Don't know how to handle this situation with my FMIL

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

kanneb: I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved mom! hugs to you.

I think perhaps inviting your stepmom and grandma would be a good solution – are you close with them? Normally I would say tell your fiance to disinvite the aunt, but I feel like having it be just you and your FMIL might make you even sadder. Although nothing can make this loss easier, perhaps adding a couple more people who love you and want to support you might be a good distraction.  


Post # 3
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - The Biltmore Ballrooms

First off, I’m so sorry about your loss. I think that some aspects of the wedding are more about family than you.. BUT NOT THIS ONE!!  Getting rady for a big event is stressful on the day of, I feel that you have the right to politely let your FMIL how you feel and why. Mentioning that your step mom and granny wont be there may give her perspective. 


If you think this would cause drama, perhaps having a team of your happiest, funniest relatives around may be great too.  Best of luck!

Post # 4
1634 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so terribly sorry about your mom, big huge hugs to you!!

I agree, I find having lots of people around helps distract me, so I would definitely go with option 2. I dont think theres a tactful way to uninvite the aunt without a little hurt feelings, although you’re well within your rights to do so if thats what you decide you want. But it might make the day a little more joyful to be totally surrounded by people who love you all day.


Post # 5
125 posts
Blushing bee

I’m very sorry for your loss. I believe the only thing to do is express how you feel about the situation to Fmil, I’m sure she will understand.

Post # 7
7141 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

kanneb:  to each their own, but some people want peace from the craziness of the day and the planning and to be only with those with whom they are very comfortable. Everyone is different. But, if you feel like you wanted only the group you originally planned for, then I think you are entitled to put your foot down. You are not the person who invited her, and your FMIL was wrong to do that without speaking to you. 

Your FI could speak to his mom or you could just say you didn’t realize she had invited someone but you are keeping it at closest people, and were looking forward to having her there. Hugs to you, I’m so sorry for your loss. 

Post # 8
2580 posts
Sugar bee

First off I am very sorry about your mother but she will definitly be there with you on your wedding day. If you feel like you cannot have a bunch of people around most people would understand the situation you are in. Maybe just talk to her if you are alone together and mention your feelings. Congrats on your marriage 🙂

Post # 9
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


kanneb:  I would have a one on one talk with your FMIL.  I would tell her how you are feeling about not having your mother there, and that you want to limit the number of people there, espeically the number that you aren’t close to.  If it was me, I might even add how I’m not comfortable crying infront of people I don’t know well, and how emotion packed getting ready without your mom will be.  I would maybe even offer, nicely, that if FMIL and aunt want to hang out together that you could pay for them to have their hair done at XYZ near by salon.

I don’t think adding more people is going to help.  From the sound of it, it could turn into a zoo pretty fast.

Post # 10
1531 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Can you just get ready with your MOH?  Just tell FMIL, you are so distressed with death of your mom, you dont want a big crowd?

Post # 11
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

kanneb:  I’m so sorry about your mom.

Time for FI to step up. I suggest that your FI asks his mother that he really would like her to get ready with him and his side of the family. He could even mention that he’s looking forward to seeing his aunt.

Post # 12
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

kanneb:  Oh my goodness I am so, so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how emotional this must be for you.

I think your feelings are absolutely 100% the priority on the day and everyone else should respect that. There is no right or wrong way for you to deal with this situation, your grief is your grief and the day should unfold in whichever way makes you comfortable and brings you peace.

Does your FI know about this situation and how you feel? Really I think it would be best to have him speak to his mother, I don’t think you need to be the one dealing with that right now. He can tell her that you’ve both spoken about it, and you think that it would be best that it’s just you and your bridesmaids given how emotional the day will be. Even if she disagrees, stick to your guns. It is 100% your choice.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this and I hope you are still able to enjoy this time and have an amazing wedding day xx

Post # 13
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

kanneb:  I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending you massive internet hugs.

I think that your comfort and happiness should absolutely be the top priority. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to keep your wedding morning group small, with just the people you’re closest to! If you’re not ever going to be comfortable with your FI’s aunt at your pre-wedding prep (and goodness knows I wouldn’t be, but that’s me!) then I do think it’s best to sit down with FMIL now, you and your FI both, and explain how you feel. It’s absolutely valid, and I’m sure your FMIL will understand that your comfort on what will be an emotional, exciting day for you MUST take precedence over her entertaining her sister. 

That said, if your wedding isn’t super imminent, I don’t think this is necessarily something you have to decide right now, especially if it’s putting a lot of pressure on you. After all, they’re all going to be in the general vicinity on the day, so if you decide in April that you’d like it to be just your girls – or conversely, that you want as many people there as possible, you’ll be able to make that happen no matter what. 

Still, I don’t think that a conversation with FMIL would be remiss. I wonder if your FMIL actually thinks she’s being helpful by inviting her sister. Is it possible that she might think that her sister will be really helpful day of? If situations arise that need to be handled, her sister can liaise between you and the day-of coordinator, for example. She can be the point person so that your FMIL and your bridesmaids can focus on you, perhaps?

Post # 14
527 posts
Busy bee

aussiemum1248:  Yes, time for FI to step up. 

kanneb:  I lost my Mom very close to the wedding, too. Like you, when I went shopping for a dress, I wanted only my sister and niece with me because of how hard it would be. FMIL later emailed me telling me how dissapointed she was. My fiance immediately explained everything to her. All this is to say, do what you feel in your heart and soul that you want to do. Don’t be intimidated by anyone or anything. This is your one wedding, hopefully, and you want a sense of calm and peacefulness to be able to feel your mom with you. Because she WILL be with you if the room is jot chaotic, loud and not the atmosphere you were hoping for. Good luck, hon, in your decision. PM me anytime. Hugs.

Leave a comment

Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors