Post # 1
So there is a little bit of back story to this…ill try to be short and sweet and get to the point.
A girl I work with and I became friends…the friendship has always been somewhat strained for some reason but at one point we were pretty close. Last year she got engaged and asked me to be in her wedding. Then it was called off…now its back on and she wants me and two other girls to be in it this time, which I agreed to…..
Well about two weeks ago, she got really mad at me and this huge arguement started out of nowhere and she said she thought our friendship had run its course (i know this makes me look bad and like im not telling the whole story, but honestly, it was out in left feild and our other friends were lost as to why she was acting that way too)….so she said she didnt know if she still wanted me in her wedding…then all of a sudden she tells me 2 days later (after asking for time to think) that she found out bad news and really just wanted to work on things– so trying to be a good person I agreed…and never mentioned being in her wedding, but she asked me when I could go get sized…since I had already agreed to be in it I just went with it and she has been really nice since then.
Well on Valentines Day, my boyfriend proposed to me 🙂 and shes been all about it ever since…and I know that she assumes she will be in my wedding. I honesly dont want her to be, I dont feel close to her anymore and some of the things she said still really bother me, and although Ive been getting along with her and trying to get over everything, I still dont understand how she could do what she did and then act like none of it ever happened.
So, should I tell her shes not in the wedding? I feel like thats rude to just tell someone that, but I’m scared she will think its not cool of me to not have her and then still be in her wedding? (and although I know people shouldnt assume that just because you are in theirs that they will be in yours, thats just the type of person she is….I honestly think if I talked to her about it, she might kick me out of hers, which is fine…but I hate drama and I dont want to deal with the mess of it).
If I dont tell her…and she eventually asks me who is in it…and finds out shes not…I really do think she will be mad/upset/offended…and then I will have gotten sized for my dress for her wedding coming up and made plans to be there and I just think it will be so awkward if she doesnt handle it well…..Its not that I dont want to be friends with her….its that I feel we still have a long way to go to repair everything and I dont think its appropriate to have her, I just feel obligated…
Please help!?!? Opinions? Advice??
Post # 3
first, congrats on your engagement!!
second, you do not need to ask her to be in your wedding at all. she doesn’t seem like she’s a good friend anymore, and you don’t have an obligation to ask her just because she asked you. you also don’t need to decide who is in your wedding party right away anyway–you can wait until you get a date and venue picked out and such. i wouldn’t tell her outright she’s not a bridesmaid unless she asks or is hinting towards it, since it sounds like she’s pretty volatile
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
When is her wedding? Honestly, if her wedding date isn’t close, I would be upfront but nice and tell her that after what she did, you don’t feel as close with her and don’t think you can in good conscious be in her wedding, but that you obviously still want her to attend your wedding. Sounds like you need to distance yourself a bit from her anyway.
Post # 5
If you haven’t picked a date yet, or even any of your other BP I’d just tell her you are still thinking about it and haven’t made a decision yet. Then once you decide maybe things will have settled down some and it’ll be easier for her to handle. Especially if it’s after her wedding and she doesn’t have the stress of planning still.
Post # 6
Congrats on your engagement!
I have a friend that assumed she was going to be a BM in my wedding as well. We grew up together, and we never had a falling out or anything bad happen between us, we just grew apart. We still talk from time to time through e-mail or IM, but I don’t hang out with her really. Well, she made a comment as if she was expecting me to ask her to be my BM. I just didn’t acknowledge it. I’m not asking her to be in my wedding. I have 1 MOH and 4 BMs, all of which are either family, or my best friends.
She recently got engaged and has been talking about her BM choices. She has hinted towards asking me, but it’s almost as if she’s expecting me to ask her to be my BM before she asks me to be hers. It’s very childish.
If I were you, I’d just leave it alone for now. I wouldn’t sit down with her and tell her she’s not your BM because that could cause a reaction. I’d just avoid bringing it up until she questions you about it (she shouldn’t, but she seems like the type that would). If she does get upset over it, just try to explain it to her as best you can. If she can’t handle it, that’s her problem. I know it might be awkward for you, but in the end it’s your wedding and you need to do what makes you happy!
Post # 7
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT, HOW EXCITING!!! YAAAAAYYYY…..
awww man, that is difficult, well I wouldn’t mention anything to her unless she asks. Have you chosen your bridal party yet? I know it’s probably still too soon but I’m assuming you have friends that you have known longer than her. If so, there is no reason why she should think she would be in the bridal party.
If she does assume that she will be in your bridal party because you were in hers than you will have to explain to her the reason for your choosing your bridal party and not including her. DON’T FEEL BAD if she reacts badly, personally I wouldn’t want someone who has such an unpredictable personality in my bridal party either for the very reason that at the last minute for whatever reason she backs out because she is “mad” at you.
Honestly, if she tries to make you feel guilty about not including her I would be weary about keeping a friend like that. I have several friends that I love, but can’t include everybody and they completely understand, that’s how friends should handle the situation. Hopefully she will be mature about it and handle it with grace.
