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How about you walk yourself down the aisle or have your groom walk down the aisle? This way- it will look like you're just doing something untraditional and not shunning your Dad.
I get where you're coming from, but at the same time you don't want to do something that makes YOU uncomfortable.
I hope you get some good ideas on this thread. *HUGS
I think you should do whatever you want to do! Im not having my dad walk me because to me it would just be weird, I love my dad but we are just not like that. (when he visits his mom he only lets her kiss his hand!) And we are also not doing any dances!
I am having my mom walk my down the aisle because I feel she has been the most important and supportive person in my life. My dad and stepdad are walking side by side in the family's procession. My dad hasn't said anything about it (becasue he is passive aggressive) but I know he's upset. Though honestly, I don't care because just like you I have a shitty relationship with him. If he confronted me about it I would say that to me the tradition of walking a bride down the aisle is about support, not patriarchy, and as a supportive role my mom takes the cake.
I have a terrible relationship with my father, so I chose to walk myself down the aisle. Best. Decision. Ever.
My father was so angry about this that he chose not to come to the wedding, and basically disowned me. But that just made me realize that I made the right decision. It was wonderful walking confidently towards my husband, on my own.
I too think that you should choose to do whatever makes YOU the most happy. I think having your mother or sister walk you down the aisle would be beautiful as would walking down by yourself. If your father complains tell him that this is just how your family is right now. Ok don't do that, but you get the picture!
Though I haven't been married yet or seen the situation you describe, I say go for it! It seems like sticking with wedding traditions is not a good plan if they don't feel like a good fit for you. I think the wedding day is a day for you and your soon to be life partner to have things done in such a way that feels right and comfortable for YOU, not for what tradition dictates or whatever. I think having your sister walk you down the aisle is a wonderful idea, if nothing else because it will be so much more meaningful and special to you.
I asked my brother to do it, because I am in the same situation, but he said he would feel awkward. My problem was I didn't know if dad would even show up because he missed both my graduations but never told me if he would or wouldnt come. So, the way I handled it, even though we have our problems, and I also caught him cheating (after my mom had, thank god) Anyway, because my brother didn't want to make my dad feel bad, I opted to just ask my father if he wanted a tux, so I would know if he was coming or not, and now that I have and have asked him to walk me down, he has become a lot more involved in planning, and may actually contribute-- ha!
To honor my mother however, we have a nod to our moms in the ceremony, and not our fathers.
Why would you even consider letting him? Have your Mom walk you, or walk yourself! He doesn't deserve the honor.
:)
my SIL had her mom walk her down the aisle, and it was beautiful! not a dry eye in the place. A wedding is as unique as you are and anyone who knows and loves you will not give you a weird stare as youre walking down the aisle no matter who you are walking with.
I say only do what you want to, (skip the dance if you like) but tell him ahead of time and if he asks why i would tell him.
Good call on calling out your Dad though, it sounds like he needed to hear it and I think you did a good thing by standing up for you and your sister.
Wow, that sounded almost exactly like my relationship with my dad, caught him cheating on my mom after they were married for 25 years online as well. My dad and I have both worked really hard to reestablish the relationship in the last few years, which has been challanging. I am sorry things havn't worked out as well with your dad. If he was involved when you were younger, and a good dad, I would still say have him walk you down the aisle, providing you have a good heart to heart over how his current actions are making you feel.
Hey there,
I am in a very similar situation. Although my dad is not quite as badly behaved as yours, I have serious issues with being close to him emotionally. This tradition just rubbed me the wrong way and I too worried about the social fallout. After much hemming and hawing I wrote a letter to my parents (for me an easier way to communicate) letting them know that I wanted to walk down the aisle by myself. I told them that for me the tradition didn't make much sense and I didn't want to support it or do something that felt dishonest. It's important to me that those moments travelling down the aisle feel true- it is how I'm "entering" the marriage. I'm sure he's hurt, but it was either going to be me or him. I chose me. I will be walking down the aisle to Nina Simone and owning every second of it. If anyone asks (and I'm sure they will- nosy little buggers), I'll tell them that I'm not a goat and I don't need to be walked anywhere or handed over to anyone.* Good luck!
*This is in no way meant to offend anyone taking part in this tradition- just a means of diversion for rude busybodies.
I'm there with you! I've decided to have my mom and my dad walk me down the aisle. My mom, because she's my bestfriend, and I probably wouldn't have survived my dad with out her. My dad, because, well, it's my wedding. I don't want to look back in 30 or 40 years when I'm burying my dad and say "Wow, I really wish he'd have walked me down the aisle". It took me months if not years to decide this. In the end it has to be your decision. What will you be happy with the day of, in 5 years, in 20 years? Any choice you make will be the right one, just trust yourself.
