Post # 1
I have been lurking on WeddingBee quite a bit over the past year, resisting joining in the hopes that I could just eventually post in the “just engaged”. Sadly I don’t think this is going to happen for me.
My SO and I have known eachother since 7th grade. We briefly dated, which at that time equated to holding hands. We went to different high schools and didn’t cross paths again until we were freshmen in college. I went to a friend’s birthday party and bam, he was there and my heart just knew. He was dating someone at the time and shortly after I was too, but we talked almost everyday on the phone and were best friends for over three years.
After I finally had the courage to tell him how I felt about him he told me he felt the same and we broke it off with others we had been dating. This was in October 2010. Fast forward to December and we are offical and I know then and there that there is no other man for me but him.
At the time we had only been dating a few months but I started to go stir crazy. I wanted to start the next part of my life with him as quickly as possible. I KNEW and he said he KNEW so what were waiting for?!?! It took me a couple of months, but I realized that we were quite young, early mid 20’s and that if I loved him I could wait.
Now it’s a year and a half later. He started talking to me about rings in summer but so far nothing. He bought a stone to set, but it was nothing like what was pictured and so we sent it back. Since then I have emailed and picked out several beautiful rings, even talked to a jeweler and worked out a payment plan, followed by… nothing. He always says that’s great! But then nothing ever happens.
Meanwhile I have become more and more insecure and feel like dog poop. I have snooped so I know he doesn’t already have it or anything ridiculously romantic and movie like.
I am at a loss because I feel like it is starting to affect my school work (nursing program- worked for a few years and have now gone back) and my personality. I don’t ever really feel like I am enough anymore and I feel like I have tried to justify my desires. I feel like the romance is out of it now and feel sick with diasppointment. That if he wanted it to be all him and so special why has it taken so long? I feel like its all pointing to one thing, and that I am not the girl for him. Long story short, I am wondering if I should just spend some time away tonight and just get some head space.
I don’t want to push this man. I truly love him and want him to have the happiest life possible, even if its not with me. I don’t know what else to say. Thank you for reading my rant…
Post # 3
I think you feel like crap because instead of having real conversations about expectations, timelines, and goals, you’re in covert passive aggressive assumption mode. The only way to fix this is to have a real conversation about how you’re feeling and what you want, while listening to his side of the same.
Post # 4
@crayfish: We have had several “real” conversations about it. Each time he has sworn up and down that he wants to marry me but he doesn’t want to be pressed for details. He believes that the man should completely surprise the woman.
Which is kind of hard to do when we live together and he works 60+ hours a week and so do I.
Post # 5
I’m sorry this is so hard, you rant all you want to, but leave that fella of yours alone. He knows what you want and he knows that you want it, HE wants to plan, purchase and surprise you all on his own…please, please, please respect that, a proposal isn’t just about you.
Onto our second and most intimidating problem, why on Earth does your estimation of self worth and value rest solely on this man’s desire to marry you? It sounds like you have a lot going on, that you are still in school and in a demanding field. I’m sure you are a lovely and wonderful person to be around, and have so much going for you.
It is time for you to focus on yourself, in these limited years before marriage, kids and whatever the hell life hurls at you because I can guarantee you will miss it.
I know it’s hard, and that waiting is the worst and our first instinct is to point that frustration at the men we love most because THEY won’t get on with it….it ain’t fair honey, but that’s how this dance goes…so live in the moment, change your focus and start doing things that interest and inspire you, leave your SO to do his part and trust that he will…otherwise you are doomed to be unhappy and frustrated until he begrudgingly gives you what you want…and my, my, doesn’t THAT sound romantic?
You can do it, hang in there!
Post # 6
@Nona99: I know you are right. That’s why I ranted. I am sad and in tears not because I don’t understand but for disliking myself that I want the commitment so much. I do want to leave him alone which was why I was wondering if I should get some headspace so I don’t explode on him.
It’s just so hard to focus on the other things. I know it’s the right thing to do and trust me, he is the WORLD”S BEST GUY. I am not doubting him just me.
Every one always says you have all the time in the world but when you are in love, you just don’t want to delay the rest. I know he’s right and so are ya’ll, just feel like poo.
Post # 7
@littlemoon1001: Whether you’re engaged to this man or not, you do have him in your life right now, and with the understanding that he wants to be with you. The only thing you’re jeopardizing by putting this pressure on yourself is pushing him away.
It’s okay to want to keep moving forward but sometimes you have to stop and enjoy just being, otherwise where does it end? After the engagement, there’s wedding planning, and then the wedding. And then it just stops. Then what?
Be happy knowing that you have a man who obviously loves you very much and stop worrying about the next step in the journey, because it’s a journey that you’ll hopefully be on for the rest of your life.
Post # 8
Agree with the above posters. You know what you want, he knows what you want, now just try and be patient! You are only young once, and believe me, you will regret not enjoying this stage of your relationship once you are married, working, and starting a family. If he really is the best guy ever, you don’t want to lose him by pushing him too hard or jeopardizing the relationship by acting this way. I’m sure you have a lot going for you, so try and focus on yourself, your friends, your interests, and let him do his thing and work out a special proposal. Just remember that most guys are insanely more attracted to fun, confident, girls who have a life of their own. Go be that girl!
Post # 9
I was in the same place as you for a long time, as I know many other bees have been. I waited 4 years for a proposal and it was a long 4 years for me. He asked me to move in with him after 1 year and we talked for a long time how to me, moving in together meant that we had decided to get married. Two and a half years later we were still not engaged. I reached a point where I was prepared to walk away. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with him, I always wanted to marry him. But I was really reaching my limit and there were so many excuses as to why we were still not engaged. I always knew and made it clear that if we weren’t getting married, we were breaking up. I could not have stayed with someone who wasn’t going to marry me no matter how much I loved him.
He did propose and he planned it all and it was beautiful. He spent 3 months hand picking every stone in my ring and the exact right setting. He wanted everything to be perfect and he didn’t give it away for a long time even though we had a few bad fights in those 3 months. We are married now and I am so happy! If this is really the man that you love then I think that you should hold on until you just can’t take it any more. But if you reach that point, that’s ok too. I hope he is planning something though!
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
I just want to give you a little hope so that maybe you’ll calm down a little. Fiance and I live together (and did when he proposed). He was working 40-60 hour weeks (still is, depends on the week) and going to school full time. Yes, he’s busy, but he still proposed and I was 100% surprised. So, just because he’s busy doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about it.
Post # 11
sorry to hear this….you should really have a chat with him….this is clearly something that is very important to you
Post # 12
I agree with the other bees. I’m sure he is thinking about it and wants this as much as you do. Just give him time.