Post # 1
A little backstory: My mom passed away of cancer just over a month ago. I miss her dearly. She was my best friend. My FI and I have decided to go on with the wedding as planned because it is what my mom would have wanted. She absolutely adored my FI and was so happy that we are getting married. She was so much a part of the planning and I’m glad I got to enjoy so much of that with her.
Our original plan for the wedding day was that my bridesmaids and I would stay at a hotel together the night before and have the hair and makeup artist come to our suite in the morning. My mom and my FMIL would also be coming to get their hair and makeup done. Obviously my mom will no longer be there. So here is the dilemma. My FMIL says to me the other day that her sister will be in town for the wedding and since she is staying with my FMIL she will be coming to the hotel with my FMIL although she won’t get hair or makeup done, she will just hang out. I’m really not happy about this. As much as my FI’s aunt is a nice lady I just don’t think I want her there. I know it’s going to be a very emotional day for me and very difficult to not have my mom there. I really only want it to be the people I’m closest to. I’m not even having my step mother or grandmother there. It feels awkward to have my FI’s aunt there who I don’t know all that well. It’s not like the aunt has nowhere else to go. They have a brother that lives in town that she could come to the wedding with. Also, her son is flying into town for the wedding as well although I’m not sure where he is staying. He could come pick her up for the wedding though. I don’t really know how to tell my FMIL that I just don’t want her sister there without offending anyone. I feel bad for having such a strong emotional reaction to the aunt being there but it is how I’m feeling.
The other option I have considered is now inviting my stepmom and grandma and just have a bunch of people there. Maybe that will be more of a distraction for me and I won’t get as emotional about missing my mom?
Any thoughts or kind words are appreciated.
Post # 2
kanneb: I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom! hugs to you.
I think perhaps inviting your stepmom and grandma would be a good solution – are you close with them? Normally I would say tell your fiance to disinvite the aunt, but I feel like having it be just you and your FMIL might make you even sadder. Although nothing can make this loss easier, perhaps adding a couple more people who love you and want to support you might be a good distraction.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2015 - The Biltmore Ballrooms
First off, I’m so sorry about your loss. I think that some aspects of the wedding are more about family than you.. BUT NOT THIS ONE!! Getting rady for a big event is stressful on the day of, I feel that you have the right to politely let your FMIL how you feel and why. Mentioning that your step mom and granny wont be there may give her perspective.
If you think this would cause drama, perhaps having a team of your happiest, funniest relatives around may be great too. Best of luck!
Post # 4
I’m so terribly sorry about your mom, big huge hugs to you!!
I agree, I find having lots of people around helps distract me, so I would definitely go with option 2. I dont think theres a tactful way to uninvite the aunt without a little hurt feelings, although you’re well within your rights to do so if thats what you decide you want. But it might make the day a little more joyful to be totally surrounded by people who love you all day.
Post # 5
I’m very sorry for your loss. I believe the only thing to do is express how you feel about the situation to Fmil, I’m sure she will understand.
Post # 6
Thank you ladies.
My stepmom and I have had our moments where we haven’t gotten along at all but I think we are mostly over that and for the last year or so have actually gotten along pretty well. She has a pretty bubbly personality so might be fun day of.
Part of the issue as I think about it more is the logistics of having her and my grandma there. My dad and stepmom live about 45-60 min away from where we are getting married. My grandma, aunt and step sister are flying in from out of state and staying with my dad. My dad and his wife only have one car so everyone would actually need to drive down together. So it would really probably have to be my stepmom, stepsister, grandma and aunt all coming to the hotel, which I think I’m ok with. It starts to be a lot of people though! It’s really more of a little house than just a suite so I think we could accomodate everyone but then might that be overwhelming? And what would my dad do after he drops them off? I guess I could see if my FI would mind if he hung out with the guys.
I’m kind of thinking maybe I could just spend most of the morning with my bridesmaids and have everyone else come later. My FMIL could be the last one to get her makeup done. She is doing her own hair.
Post # 7
kanneb: to each their own, but some people want peace from the craziness of the day and the planning and to be only with those with whom they are very comfortable. Everyone is different. But, if you feel like you wanted only the group you originally planned for, then I think you are entitled to put your foot down. You are not the person who invited her, and your FMIL was wrong to do that without speaking to you.
