Post # 1
I don’t normally give shoutouts to books but I must say, I bought Don’t Bring Home a White Boy about two weeks ago and even though I’m only half way through I am completely loving it. Folman actually makes some very compelling arguments and even addresses alot of issues I’ve been dealing with:
First off, I love my FI to the depths of my soul and back, but I do feel awkward sometimes (and occasionally guilty!) about dating/marrying outside my race. I’m sure I’m not to only girl to get occasional stares and comments about how ‘a white man is too weak to handle a strong black woman’ <–the book brings this topic up too btw.
Because of the anxiety I’ve even been avoiding bringing my FH down to visit my extended family for fear of what they might say. I’ve already been labeled as “acting white” by my various cousins so bringing home my white fiance would just be more ammunition for them.
Well whatever your back-story, if you are a black woman who’s even remotely nervous about being with someone outside your race – I highly recommend this book!
Post # 3
Interesting, I’ll have to check that out even though I was in the opposite situation. It sounds very informative. I wonder if there’s a book called Don’t Bring Home a Black Boy? Hope you continue coping well with your interracial relationship!
Post # 4
@MadameLady: I don’t know if your situation will be the same, but I used to get those comments all the time about “acting white” because of the way I speak and the music I listen to. When my SO and I started dating, I wondered how my family would react to it. They didn’t. He came with me to visit my grandmother with much of my family around and they loved him because, well, I loved him. All they wanted to do was feed him and make him feel like part of the family.
Post # 5
I just read this book on my nook!LOL I wouldn’t worry about the comments. They may not say anything to you. I hope everything goes well.
Post # 6
@CapeBoundBride: LoL.. I got the “acting white” or “talkin white” comments also. It’s so ignorant. I speak correct English.. so that makes me not “black” enough?? Oookay. LoL. I also listen to a variety of music that provided a bit more ammunition for the “acting white” comments. I didn’t care though… still don’t.
MrFoxxy is black, but my first boyfriend was white and the one after him was biracial (black/white). I’ve gotten the stares and comments… I would love to read the book suggested by this thread, though– even though I’m no longer in an interracial relationship.
Post # 7
I read this book a few months ago – really good read!
Post # 8
Sounds really interesting, I may check it out when I get a chance.
When I started dating my FI, I didn’t really know what to expect from my family or his family. Both of us have dated interracially before, so it wasn’t “new” to either of us, but dating is one thing, getting married is another. And I wasn’t sure how extended family would react. Even though we’re both from the Midwest (he from Ohio and I from Michigan), our families are both rooted in the South, so our older relatives grew up in places like Kentucky, Mississippi, and Alabama. And at least on my dad’s side of my family, there are no interracial couples. There is one in my FI’s small family (a cousin who is kind of a “black sheep” in the family due to other personal issues), and many on my mom’s side, but none that are WM/BF.
The most surprising thing to me is that from his family and my family (even extended), there was no problem at all. All have been very excited and supportive…his family accepted me into the fold like family, and my family has done the same with him. So on that front I ended up having nothing to worry about.
However, we did find that a few of our friends weren’t as supportive as we hoped. That I didn’t expect, and I don’t think he did either, so that caught us a little off-guard. As for strangers…it seems that things are a little different than when I dated my first boyfriend (also white) over ten years ago. Maybe it’s also because interracial relationships are pretty common where I live.
@MadameLady: I have gotten the “acting white” comments all my life for much the same reasons but never from my family though, so that has to really suck. It’s ignorant, and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. I hope it all works out well for you and your FI.
Post # 9
I get the “acting/talking white” comments all the time, but from people outside my family. My mothers side of the family is so mixed, it doesn’t phase them that I have dated mostly white men. My family loves my FH.
Now, my dad’s side is a different story. My FH actually met my father when he was still alive when we were 18. I think my father finally accepted the fact that I was attracted to white men when I was in high school. He always told my mom, “she gets it from your family.”
We get crazy looks in public from black males. It’s kind of amusing though.
