Don't come if you don't want to go or be quiet- Rant/Vent

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

if he didnt want to go he just shouldn’t have. plain and simple. But i can tell you that the only people who enjoy wedding related festivities are the bride, groom and close family. 

Post # 3
2173 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Swizzle:  Disagreed- I enjoy some wedding related activities even if I’m not the bride or close family member.


Misswhowedding:  I would honestly just say to them, “George, if you don’t think it will be fun for you, that’s ok- we understand if you choose not to come.”  And leave it at that.

Post # 4
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Misswhowedding:  The problem is that courtesy is disappearing everywhere, so it may be futile to expect in in regard to wedding planning.

I do agree with you. If you don’t want to come, but have decided to attend, we don’t need to hear about your angst. Accept or decline, but don’t inflict your negativity on anyone else.

Post # 5
4964 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Misswhowedding:  I just had dinner with a friend of mine who is not a bridesmaid. She just got engaged and doesn’t want a bridal shower. She went on and on and on about how awful bridal showers are, how no one likes them, how she hates to attend them, etc. I didn’t know what to say – the invites to mine just went out. Now if she comes, I’m going to think about how she absolutely hates them the entire time. Id much prefer someone just decline than say, “well this is really going to cost me a lot of money but I guess I can go”.

Post # 6
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I probably would have said exactly what you were thinking… People can be such jerks. When I first started reading I thought you were going to go into a list of like 15 activities but three?? And those are pretty standard… I don’t get it. 

Post # 8
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Swizzle:  I also disagree. I love a celebration! And food! And improv! 


Misswhowedding:  I think sometimes people don’t realize their words have an effect. I agree with @Apple_Blossom here – make a point to say “If you don’t want to go, that’s totally okay – we understand if you don’t go.”

But really….people should just either can it and go or can it and politefully decline. I don’t understand when people say yes, mean no, and put all that negativity back onto those who invited them or who is being honored by the event. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to make everyone’s night icky. 

Post # 10
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Swizzle:  I beg to differ.

I am one of those people who will usually be overjoyed to attend, celebrate, or otherwise honor my friends’ life-changing moments, be they birthdays, babies, graduation, or weddings.

I don’t quite understand the need for people to rain on the parade if they just don’t want to go.

Post # 11
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Misswhowedding:  is it a money thing or does he just have seriously lame “friends”?!?!

Post # 13
6692 posts
Bee Keeper

They were totally wrong to respond that way. Feeling disinterested or even put upon is no way an excuse for  expressing it to the guest of honor.  While some people are always up for a good time no matter what,  the ambivalence you are experiencing may be due to a sense of obligation to participate in optional activities and pay for your FI on top of that. Do you know how much of FI’s costs are being covered?

There can also be frustration  if there are  multiple or expensive pre-wedding events and people are feeling pushed  to attend by others, not necessarily you. And of course, some people are suspicious of B parties and consider the majority of them sexist and crass in nature. None of this is an excuse for open-mouth-disease,  though. These people should just  RSVP they can’t make it. 

Post # 14
1971 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I’m so, so sorry that you’re having to deal with this.  I think that in all the etiquette furor about host duties, the idea of guest duties gets overlooked.  To my mind, the guest’s paramount duty is to be properly sociable: no negativity that will worry the host, no nastiness that will make other guests want to get away, etc. 

I think this just emphasizes why guests should ONLY “accept with pleasure” or “decline with regret” and why hosts must control their curiosity and never, ever demand to know the reasoning behind someone’s RSVP, even if unexpected.  (OK, so if your mother says she’s not coming then there probably needs to be a conversation…but your good friend from college who you still communicate with regularly but don’t see too often?  Leave it alone.)

It’s always a good idea to read weddingmaven’s posts with care, and it may be worth making sure that your friends aren’t getting pressure from some unknown source that would make them grouchy, but…

Post # 15
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

That’s really crappy. Sorry that some people are like that. My sister in law complained constantly and harrassed me about everything. Finally I told her just don’t come. She didn’t show up to any pre-wedding activities (shower, bachelorette, rehearsal) and I am so glad that she didn’t. They were so much better without her negativity.

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