Your FI could speak to his mom or you could just say you didn’t realize she had invited someone but you are keeping it at closest people, and were looking forward to having her there. Hugs to you, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Post # 8
First off I am very sorry about your mother but she will definitly be there with you on your wedding day. If you feel like you cannot have a bunch of people around most people would understand the situation you are in. Maybe just talk to her if you are alone together and mention your feelings. Congrats on your marriage 🙂
Post # 9
kanneb: I would have a one on one talk with your FMIL. I would tell her how you are feeling about not having your mother there, and that you want to limit the number of people there, espeically the number that you aren’t close to. If it was me, I might even add how I’m not comfortable crying infront of people I don’t know well, and how emotion packed getting ready without your mom will be. I would maybe even offer, nicely, that if FMIL and aunt want to hang out together that you could pay for them to have their hair done at XYZ near by salon.
I don’t think adding more people is going to help. From the sound of it, it could turn into a zoo pretty fast.
Post # 10
Can you just get ready with your MOH? Just tell FMIL, you are so distressed with death of your mom, you dont want a big crowd?
Post # 11
kanneb: I’m so sorry about your mom.
Time for FI to step up. I suggest that your FI asks his mother that he really would like her to get ready with him and his side of the family. He could even mention that he’s looking forward to seeing his aunt.
Post # 12
kanneb: Oh my goodness I am so, so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how emotional this must be for you.
I think your feelings are absolutely 100% the priority on the day and everyone else should respect that. There is no right or wrong way for you to deal with this situation, your grief is your grief and the day should unfold in whichever way makes you comfortable and brings you peace.
Does your FI know about this situation and how you feel? Really I think it would be best to have him speak to his mother, I don’t think you need to be the one dealing with that right now. He can tell her that you’ve both spoken about it, and you think that it would be best that it’s just you and your bridesmaids given how emotional the day will be. Even if she disagrees, stick to your guns. It is 100% your choice.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this and I hope you are still able to enjoy this time and have an amazing wedding day xx
Post # 13
kanneb: I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending you massive internet hugs.
I think that your comfort and happiness should absolutely be the top priority. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to keep your wedding morning group small, with just the people you’re closest to! If you’re not ever going to be comfortable with your FI’s aunt at your pre-wedding prep (and goodness knows I wouldn’t be, but that’s me!) then I do think it’s best to sit down with FMIL now, you and your FI both, and explain how you feel. It’s absolutely valid, and I’m sure your FMIL will understand that your comfort on what will be an emotional, exciting day for you MUST take precedence over her entertaining her sister.
That said, if your wedding isn’t super imminent, I don’t think this is necessarily something you have to decide right now, especially if it’s putting a lot of pressure on you. After all, they’re all going to be in the general vicinity on the day, so if you decide in April that you’d like it to be just your girls – or conversely, that you want as many people there as possible, you’ll be able to make that happen no matter what.
Still, I don’t think that a conversation with FMIL would be remiss. I wonder if your FMIL actually thinks she’s being helpful by inviting her sister. Is it possible that she might think that her sister will be really helpful day of? If situations arise that need to be handled, her sister can liaise between you and the day-of coordinator, for example. She can be the point person so that your FMIL and your bridesmaids can focus on you, perhaps?
Post # 14
aussiemum1248: Yes, time for FI to step up.
kanneb: I lost my Mom very close to the wedding, too. Like you, when I went shopping for a dress, I wanted only my sister and niece with me because of how hard it would be. FMIL later emailed me telling me how dissapointed she was. My fiance immediately explained everything to her. All this is to say, do what you feel in your heart and soul that you want to do. Don’t be intimidated by anyone or anything. This is your one wedding, hopefully, and you want a sense of calm and peacefulness to be able to feel your mom with you. Because she WILL be with you if the room is jot chaotic, loud and not the atmosphere you were hoping for. Good luck, hon, in your decision. PM me anytime. Hugs.
Post # 15
aussiemum1248: Miss_E_xx: ladybennett:
Thank you so much ladies. It really has helped to get reassurance that my feelings are valid.
I had talked to my FI about it a little before and he said he would support me whatever I decide. I bought it up with him again tonight since it was weighing on me. Our wedding is in just over a month so I need to decide fairly soon because I have to let the makeup artist know how many people.
My FI is so wonderful. He said he understands where I am coming from and he was very sweet and supportive. He volunteered to talk to his mom. He says she will understand.