Dont know what I should DO about My bio-dad

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I had this same problem, actually. My story was a little different. My biological dad was out of my life until I was 18, and my step-dad adopted me as his legal daughter when I was 8. So to me it was even more crystal clear: my dad was the one who raised me, taught me how to drive, lent me money when I couldn’t pay taxes, etc. It helped that he was legally my father. My biological dad and I also had a colored history even after I turned 18 and we started having a relationship, namely, he decided to stop talking to me for over a year because he didn’t like who I voted for (he had much stronger, nastier ways to describe me, radical, country-hating, etc.)

Yet this was a really difficult thing for me. I, like you, knew I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle. But at the same time, I felt bad since my biological dad COULD NOT accept that I would call anyone else father (he gives me a lot of uncomfortable lectures about the meaning of blood relatives and such). As such, I told him from the beginning that the man who raised me would walk me down the aisle, and if he wasn’t ok with that and didn’t want to come, I would understand. Thankfully, largely because (my guess is) he was afraid after the whole politics thing that I wouldn’t invite him at all, he told me he was ok with it.

To make him feel included, I had a Chinese ceremony for parents (mine and DH) as part of our wedding, and I DID include him in that. I also sat him at the parents table (my poor mom…). He still acted like a bit of a baby at my wedding, he left early and refused to talk to my dad or shake his hand. But those things were sort of small, and I just sort of rolled my eyes and didn’t let it get to me. I was very happy with what happened, and I felt like I did the right thing. 

Is there another way you could think of honoring him? Could you do maybe 2 father-daughter dances? It might get a little long, but if you made them each short, like 2 minutes, you could give them both the honors? Maybe let your biological dad make a speech? I feel strongly that the person who raises you should get to walk you down the aisle, but maybe come up with another way to honor your biological dad and then tell him about it gently, but firmly. Hopefully, he’ll understand. 

Post # 4
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

  If you do want to incorporate your bio dad maybe he can walk you 1/3 down the aisle and hand you off to to your step dad for the last 2/3 do the walk. That way you more time with your step dad, but give your bio dad a small part.

Its your wedding, do what makes you happy. Don’t let anyone guilt you into doing something you don’t want to.

Post # 5
Member
3557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@animallover:  +1 This is what I was going to suggest.

You could also include him by having him read at the ceremony or be an usher or something like that.

Post # 6
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

What I’m kind of picturing is your stepdad walking you down the aisle and before you get to your FI you stop and give your bio dad a kiss and a hug and then they can both hand you off and if you’re doing the whole “Who gives this bride away?”  They can both say “We do.”  That way your step dad gets to walk you down the aisle but you still acknowledge and include your bio dad in the moment.

Post # 7
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My situation is very similar to yours OP, if anything I have seen my bio dad slightly more than you.  I have decided to offer him a reading in the wedding while my step dad gets the honor of walking me down the aisle and the father daughter dance.  If my bio-dad does not accept this then he doesn’t have to come to his only daughters wedding.  My step dad has been in my life since I was six, he is my dad.  I am also going have all of my parents (mom bio dad and step dad) respond in unison to the pastor when he asks who blesses the marriage of this woman to this man, and I will list him in my program as father of the bride.  Hopefully you can find a solution that works for you.  This is what will make me the most comfortable and the least likely to be stressed out.

Post # 8
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

TBH i dont think he’s EXPECTNG to give you away, since he said “if you invite us”.

You dont have to do anything you dont want.

Maybe you can dance with your step-dad and bio-dad in the father-daugther dance to make him feel included?

Post # 9
Member
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

One of my close childhood friends just got married. You know who walked her down the aisle? Her step father. Her bio dad was there, and acknowledged during both the ceremony and reception. When all the parents were asked to stand and consent to the marriage of their children, he was named and stood. Likewise, she danced with BOTH of them at the reception during the father-daughter dance, but danced with her step dad first. There were no hard feelings (as far as I know) and her bio dad was content to cede the “dad” stuff to her step father.

Post # 10
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ArtDecoDC:  +1

I like this idea. Allow your real dad to be acknowledged when the officiant asks who is giving you away and dance with both of them. Your stepdad should be the one to walk you down the aisle though – for all intent and purpose he is your father.

My stepdad is giving me away. That was really never a question in my mind. I see my dad here and there, but he isn’t the best father figure and I think he knows that. I consider my stepdad to be my dad.

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