(Closed) Don't feel anything

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

*Hugs* This seems like a really crappy situation to be in.. I definitely feel for you 🙁

You don’t want us to tell you not to marry the guy if you’re not in love… but I am not sure what else to suggest.

Maybe to be fair to HIM, you should evaluate this relationship before you get hitched. What happens if you marry him, have a kid or 2, and things just aren’t working? Do you want to go the rest of your life without feeling anything? Is that fair to you, him, your future kids?

My coworker was in a similar situation, and she ended up buying a house w. the guy, moving in… and they broke up because it was obvious she just didn’t love him. She always said he was mature, stable, etc… the opposite of her ex that she had passion with… but pretty soon all his little habits grated on her, and their last year together was totally miserable.

I just think that you deserve better, and he deserves better. I think therapy might be a good idea… just to sort of talk the situation out with a trained professional. I am not saying that you need to end this relationship right away, but you need to be honest with yourself. Don’t cheat yourself.

I really hope you figure this out 🙁 Good luck to you!

Post # 5
Member
11287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

it sounds like you haven’t had proper closure from your last breakup.  i think you need to accept it before you can accept anyone else in your life.  are you happy with yourself overall?

it may not be a bad idea to speak to someone about what you can do to open up your heart again.

have you considered that perhaps you don’t feel “in love” because you are not in love.

i wish you luck.

Post # 7
Member
5985 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@canarydiamond:  I agree completely.

Speaking from experience, as I’m going through some major marital issues right now, I would like to remind you to be true to yourself about your level of happiness and what you desire in a relationship.  My counselor recently recommended a book called, “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay”. It’s a great book that guides you through the decision making process.  It’s helped me a lot and I would highly advise you to read it.  You don’t want to go into marriage with this doubtful feeling.  You need to be certain. (And your FI deserves that as well).  I also would recommend that you go into counseling for yourself.  Maybe you have put up a barrier that will not allow you to love the way you once did in order to protect your heart from pain?  Just my two cents.  Please feel free to pm me, if you want.  Hugs! 

Post # 10
Member
5985 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@anonybee90:  We BEES have to take care of eachother!  Wink

Post # 11
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know counseling gets thrown around a lot on these boards, but I do think it has it’s place and it would probably benefit you.  I don’t think it would necessarily take many sessions as it seems to be one particular issue, not a longstanding problem going back to childhood.  A big heartbreak shouldn’t be underestimated, and it certainly could be a cause for why you haven’t allowed yourself to feel the “rush” and excitement of a new love since your last big breakup.

Obviously you had no closure on the last relationship, and add in the fact that you’re probably very protective of ever putting yourself in that situation again, and it makes sense how you’re feeling now about your current relationship.  Good luck, and I hope you’re able to get things sorted out soon.

Post # 12
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

To me, it sounds like you have a wall up and might be a little depressed. I only say this because after my grandma died, I stopped feeling pretty much anything. I wasn’t excited for years and kind of just went through the motions of everything up until recently. I remember the first time I was actually happy and excited for a holiday…it took me years. I agree with MadameTussaud that therapy could help you a lot. I think before you’ll feel anything for anyone, you need to learn to trust men again. It really sucks that your ex just ran out on you, and if that happened to me, I know I’d have a giant wall up and wouldn’t trust men anymore. 

Post # 13
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I felt really moved by your story because, well, I’ve felt similar to you. I had many objectively, on-paper “perfect” men pursue me through my 20s: good father material, attractive, stable, similar values….but I didn’t feel it. There was always something I found wrong with them (usually something very small; all of these guys have gotten married afterwards at some point to lovely women). It’s embarassing and kind of sad to admit.

My sister even said that she thought there might be “something wrong with me.” However, all of this happened after a couple of very severe heart-breaks for me.

I don’t know a solution to your particular situation. However, I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you talked about being afraid to let someone in. I think we call it “falling in love” because we allow ourselves to “fall”. When you’ve been severely hurt (like you have, and like I have been), a deep fear of falling in love can masquerade as “not interested”. It is really difficult to open our hearts again sometimes even if we want to.

Anyways, I’m sorry that I can’t really give you any more particular advice for your situation. I just feel for you and totally empathize, and look forward to reading what others write.