Post # 10
i totally want to read this book!! it sounds like it expresses things i’ve been wanting to say and dealing with my whole life!
for some reason, at least in my experience, being educated translates into “acting white”. ugh. drives me crazy! literally since i can remember, i was always stared at, made fun of and chastised by my black peers because i wasn’t enough like them. i go into a tyrade about social construction and acculturation and why people turn out the way they do. but the reality is that just because you were raised in a certain kind of environment, it doesn’t make you any more or less “authentic” than another person, which, if people actually came to this realization, we’d be living in a better world. i digress…
i am ending up marrying a caucasian man, but have literally dated EV-RY-THING in my adult life! it was never about feeling or not feeling an affinity for a certain race – it always came down to whomever i felt compatible with, primarily intellectually. the irony in my situation is that i met m FH on Craigslist (of all places), and i didn’t have any requests or expectations – he just happened to be the best person to repsond, and who i felt had a lot in common with me. we never even exchanged pictures before we met – only descriptions. and here we are, almost 5.5 yrs later and about to get married. i have yet to encounter any bad feelings from his family and in fact they think us getting married is the best thing since sliced bread, and i’ve met most of his family at this point. both of my FH’s sisters (both younger than him) are already married, one to a man born in chile (but adopted as a toddler) and the other to a turkish man, so i guess my FH’s choice in a life partner was to be expected. i was, however, extremely nervous and apprehensive about introducing my FH to my side. my mom, though she has dated caucasian men and men of other races, ultimately only wants to be with a black man. fine – that’s a personal choice. but i am only in touch with and know my mom’s side of the family, all of whom are from rural North Carolina and probably don’t commingle with caucasian people in general all that often to begin with. but i happened to be in the area for a wedding a couple of years ago and took the opportunity to go visit and show my FH where my grandmother grew up and introduce him to the extended family (mostly my grandmother’s cousins who are all little old ladies now). i was pretty impressed that there didn’t seem to be any dissent or awkward stares or whispering behind our backs. everyone welcomed my FH warmly, albeit they have no way of understanding what he does for a living, which made for funny conversations – he works on internet-based software & applications, something i actually understand but only b/c i’ve used the technology. there are other friends of my family who weren’t so supportive, but i haven’t let it get to me. i couldn’t be happier to be marrying my FH, and either people will support that or not and it they don’t, it’s not my problem.
but i’m glad people are finally starting to talk about it and write books about it. and post about it here on the bee! thanks ladies for sharing!
Post # 11
Im dating outside my race as well (I am east indian, my SO is white with british and dutch ancestry). I love him to death and so does my family- I have never dated a brown male before, and well I just have always been attracted to men of a different race- it makes me happy to know that I have such an accepting family.
This is also the first relationship I have had where I havent experienced the looks and what not from other east indians. Maybe things are finally changing in my community for things to be more accepting? I dunno, though I do wonder if there are any books out there about this in the indian community actually. Now Im curious 😛
Post # 12
I get the acting white all the time. My FI is mexican and we still get looks. A lot of his friends are like “how did you get a black girl?” or the usual comments. Ugh. Annoying!
Post # 13
Interesting. I must look into this book myself.
Post # 14
I don’t feel strange being with my FI (I’m white and he’s Asian/White), but I know that when I bring him back home with me he does get some funny looks because where I’m from you don’t really get many Asian people.
Post # 15
I’m from a mixed family (white mother, african father) and would therefore expect a tolerant attitude regarding my choice of partner. My fiancé is white and a few years younger than I, but that is apparently ok. The “problem” stems from our different social backgrounds: I am middleclass, while he is an aristocrat with a title and heir to an estate. My mother has mixed feeling about this – it’s obvious to her that he is a decent, hardworking, loyal and loving man, yet she makes silly “jokes” about upper class traits, implying that they are all decadent, snobby, cold, spoilt, etc etc. This annoys me enormously, as my fiancé and his relatives are the exact opposite. She also complains that I have become bourgeois since I met my fiancé and will become even more so when we marry as I will then become a baroness. Well, excuse me, I never asked for any of this! I fell in love with the man, not his title. I feel so disappointed that my mother, who had to put up with some racism when she married my father, is now being classist. I’d love to get my hands on a book called “Don’t bring home an aristocrat”!
Post # 16
@MadameLady: I’ve heard those comments all my life and now I am marryinlg a white man as well. I know what you mean about visiting extended family. I’m thinking twice just about inviting them to the wedding so my perfect day won’t be ruined with their prejudice comments. Thanks for the book suggestion. I’m headed to the amazon site now to get it on my kindle.