Post # 1
This is mostly a vent. I’m not looking for advice, but maybe some commiseration from someone else with similar experiences?
With wedding activities that we are inviting our wedding party too (inviting, not demanding) we are getting a lot of… well for like of better term, whining. It basically ammounts too “I don’t want to go, but I’m going to do it anyway,” for various reasons. I’m getting really sick of hearing it. Neither my FI or myself are making any demands for people to attend. We are very big “This is an invitation, not a summons” people. No guilt tripping “We would do it for you” even. When people honestly tell us they can’t attend, we say “I’m sorry to hear that.” We aren’t going overboard with the activities, a bachlor party for him (dinner, bars, casino in our home town) Bachlorett party for me (dinner, bars, improve group) And a couple’s shower thrown by friends of FIL’s.
So, with FI’s bachlor party coming up this weekend, one of the guys who I work with and talk to on a regular basis was complaining about how disappointed he was that he had to give up his weekly hobby to attend. Another has pretty much made it clear he is going, but not planning on having any fun. I was this close to just telling them both “Don’t go. Don’t ruin my FI’s night by not having fun with him.”
There are a lot of activities that I don’t want to go to that I pass on. There are others that I go to out of love for the person, and I zip my lip about how much I don’t want to be there. If I do complain, its maybe to my FI in the privacy of our home. I have one girl who I put up with solely because I like her husband. I went to her shower even though it was not on my top ten things to do. I never told her hubby or her how much I didn’t want to go. Can I please get the same courtesy for my wedding?
Post # 2
if he didnt want to go he just shouldn’t have. plain and simple. But i can tell you that the only people who enjoy wedding related festivities are the bride, groom and close family.
Post # 3
Swizzle: Disagreed- I enjoy some wedding related activities even if I’m not the bride or close family member.
Misswhowedding: I would honestly just say to them, “George, if you don’t think it will be fun for you, that’s ok- we understand if you choose not to come.” And leave it at that.
Post # 4
Misswhowedding: The problem is that courtesy is disappearing everywhere, so it may be futile to expect in in regard to wedding planning.
I do agree with you. If you don’t want to come, but have decided to attend, we don’t need to hear about your angst. Accept or decline, but don’t inflict your negativity on anyone else.
Post # 5
Misswhowedding: I just had dinner with a friend of mine who is not a bridesmaid. She just got engaged and doesn’t want a bridal shower. She went on and on and on about how awful bridal showers are, how no one likes them, how she hates to attend them, etc. I didn’t know what to say – the invites to mine just went out. Now if she comes, I’m going to think about how she absolutely hates them the entire time. Id much prefer someone just decline than say, “well this is really going to cost me a lot of money but I guess I can go”.
Post # 6
I probably would have said exactly what you were thinking… People can be such jerks. When I first started reading I thought you were going to go into a list of like 15 activities but three?? And those are pretty standard… I don’t get it.
Post # 7
Swizzle: To be honest, it’s dinner and the bars in the town that we all live in. It’s something people do on a Saturday night anyway. If it didn’t have the words “bachlor party” tied to it, I think this friend wouldn’t go, and thats fine.
I do get that no one is as excited about your wedding as you are, but I think it is also wrong to say that no one enjoys wedding related activities. I am the type of person that looks forward to going to showers and friend’s weddings. Maybe a few I go to out of courtesy to other people, but my friend’s bachlorett party was one of the best times I had in a long time.
Post # 8
Swizzle: I also disagree. I love a celebration! And food! And improv!
Misswhowedding: I think sometimes people don’t realize their words have an effect. I agree with @Apple_Blossom here – make a point to say “If you don’t want to go, that’s totally okay – we understand if you don’t go.”
But really….people should just either can it and go or can it and politefully decline. I don’t understand when people say yes, mean no, and put all that negativity back onto those who invited them or who is being honored by the event. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to make everyone’s night icky.
Post # 9
CaboBride2015: I don’t think I could do 15 activities around my wedding! Planning the wedding keeps me busy enough. I have seen those brides and I just wonder how in the world they can do it.
Post # 10
Swizzle: I beg to differ.
I am one of those people who will usually be overjoyed to attend, celebrate, or otherwise honor my friends’ life-changing moments, be they birthdays, babies, graduation, or weddings.
I don’t quite understand the need for people to rain on the parade if they just don’t want to go.
Post # 11
Misswhowedding: is it a money thing or does he just have seriously lame “friends”?!?!
Post # 12
MrsWBS: If they want to do it on the cheep, it can cost around $15 for the night (if you were paying for just dinner) Now, more money can be spent for sure (buying more drinks, more gambeling, paying for a hotel room to crash at at the casino) but those are all optional expenses. I think the BM is asking for some money to cover my FI for the night.
Post # 13
They were totally wrong to respond that way. Feeling disinterested or even put upon is no way an excuse for expressing it to the guest of honor. While some people are always up for a good time no matter what, the ambivalence you are experiencing may be due to a sense of obligation to participate in optional activities and pay for your FI on top of that. Do you know how much of FI’s costs are being covered?
There can also be frustration if there are multiple or expensive pre-wedding events and people are feeling pushed to attend by others, not necessarily you. And of course, some people are suspicious of B parties and consider the majority of them sexist and crass in nature. None of this is an excuse for open-mouth-disease, though. These people should just RSVP they can’t make it.
Post # 14
OP, I’m so, so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. I think that in all the etiquette furor about host duties, the idea of guest duties gets overlooked. To my mind, the guest’s paramount duty is to be properly sociable: no negativity that will worry the host, no nastiness that will make other guests want to get away, etc.
I think this just emphasizes why guests should ONLY “accept with pleasure” or “decline with regret” and why hosts must control their curiosity and never, ever demand to know the reasoning behind someone’s RSVP, even if unexpected. (OK, so if your mother says she’s not coming then there probably needs to be a conversation…but your good friend from college who you still communicate with regularly but don’t see too often? Leave it alone.)
It’s always a good idea to read weddingmaven’s posts with care, and it may be worth making sure that your friends aren’t getting pressure from some unknown source that would make them grouchy, but…
Post # 15
That’s really crappy. Sorry that some people are like that. My sister in law complained constantly and harrassed me about everything. Finally I told her just don’t come. She didn’t show up to any pre-wedding activities (shower, bachelorette, rehearsal) and I am so glad that she didn’t. They were so much better without her negativity.