Oh, and as for the dance song? How about "Father of Mine" by Everclear? I thought about that one for way too long. Still consider it 4 days out of the week :-)
If you feel more comfortable with your mom or sister or anyone else escorting you down the aisle, then do that. Do not ask your father out of obligation because everyone else does it, especially if you do not have a relationship with him. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of your choice.
I think you need to do whatever makes you most comfortable. You can't worry about hurting your dad..
I'm so sorry for the heartbreak your father has caused you over the years. I hope as you begin your new life with your husband, the pain lessens and things start to heal.
I don't think you need to follow tradition with this issue. If your father hasn't taken the time or the effort to be a part of your life and fufill the duties as a husband(when your parents were married) and father, then he has not earned the right to walk you down the aisle.
If you have a best guy friend, a grandfather who you're close to, maybe ask them for the honor? if not, then having your sister or mother is a beautiful idea :)
Best of luck to you, and don't let it ruin your special day :)
-Hope
I wasnt sure if my dad was going to be able to walk me down cuz he just got knee surgery so i was going to walk down myself because i didnt want anyone to take his place. But he ended up recovering really well.
PS Im sorry that your relationship with your dad isnt that great.
But I agree with those who say walk down by yourself if your ok with that or have your groom meet you half way maybe?
At this point I'm fairly confident that my father isn't coming and isn't going to be involved in our lives but even if he was I wasn't going to let him "give me away" I too have had a rocky relationship with my father for a good part of my adult life and honestly I feel like that's made me a stronger independent person. My mom is marrying us so she can't walk with me and my brother feels uncomfortable in the spot light so he won't do it either. I'm gonna walk by myself and spend the few seconds by myself thinking about the strong person that all of the negative things in life have forced me to be. After all if it wasn't for the things my father has put me thru I wouldn't be half the person I am today.
My father is not invited to my wedding for a variety of reasons, so obviously he will not walk me down the aisle. I would love for my mother to do it, but she doesn't like being the center of attention, so instead I have chosen my grandfather because my grandparents were essential in raising me and I think it would mean the world to him to do so.
I say that, of all days, your wedding day should be one day where you are definitely true to yourself. Don't do any 'tradition' that feels dishonest to you. Whether that means you walk down the aisle with your sister, your mother, or on your own (which I think the symbolism behind any of those choices is beautiful, btw), do what feels right to you.
I can't blame you for not wanting to do the dance with him. I'm not sure how your FI feels about the mother/son dance, but perhaps you could forego the formal parent dances all together and just have the husband/wife dance and then later on, he could dance with his mother.
Just wanted to say thank you to all of the "bees" who have responded to my post. As an update, my sister and mother are throwing FH & me an engagement party. My father doesn't know if he'll make it since he may be taking a "family" weekend away.
I feel much more empowered in my decision, not only because he continues to hurt my feelings by not being a part of our lives, but because all of you have given me such great support and feedback. Thank you so much!
Do what you want!
I am perfectly cordial with my father, but I don't have an amazing (or even great) relationship with him. I've always been an independent sort to begin with. I'm walking myself down the aisle. :)
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I know that everyone will say that it's our day and we should do what we feel is appropriate, but here's my situation:
Dad cheated on my mom after 25 years of marriage. I caught him via email/ the internet... We hadn't spoken in a long time and tried to patch things up to establish a decent father/daughter relationship, but it never seems to work. It seems like everytime he has a new woman in his life, he forgets about my sister and I. He'd make plans and bail continuously.
My FH and I bought a house and we have invited him and his current gf over at least 6 times, but he bails every time... all bc of his gf's daughter's dance classes. (She's 17...) His excuse was that this is "just how his family is right now." I'm horribly offended that the daughter of his gf is taking precedence over my sister and I and I really don't want him to walk me down the aisle...
I know this will spark big controversy, but I haven't spoken to him in 2 months bc of the last time he bailed and I finally called him on it... I barely called him to tell him we had gotten engaged, and that was a 0.5 minute "congratulations" and then silence. I was thinking about having someone else walk me down the aisle, but I have no brothers. I have a stepfather that I get along with, but I don't know... My sister will be my MOH and I was thinking of doing a very non-traditional having her walk me down the aisle and give her the honor. Seems like we've been through so much together even though she's closer to him than I.
At this point, I don't even want to dance with him at the wedding. I keep trying to thing of a song that would fit how many pieces he's caused our lives to be in, but that's no good for a happy event!
He paid for my sister's dress, but has made no offers to do anything for our wedding. We actually have no desire for him to help out so that we'd feel obligated.
Has anyone else had their sister or mother walk them down the aisle? Did it cause weird stares? Did the father get really angry?