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You aren't doing anything wrong, She sounds like a cold B***h. I know, hubs' sister is the same way. And she has 0 excuse because I have heard hubs tell her stuff that she claims to know nothing about. I hate her. Ok, maybe not hate...
You didn't do anything wrong! You may be right, there could be other variables at play that you're not aware of, like N wanting to leave FMIL. Who knows? But there is nothing you can do to change the way she's behaving. All I'd suggest is to send the invite, knowing she's not attending. And from there, you can wash your hands of her. I mean, when/if she's around be respectful but don't go out of your way for her! Sorry you're dealing with this.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong (love your idea for a cake BTW!!). I think she may have some pent up anger from when FMIL and N got together a long time ago, and they let FI and his siblings live with them. Maybe she doted on them a little more than she doted on her own children? I find that's sometimes the case when you're trying to impress someone new, and children (no matter what the age) get jealous of each other. So, perhaps she's a little resentful towards your FI. No fault to him either, but it might just be her reaction to her mom and FMIL's relationship.
I think you just keep it cool with her. If she wants to be an ice queen, then you're very allowed to be one to her as well. Don't go out of your way for her anymore. Of course, don't let her kids suffer, ubt you're entitled to not really be all that warm or receptive to her and her plans either.
Good point Peas - They bought a HUGE house (6 bedroom) "together" (N is basically a sugamama) so the kids could come and stay whenever. FI and I lived there (him for like 5 months me for 1) while saving for our house, and two of FI's siblinsg are kind of screw-ups and lived there for LOW rent for a while. I think part of it is N is much older than FMIL (48/63) so I think N's daughter (in her 30's) feels like all of my step-sib's drama is too much for her at her age - which is true. But she got 30k from her mom for her wedding, and $$ for in-vitro and her dog's surgery... while we get NOTHING from either FMIL or N for our wedding... so why be jealous? It seems pointless.
Yeah, but jealously ususally doesn't make sense. We can't understand it because we aren't jealous people.
I would take the high road with her and be polite. Don't mention that she hurt your feelings, but at the same time, don't go out of your way for her.
In a family people need to work together to be part of the family. Doesn't seem like she wants to be a part of your family...
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This is such a weird situation and I hope you guys can give me advice as to how to handle it... I think I know what I *should* do but I also just need to vent!
FI's parents divorced when he (the oldest of 5) was in middle school. Eventually, his mom entered into a same-sex relationship. His Mom lived with her new partner, and so did his siblings (he was in college). Eventually his Mom told him, and he admitted they all kind of knew, and he was accepting of course and set a great example for his siblings, who also were fine with it. They all really loved the partner (we'll call her N) and her daughter and son (who are older than FI).
Eventually, N grew more distant from the kids and more focused on work. N's daughter moved across the country and got married. By the time I came into the picture, my FI would talk about how cool N used to be. I personally see a lot of stress in FMIL & N's relationship. FMIL is very needy and N seems preoccupied elsewhere.
N's daughter went through in-vitro and conceived twins. They found out that October would be their last month to travel, since she was high risk (due in Feb). FMIL planned for her shower to be the same day as our wedding shower so we could celebrate together. FI and I, though tight on cash, spent $100 on her registry items and another $100 on food, including a blue & pink checkerboard cake that I made and decorated with "2 peas in a pod" drawings. We spent a lot of time and money, because we care about them like family.
Her party was in the morning and were a lot of N's friends and coworkers. Our party was at the same house in the evening. Step-SIL came up to me about 1/2 hour into our party, saying she was leaving, and that she was sorry, but no one told her about our party. I told FMIL that later and she said it was "BS" because N had said she told her daughter about it. Well it turns out N was fudging and thinks she forgot to tell her. How nice. We sent them all e-vites so really it is no excuse. But she's pregnant and preoccupied right? No big deal.
Well she sends a thank you for the gifts- not mentioning anything we did to set up the party, send invites, make the food, or cake. Again, it's fine, she's busy and pregnant. But we receive not even a congratulations card, or a mention of that she's sorry she didn't know about our party. As if it never happened. No small gift card, nothing.
They had their twins two weeks ago because Pre-E set in so they had to deliver early. Of course I assume she will RSVP no to our March wedding! However instead of a reception we're having two summer parties (one in NJ for my fam and one in IN for his) so I thought she'd of COURSE want to come out in the summer, the twins will be 6 months old, she can see her fam, etc. Well the RSVP comes back yesterday... marked NO to all. All she wrote was "The twins won't allow us." Now, I understand. But the SUMMER? You won't come visit your MOM and attend a small BBQ? I find that hard to believe. No "wish we could be there!" or "congratulations!" or anything.
I hate this cold vibe I get from her. We never did anything to hurt her and were SO excited about her twins. Now I feel like she wishes her Mom N wasn't with FMIL, or even knows something we don't about N wanting to leave FMIL. I know she gave her mom crap about some of FI's siblings living with FMIL & N.
How do I react? I feel like I should probably just not talk to her. But her Mom is going to think it's weird if we don't send her an invite for our IN summer reception party. FI said last night "I bet she doesn't send us a gift or a congrats or anything." I feel hurt after being genuinely excited about her good news.
What am I doing wrong?