Post # 8
You need to have an up front discussion with her, preferably in person. It’s better to get things out in the open early on, especially if you are 100% sure.
There are a lot of girls I am close with, and I was really scared not to include them, even though I am not sure how well I trust some of them. To solve this problem, I decided I was only going to have girls in the wedding who I have known more than 10 years, so hopefully no one would take it personally that they weren’t included. If you could find some category common to all the girls in the wedding, which this other girl does not fit into, this might help and it might not feel as personal to her.
Also, you might want to think about if there is another place you could offer her in your wedding, like an usher?
Post # 9
I agree with the others. If her wedding is soon (it sounds like it if you’re being sized), then wait until it’s over and done with before even mentioning the wedding around her. If she asks, tell her you’re enjoying being engaged for a while before worrying about planning a wedding. You’ve got plenty of time to decide and if she keeps nagging, tell her you have to talk everything over with your FI and neither of you have come to any definite conclusions. (for the heck on it, tell her you’re still working on a budget, lol).
After her wedding, if she asks out right, tell her politely and nicely that you’ve chosen those who are your closest and dearest friends that you both agree with and you’re sure can can understand the difficult decisions that have to be made when planning a wedding.
good luck and congrats!!!!
Post # 10
@mispriss1215: I don’t feel that you owe it to her to tell her who is in your wedding and that she isn’t at all! The thing is, she obviously has some issues to try and kick you out of hers and then assume she would be involved in yours. I would go along as if everything is normal. If she asks you, be honest and tell her who is in yours. Don’t even act like it’s a big thing. You have no obligations to her. Trust me, there were other friends of mine who probably expected to be in my wedding and I have no regrets for not asking them or telling them!
Post # 11
I really appreciate everyones point of view….I honestly see both sides which is why I am having such a hard time….
They are getting married in May….our date is in November.
She had made comments in the past (a few weeks before the blow out she had), that basically hinted that she expected to be in my wedding when the time came (at the time I wasnt engaged). We were at a bridal shop getting her dress fitted and she asked me if I was going to have maternity options for my BM’s….and me and my other friend just looked at her confused and then she said that her and her FI were going to try to get pregnant immediately after their wedding…and I didn’t really know what to say being put on the spot, so I just said I guess I would if it was needed…and tried to change the subject. Then a week later the blow out happened with her and she just went crazy on me….
I don’t want to be mean to her, I’m not that type of person which is why I have let her continue to talk to me and be nice…basically giving her a chance to work on our friendship (especially since we work together and have some of the same friends).
I feel like looking back on it (once its all said and done) that telling her outright that shes not in it just seems really rude….we havent picked our wedding party, but I know that I dont feel comfortable having her regardless…we do have our venue and date already…and she may ask me about it before her wedding….but I dont know if she would still want me in hers or not?
Post # 12
@mispriss1215: Honestly I wouldnt worry about the repercussions of telling her. You don’t need to tell her right away. I wouldnt tell her unless she asks and you have decided who your BMs are. It is an honor to be asked to be BM for someones wedding. She shouldnt have assumed and has nothing to stand on for getting pissed if you are choosing not to have her!
Post # 13
I think you need to just sit down and have a conversation. Tell her (nicely) that you were confused and hurt by her actions from a few weeks ago and that based on her bahavior and some things she said, you are concerned about your friendship. Let her know that you value the friendship, but that you want your engagement and your wedding planning to be as non-strssful as possible and with her own wedding right around the corner, is she sure she is able to be there for you and keep things on an even keel.
I’ve had the same best friend my whole life—literally 40 years. We’ve had our ups and downs and I found myself feleing some distance between us for several months before we announced our engagement. As I thought about how many bridesmaids I’d like and who I’d like to have in the wedding party, I simply couldn’t imagine her not being my MOH, but I was concerned. So I sat down with her and had a heart to heart and told her my feelings. She told me hers and how much it would mean to be my MOH and things were settled. She truly stepped up to the plate and executed all of her duties wonderfully! She was there when I needed a shoulder, was supportive when snafus arose, etc. I am so glad she was my MOH because it would’ve bothered me to look back and not have had her there.
Search your heart and decide what you truly want to do ad then have the conversation with her.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 14
My now sister-in-law didnt ask me to be in her wedding and I HATE her for it & probably will the rest of my life. Since you work with this girl, there is no avoiding her (like me, family functions are always strained & she’s SUPER fake to me) so bite the bullet and make it clear she’s not in your wedding. She sounds really childish if she’s going to be all drama about it. It sounds like she needs to grow up and realize it was her own behavior that caused this. You don’t need this stress. Planning a wedding is stressful enough. Good luck to you & happy planning!!!!!
Post # 15
Do not ask someone to be a bridesmaid because of feelings of guilt or obligation. Take it from me, you will regret it later.
@eebgniddew: you still hate your sister in law because you were not a BM? That seems a bit harsh…. hate is a strong word.
Post # 16
Don’t tell her anything. Just do what you need to do and plan your wedding. She’ll figure it out. No need to put yourself through an unnecessary confrontation.