and support and make sure she knows that you love her and will always be there for her.  Not inviting him could make things a lot worse for her.  My father was very abusive towards me and my mom, and he frequently banned us from attending events without him, because he liked to exert control and attempt to isolate us from our friends and family.

    Also, I know he’s a total jerk and your FI’s sister deserves better, but it’s pretty rude to invite someone and not their husband, no matter what the situation.

    Post # 9
    Member
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    There are exceptions that can be made when inviting a couple depending on the circumstances and if one spouse is a danger to anyone around them, the exception can and should be made to not invite that single person. It is definitely not rude if it is for the reasoning of ensuring someone’s safety.

    Post # 10
    Member
    549 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I am a social worker, and work on a team for child welfare that deals specifically with domestic violence and I must agree with Greenleafmountain on this one!  He will use this as an opportunity to alienate her from the family further, and may be a perfect opportunity for him to utilize this and to CONVINCE her that he is right.  There is a fantastic book I recommend to a lot of the families I work with, called “No visible wounds” and it deals specifically with the emotional/mental games that abusers play.  I think, in this case, you need to send another invitation, or have FI call and try to talk to him (without apologizing) before the invitation gets to his sister… to avoid things getting really bad if it arrives a few days before his… because those few days, and the anger that may come out of that invitation could be lethal for his sister.  unfortunately, you can’t make her leave, and until she is ready, she won’t… and anyone trying to force her will only help her husband in his trek to make her life worse, but using the force as “proof” that her family doesn’t want what’s “best” for her, that he is “best” and knows her, and her wants, better than anyone else.  Good luck!  If you need any help, please feel free to PM me, I deal with this on a DAILY basis at work, and it’s never easy for any family to deal with!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1075 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I think for just this instance, you should invite them both.  I think that not inviting him will create a huge feud.  If he is in fact an abusive partner, he may take the “not being invited” anger out on his sister.  Also, like what GREENLEAFMOUNTAIN mentioned, he is going to use it to tear sister and family apart.  Most likely, he’ll threaten her if she goes with out him.  Then your brother wont have his sister at your wedding.  If she ends up going to the wedding without him, I’d hate to hear what would happen to her when she got home. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2186 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    honestly i would invite him, not for his sake but for FH sister’s sake. shes already got alot of stress going on obviously with a douche for a hubby – making her life harder by not inviting her hubby isnt helping matters.

    bottom line, while FH might not like it, its her decision to leave him or not. if she chooses to stay, the most he can do is be supportive of her and show that when the time comes he is there for her no matter what.

    i have been in a similar situation and the worst thing you can do is add to the tension between the FH sister and her hubby. if yall are lucky maybe he wont show. but if you keep making a stink about it, he might show up ANYWAY and make a scene.

    let her know you are in her corner and there for her, give her the resorces that are listed above, or avalon (a group i used to volunteer with) is also good – she needs options and resources, not judging and added stress.

    good luck – *sending happy peaceful vibes your way*

    Post # 14
    Member
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    Even if she does not want to file charges herself, the police need to know what is going on asap. Abuse never stops and it only escalates and gets worse. If no action is taken, it will get to the point where your fiance doesn’t have a sister anymore because she may wind up dead at her husband’s hands. Then you will wonder why you didn’t call earlier and take measures to prevent it. What is more important: his sister’s life or his sister’s trust?

    Post # 15
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I say deal with helping get him in therapy and her out of there and THEN worry about who to invite to the wedding…obviously you don’t invite someone who might try to hit your fiance!

     

    But seriously…they both need SERIOUS psychological help. Intervention, then wedding.

    Post # 16
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I want to say, sorry if I was abrupt. I’ve dealt with these issues in my family. If the wedding turns into a stressor for them…it will lead to more abuse.

    Best thing to do is get them apart while they both get psychological treatment, in my opinion.

     

    Good luck, and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this while planning your wedding!

    The topic ‘Domestic Violence Issues in FI’s family (sorry… a little long)’ is closed to new replies.

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