- 4 years ago
FI and I are about to send out our save-the-dates for our August wedding (yay!). However, I have a dilemma about not wanting to invite my step-mother’s mother to the wedding. Some background:
My parents divorced when I was 5, when my father cheated and left my mother for the woman he cheated with. He married this woman 4 years later and they had 2 children. I saw my father every other weekend, but never really felt welcome by his wife or her family. During the summers, we would spend time at my step mother’s parents’ country house, and I never felt welcome there. Her parents barely said hello to me. In fact, her mother once said that I should not stay in the same bedroom as them with their kids because I was not part of the family (“a family should sleep together…”). This left me on the sofa next to the dog. It is this comment that has stuck with me for years. That was the last time I went there.
When preparing the invite list, I knew I had to invite my step-mother. I did not want to invite any of her family except her brother’s ex-wife (sorry if this is complicated), who was always nice to me and spent time with me when we visited the country house.
I asked my father if he or his wife would be upset if I did not invite any of her family except the ex-sister-in-law. He said he expected I should invite my step-mother’s sister and mother (her father has passed), and that I should talk to his wife about this (which was unfair of him—the conversation should have been between us). I did speak to her, and she said she didn’t know if anyone would be upset, but expected that her mother and sister would go (as if they were already be invited, likely because my father told her they would be…)
A few weeks later, she sent the address of her mother and sister. I never definitively said yes to inviting them, and the more I think about it, I do not want to. My FI vehemently does not want my step-mother’s mother there because of the comment she made to me as a child (i.e. if family should stay together, and I am not family, then she should not be invited to the wedding).
I don’t know what to do. Part of me thinks it is harmless, but another part of me thinks why should I pay for this woman, who never cared for me and whom I haven’t spoken to in more than 15 years? It is my fault for not stepping up and saying no, but it is hard sometimes saying these things and my father doesn’t know this woman made this comment to me years ago and I don’t want to bring it up now.
I was thinking of not mailing step-mother’s mother and sister save-the-dates and telling my father that the guest list is bigger than we thought and we are unsure if we have room for the sister and mother (although, I would invite her ex-sister in law). I do not want to cause any drama before the wedding, so I don’t know if it’s better just to give her the invite. Any advice would be appreciated.