(Closed) Don't know how to feel. I have such a funny feeling in my stomach :(

posted 5 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sometimes it is good to be able to talk to people you have similar interests with. Does he do this with guys he works with as well? If so I would not worry, if not, then maybe you need to have a big chat about why he feels he needs to chat to other women?

Post # 5
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@debbieotoole:  I guess you need to have a real think about whether this is your insecurities, or his actions, I am sure you have nothing to worry about 🙂 xx

Post # 6
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@debbieotoole:  I hate to break it to you, but he is cheating on you, maybe not in the traditional sense of having a sexual relationship. He is having an emotional affair, especially if he is putting these other women’s needs above your own or those of your relationship.

Also, not only is he carrying it on in front of you, but when you mention being bothered by it he hides it from you and continues to do it behind your back. I would be concerned that this may or may already have turned into something physical with these women. Lying and going behind your back are never actions of an honest person.

Post # 7
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Tread carefully. I don’t know your sitch but everyone I personally know of the under 25 set that displayed this behavior were usually emotionally cheating including an ex. Like getting some flirtation need filled. HOWEVER. I don’t know everyone in the world or their situation. This really could be nothing. What I can tell you is clear it up for you and him asap! Otherwise this is going to build into a huge problem of trust and without trust your relationship will fail no matter who is or isn’t talking to you or FI.”

I’m sorry I feel like I have to reach out to you agressively. I just…my last serious ex who had bought a ring was doing this….and his girl d’jour fbook’d me that they had been talking and sent me everything months after I had confonted him. It destroyed me. I DO NOT claim he is doing the same thing…but any woman I can protect from this pain I’d love to….


Regardless what they discuss..he is not putting you first…he is hiding women in his phone..he is asking you if you approve of his new “pals” …he’s putting the blame on you which is a red flag. I don’t care if you read every email/text/sky writing he’s ever made. My biggest pet peeve on this site is that women undermine male sketchy behavior by blaming you for “having the gall to be suspicious and discover your fears were legit…” I’m sorry but you could stalk a boo and if they’re cheating or being shady…the blame goes on them not you. 

I hope that you two are able to clear everything up and find the next steps for you. Do not bury this because it will eat you up everytime he meets a new chick. You seem super mature and level headed so find a way to clear this up now or you’ll both need to walk away. 

Post # 8
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Regardless of if he is “cheating” or not, if you are uncomfortable with his behavior, then it’s inappropriate. If he does not change the behavior, he is disrespecting you. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex. My fiancé and I both agree that men and women can not be friends period. Neither of us would appreciate the other having a friend of the opposite sex. I realize that not all people agree with this, but since we agree, it works. IMO he is not acting like you are his priority. How would he feel if you started a friendship witg another man? You do not want to become an insecure needy partner because he is paying other women more attention then you! Nip this in the bud ASAP!!

Post # 9
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I definitely agree with the other posters who say it’s not in your mind and if you don’t like it, he needs to respect that. These “friendships” seem to be interfering with your relationship and that’s gotta stop. He’s brazen to carry on a non-work conversation and ignore you. He’s brazen to use the name switch in the phone, too. Guess he thought you were too naive to remember the phone number. That’s really disrepectful. and by saying he did it so you wouldn’t get upset is a slap in the face. So he’s showing you that he’ll do what the heck he wants to do and he feels it’s okay as long as you don’t find out. He’s ok with deceiving you to get his way. That’s not cool.

Post # 10
Member
8021 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t get the disrespecting thing. respect is a two way street. Isn’t the OP disrespecting him by thinking that he is cheating when he is chatting to a female? This is real life- the men in your lives are going to interact with other females whether it be chatting in real life or through texts/emails/social media.

OP how would you feel if he said that you had to stop talking to anyone male that you know?

Why is it wrong for him to have friends that share a common interest?

Why do people automatically assume he is cheating?

Yes he lied but from your reactions to this I can kind of see why- you blanket banned him from talking to his friend and basically told him that you don’t trust him (wayyy before him not telling you he was still in contact with his friend).

Im sorry but you need to talk to someoone about your insecurities before you drive a wedge into your relationship.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do not think you are insecure, I think you are human. 

It is okay to have friends, even if he talks to them all day, the issue is when he avoids you to talk to them, he should be just as interested to talk to you. You are his fiancee, he is ready to make you his wife, you should be first under God. 

I agree he may not be physically cheating but he may be emotionally cheating. He should not have to lie to you and change the name. 

You need to go ahead and address the issue, you guys need to communicate and nip this in the bud if you want to go forward. 

Because , honestly this is not continuing on the right path. It could be all innocent to him, but if he is keeping it a secret from you he is not being honest about the friendship. There is nothing wrong with friends but if either of you meet new friends you all should be able to hang out together, (not saying it will happen, but it should be an option that could be on the table) there should be some communication, you should know the person. Why? because when you meet someone new and they are apart of your life, you let those close to you know about them, they will come up in some of your conversation.

 

Post # 13
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Have you met her? I am in a field of work that is predominantly male (in my department, I am the only female out of about 100 ppl). Honestly, I am pretty much “one of the guys” and there are times when we text or need to talk on the phone outside of work. Here are a few things that I feel like made the SOs of my colleagues more comfortable:

1. I’ve met them all. We have had work parties, and after the very first one, the guys told me their wives felt much better about me once they got to know me. Try to arrange an outing where you can meet this woman. If she is not trustworthy, more than likely you’ll realize it immediately. 

2. I’m not totally single. I have been in a committed relationship since I started this job & now am engaged. That has certainly made things easier. If this woman isn’t, I would be a little more apprehensive.

3. I stay in touch with the SOs as well. I try to make it a point to talk to the spouses of the guys I work with as much as I talk to the guys. If I meet them, I Facebook friend them. I have absolutely nothing to hide or be ashamed of, and I want their wives to know that. 

That being said, I would still keep my eye on her if I were you. I also have issues with cheating in the past, and it is not pretty. If they are spending time together outside of work or if the texting escalates or your SO tries to hide it, I would suggest you communicate your concerns him clearly. It sounds like this might be a perfect topic you could bring up within the safety of couples therapy. You might need to learn how to better deal with the issues with your parents, and SO probably needs to learn how to communicate with you and understand the boundaries you think are acceptable in his professional relationships. 

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