Post # 15
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I am a single mom to two amazing children. I married their father for two reasons: I didn’t dislike him and I was ready to start a family. My ex is kind but completely immature and not motivated to do better for himself. We were not a good match but we never fought and I did care about him and intend to fulfill my vows. Unfortunately it turned out to not be enough to keep us together and I was forced to decide between having an intact family and supporting my ex (he refuses to hold a job for more than a year at a time) or trying to start over and show my kids how wonderful life can be. Now I am with my SO and finally feel like everything in my life has come together. Hindsight is surely 20/20 and I wouldn’t change having my children when I did but having to say goodbye to my kids two days a week breaks my heart every time it doesn’t get easier. On the other hand, without having made my mistakes would I be able to realize how amazing what I have now with my current SO is? Not sure if this is helpful, there are things about our situations that are different but that’s my story 🙂 Best of luck to you! 

Post # 16
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@fullyalive:  Yes I get this too.  I was in a bad emotionally abusive relationship and after it I closed off my heart almost completely.  He had taken advantage of me in every way possible and I had allowed him to do that because I cared for him.  I didn’t ever want that to happen to me again.  I got involved with someone possibly too quickly after it ended and that turned into a train wreck.

I didn’t want to “date him” because I knew I was going to get hurt we are in this “sort of” relationship that turned ugly.  I think sexually is where I closed myself off even more, I barely felt any connection to it at all on the emotional level.  I wouldn’t even allow myself to climax.

I ended up going to counseling because I realized that something was off.  I decided to be single but met someone who wanted to date me.  I “sort of” dated him too, it kind of just happened, but really felt nothing toward him on top of that there was no sex in this relationship as he was still a virgin.  I tried to break up with him several times but he kept saying to give it another chance and it might be my previous issues that we’re holding me back. It was odd because other men pursued me but I turned them down in favor for this guy I wasn’t even attracted to.  I guess I didn’t want to hurt him or something.  It finally ended one night when I got drunk and made out with one of his acquaintances.

Right after that I ended up falling into a casual sexual relationship with train wreck guy.  After I went to counseling I had a lot of what ifs swirling in my head about him.  Like what if you had met him later or after counseling, would the relationship had been better? I had also kept the lines of communication open with him because I owed him money and was repaying him.  Also I guess it was just easier than trying to find someone else.  I had been hurt and then I turned around and hurt someone else.  I felt awful but I still wanted some sort of companionship.  After a few years of train wreck guy I decided to break if off, it wasn’t going anywhere and we were both putting off having meaningful relationships outside of our arrangement.  We weren’t doing ourselves any favors and we weren’t happy with one another outside of the sex and even that was starting to bore me since it was purely sexual with no emotional connection at all.

Almost a month after I broke things off with train wreck guy I met FI and we have been together ever since.  When he came around he was supposed to be a fling, and I for whatever reason decided to just be myself with him to let down all the walls, emotional sexual and otherwise.  He ended up falling for me and I went along with it, this time though the feelings did develop because I had starting off on honest footing and I had nothing to hold me back from “falling.”  It didn’t feel like I was giving up control to someone like I had before, felt like I was sharing myself with someone who loved and respected me.  I think that by closing off the relationship with train wreck guy and clearly defining it as just purely friendship I was able to get closure from him and the relationship I was in before him.  Train wreck guy and I are still friends and yea I guess it can be awkward at times but there is no more wondering about him.  He and I are not meant to be.  FI and I are. 

The whole point of this long convoluted story is I think that even though you took time for yourself after the end of your relationship it did still continue to affect you.  It’s sort of like you are living in the shadow of it still, and him still being in the picture has not helped you to be able to shake that feeling.  Even though you have an FI, the old guy is still there in the shadows with all your old feelings just sort of lying there under the surface.  As others have stated I think counseling is now a good idea so that you can address these feelings, you don’t want them lurking there dictating how your love life runs. 

That doesn’t mean that you don’t actually love your FI but I don’t think you’ll ever truly know until you sort out what happened to you with this guy.  You need to get a real ending from your last relationship in order to let go and “fall” into the new one.  I get your biological needs but emotional issues like this really need to be addressed before having children, you wouldn’t want this deficiency to affect how much you love him which in turn could affect how you show affection to and care for your children.  You still have time to have children, taking a few months in counseling to sort out these feelings could make the difference in figuring out how the next few years will go for you.

If you are able to sort things out you can discover if you do truly love your FI or not and proceed accordingly, if it turns out you don’t then that is okay you will find someone else.  And there are plenty of options for motherhood including one that doesn’t involve a man at all.

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