Don't know if this is right?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2273 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

You really should just leave if you’re as unhappy as your post sounds :/.  Your son will benefit greatly & you/your FH can still be great parents, but live happier lives ..separately.  Get with your mom/BFF/someone you can trust &/or stay with.  Have a plan!  I applaud you though for taking this huge step to admitting to these issues & wanting to change them or do what’s best for you & your child!

Post # 5
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@karma92:  Where do you live and do you have insurance? With a child you may be able to do counseling with no copay. Or a clinic if you dont have insurance.

Post # 6
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

agree.  It sounds like, aside from your child, there is nothing left in this relationship.  Do yourself (and your baby) a favor and leave to find yourself a healthy relationship.

Post # 7
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@stephanie091512:  +1

I didn’t need to read anymore after “we have 0 respect for each other”.

Why are you guys sending so much on a edding you can’t afford, anyway?

Post # 9
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Getting married simply because you have a child together is a piss-poor reason for doing so. How do I know? Because I got married at 18 because I was pregnant and was divorced by the time I was 21 years old. I am not saying it won’t work because you are both young, but you yourself said about the zero respect and you’re obviously unhappy. Marriage isn’t going to make things better!

 

Post # 10
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - old cheese factory

@karma92:  i think you two need to have a heart to heart. lay it all out on the table. tell him how you are feeling and see what he has to say. you have nothing to loose. if he doesnt say much then you need to get out. my FI and i have a kid together and went through a small rough patch where i felt like i was a single parent blah blah blah, we didnt have sex for about a month and barely seemed to speak to eachother. but i told him how i felt and things made a 180. he didnt realize that he hadnt changed a diaper for a month or that he was being so distant. he was caught up in work. i hope the best for the two of you because throwing a kid in the middle makes things that much tougher. he may be feeling the same way as you or he may be living life oblivious to how you feel. and dont worry if you call off the wedding, people wont be pissed. the ones who love you will understand why you choose what you choose.

Post # 11
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@karma92:  I don’t think you two are ready to get married right now.

Marriage is a big serious life decision and you really want to feel sure when you do it.

If you have some faith you believe in and belong to some type of church see if they offer Pre-Marital counselling, if you don’t belong to a church see if anyone that you know attends any church and can refer you to one.  Some churches offer this for free or for a minimal cost.  I think if you decide to move forward with marriage as planned you NEED this type of intervention to at least help you guys get on the right path ASAP.

Also, I dont know how much  of an option this may be for you but perhaps you can postpone things for a bit until your relationship is more stable and you are more comfortable with the idea.

You don’t want to do anything you’ll regret or for the wrong reasons.

I hope you two are able to get the help that you need BEFORE you get married especially since you have a child in the picture.   At the end of the day you really don’t have to marry this guy regardless of what you think…it is better to not get married than to put yourself and your child through a divorce.

Post # 12
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t get married because you’ll lose money, divorce is expensive too! if you don’t have respect for each other and are this unhappy you’ll likely end up in a divorce. Put off getting married until you can be excited, until you can’t wait to be this particular persons wife! You should be beside yourself excited right now and youre not. Maybe a heart to heart will turn things around for you guys, but if not, please do yourself a favor and find someone you can be crazy about!

Post # 13
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with some of the other posters that you might want to think about postponing your wedding. If you and your FI are both dedicated to your relationship, you can work through this. Every relationship has rough times. However, it is imperative to figure out if your FI is dedicated enough to dig you guys out of this mess.

Also, saying things like “This is the type of crap that is so trivial and lazy and just stupid!!” does not really help the situation, even though it feels good when you’re frustrated. And I get that you’re saying this to us– not to him. But I suspect that you both use some of that same language when you’re arguing with one another, which contributes to the disrepect that you mentioned. It would be beneficial to say in a really nice tone something like, “When I get woken up in this way, I become very frustrated. If you need help in the morning once in a while, I don’t mind helping. But please wake me up in a nicer way or let me know the night before so I can prepare for it. Also, please remember that this is the care schedule that we agreed on. If you feel like we need to renegotiate, let’s do that.” Let me tell you! It’s the hardest thing in the world to do when you’re pissed, but when you see him react differently, it will feel awesome!

Post # 14
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

 I want to chime in as another young bride. I am 21 and have been married over a year, so I married at 20, but the circumstances were not the same as yours. I know that young brides recieved a bit more… criticism, than brides of other ages, but I know that marrying young does not equate to a death sentence.

That being said, I completely believe that some people are too immature to get married. Immaturity is not a dirty word, it’s simply a human characteristc. However, I do think you’re about to make a huge mistake.  

When I got married it was because it was what I wanted to do, quite simply. I was in love with a man that a wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I felt secure in my ability to do that. I love him now more than I ever have, and tomorrow I know I’ll only love him more.

Hear that? Those are the words of a person who wants to be in a marriage. 

Saying that you don’t respect each other is all I needed to hear to know that this is not a good idea. I have SO MANY friends who did exactly, EXACTLY, what you are doing now. They married into a toxic, unbalanced, or loveless relationship under the belief that it would benefit their children. 

It’s very noble and brave of you to want your child to be happy so much that you put your own happiness aside to give it to them, but it isn’t necessary. You’re child will be the best it can be with a happy mother and father that don’t fight and don’t bring in unwanted conflict. If you can provide that for your child while being married to the father, then that is great. But if you can’t then that’s okay too.

Don’t forget your own well-being. 

Post # 15
Member
10986 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

You and your FI (and your baby) definitely need a lot of help and support, individually, as a couple, and as a family.  Counseling is essential, and I know cost is a major issue for you. 

Is there anyone in either of your families who would be willing to pay for you to go to a licensed, professional counselor for a few sessions?  If not, are you and your FI involved in a church, or is anyone close to you involved in a church? The reason I am asking this is that, very often, a pastor would be willing to meet with you and to counsel with you at no cost. My DH is a pastor, and he has counseled couples who do not even go to our church who have contacted him for counseling.  There likely is a pastor in your area who would be willing to help you.

The goal here is either to help you and your FI decide that you do want to have a healthy relationship with each other that leads to a good marriage or that you are not a good match for each other and, therefore, should not proceed into a marriage relationship. 

You both are so young, and you have your whole lives ahead of you as well as a precious little baby to co-parent.  It’s vital that you do not set yourselves up to fail.

HUGS to you.

Post # 16
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@karma92:  Do you have someone who can watch her one night? You need to sit down and discuss the situation together. FI and I went through a phase where we were practically at each other’s throats b/c we were so stressed out about money/work/the baby…and I’m 10 years older than you! FI was being ‘lazy’ and unsuppportive and was also really depressed about his employment situation, b/c he wants to do what he loves…and I was pissed b/c I work at a job I hate to keep insurance, and probably won’t get to start my career for another year or 2. It was BAD. I thought about leaving. What saved us was having open, honest coversations about our issues and our goals. Communication is key. I pretty much had to force FI to talk to me about the bad things, and let him know how much his actions were hurting me, and it clicked for him. We’ve both made a lot of changes in how we communicate, and it’s so much better now. Of course, if your FI is not willing to talk and work on things, then you don’t need to sit around getting crapped on.

I’m sorry you’re going through this…I couldn’t imagine having to deal with all of this at such a young age. It is better, though, that you figure everything out BEFORE you get married. He can still be a good man and a good father, even if he’s not your husband.

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