Don't know how to feel about SO's relationship with an ex.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to be totally honest with you. Although I have no problem with having friends of the opposite sex, I would not like it if my future so was/is friends with a ex-girlfriend. I think being friends with exes especially if they slept together is a no no for me and is totally disrespectful to the current relationship.  I would personally have a calm conversation with him about his friendship with Sally and ask him to give up his friendship with sally and if he says no then I would rethink your relationship. If he truely loves you then he will give up the friendship for you. A guy who was previously interested in me was good friends with an ex and I told him if he wanted to be with me that he had to give up the friendship with his ex and if he didn’t then I wouldn’t be with him. 

Post # 3
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

And to add to my comment im not with this guy because of this. 

Post # 4
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I wouldn’t like that. Iwould feel very uncomfortable and I dont think I could put up with that for the rest of my life to be totally honest.

Post # 5
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think you might be able to gently bring it up with him – don’t ask him to stop bring friends with her, but explain your feelings and especially that sometimes you feel like she knows him better or is closer to him than you are. Maybe try to spin it into a ” let’s work on our own intimacy so that I don’t feel so insecure” kind of thing. 

Personally, it would bother me that he was like hanging out with just her in her house or his. Not because I thought something bad was happening, but just because I think there are some boundaries. Would he like it if you were doing all of these things with a guy that he didn’t know super well? 

Post # 6
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

This isn’t just a romantic relationship. They have been friends since they were SIX YEARS OLD. that is a long, long time to be best friends with someone. They’ve experienced more things together than most people. 

How would you feel if they didn’t have a romantic past? Would you still be this uncomfortable with their friendship? Why does the past relationship that happened in high school have to effect their current friendship and your relationship?

You said it yourself. He has been nothing but upfront about this woman. And she hasn’t done anything to you to make you want him to end a 15+ friendship.  Except your own insecurities. 

He chose you. He is with you. Talk to him about your concerns and insecurities, but don’t make him choose. That’s such a shitty thing to do. 

Post # 7
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’m sorry but I think at least a part of him is still in love with her. I mean, not to sound harsh, but it only seems like they’re not together because she went away… and now she’s back. There may be a lot of unanswered what ifs there for him. I feel this is going to get really messy unless you lay out some ground rules now & both be very honest about this.

Post # 9
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

MyTimeWillCome:  yeah, I think that will hopefully help! Just as he is being laid back and honest, you should be too. Luckily you can see that it’s reallymore your insecurities than him actually doing anything “wrong,” and that’s a positive step forward in trying to improve the situation. 

Post # 11
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

MyTimeWillCome:  What about going to lunch with “Sally”? Get to know her and become friends with her. You might find you really like her and that can also help dissipate some fears. 

And as far as competition? It is only that if you make it into one. She was his childhood and as long as you handle this in a mature, adult way, you can be his future. 

And just remember there are many levels of love. 

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

bubbycakes:  

+1 Exes belong in the past. I have had ex boyfriends end their friendships with me due to their girlfriends’ insecurities and I completely understand why that happened. There is just too much potential for boundaries to be crossed. 

Post # 14
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ckasnoff:  I very much disagree. They dated for FOUR YEARS. She’s an ex much more than she’s a long time friend.

At the very least he is “harmlessly” flirting and enjoying the attention from her. Seeing her in a group (or as a couple) is fine. One on one is not.

I would tell him I’m uncomfortable with that degree of closeness to an ex, and I expect the one-on-one time to stop. If it didn’t, that would be saying to me that he values time with his ex more than the relationship, and I’d be seriously rethinking it.

I’m reminded of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.

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