Post # 1
Hello to you all brides to be. I was wondering if any of you have ever felt the way I’ve been feeling for the last few days. When we first discussed the wedding, I wanted to invite at least 75 ppl. I’m 54 years old and this will be the first time I marry. I’ve been with FI for 24 years, helped him raise his three children. I don’t have any family members who live near me; both my parents have passed away; one brother lives in another country and the other one lives far away, four hour plane ride from me; very expensive to get to my home. So, the guests list came down to 20 ppl, including me and FI. We were supposed to have the wedding ceremony and reception at FI oldest daughter’s home until thursday night when she told her dad that she didn’t want anybody wearing shoes in her home, including the bride! Well,,, there is no way I’m not wearing shoes and the tuxedo dressed servers cannot be carrying hot plates without shoes on. too dangerous. Anyways, my problem is this: I’m kind of upset at this daughter right now; she accepted to hold the wedding at her house many many weeks ago. I’ve since gone out and spent hundreds of dollars buying all the decorations and everything else required at the wedding, booked the caterer, etc. We never hear from FI son; we talk a little bit more to the youngest child. I’m paying for most of the wedding. I just feel like having a ceremony at at restaurant with a few close friends, book a really, really nice bridal suite and after the wedding, eventually have a get together with FI children; I’d probably be able to us the darn decorations then grrr.
I’m just so upset right now at FI children that I couldn’t care less if they were at the wedding or not. And no, there is no talking alternative with the daughter who wants nobody to wear shoes in her home because she’s afraid its going to ruin her floors.
More I think about it, more I think I’m going to try to make FI understand that I really just want a real small ceremony, than diner at a nice restaurant with close friends.
I’m sure those of you reading this post will recognize how all over the place I am. I just don’t know what to do. I’m too upset.
Post # 3
Could you have FI talk to his daughter. The shoes issue seems like an excuse. Maybe you can offer to bring someone in to clean for her after the event?
Post # 4
You poor thing. It’s ridiculous to offer up your home, then make a rule about no shoes…one night of wearing shoes on hardwood is not going to do them any permanent damage.
Can you rent a home for the week and set it up how you want and have the wedding there? (I’m not sure where you’re from, but in Australia we have stayz which is wonderful)
But if you want to have a tiny ceremony then dinner with friends that also sounds lovely.
Post # 5
@Lauraine: Sorry to hear that, that is something she should have said upfront rather than than after you had booked caterers as it must be very stressful for you. (Is your wedding date soon or in 2014?).Having lived in Asia for a few years we do not wear any shoes in the house at all and I always politely ask my guests to remove their shoes. And if guests make a fuss or still insist on wearing them it becomes a sore point for me. All I do is think about all the germs from dirty footpaths etc. I know that this is not the usual way many people think and they think nothing of wearing shoes into public toilets then walking through a carpeted bredroom or even getting on a bed with shoes, but it is something that is important to myself & my FI. But this is something she should have said up front before you made plans. Can you find another venue to rent like a hall?
Post # 6
antalyn Actually, she told her father about the shoes on thursday evening while they were at darts night where I don’t go. I was in fact quite surprised that she hadn’t talk to me about this decision relating to the shoes. I know when we were at her at her fiancé’s home a few months ago discussing the wedding, she did asked me if I was going to wear shoes and I said yes. If she had an issue with the stupid shoes then, she could have told me about it then. I certainly wouldn’t have gone out and spend hundreds of dollars in view of this wedding if I had known then what I know now. I did tell her a few months ago that I would give them money for her letting us have our wedding at her house. Plus, there will be alot more men than women at this wedding and no dancing other than the first dance as hubby and wife.
ms-valentine You are so right. I’m also thinking this shoe thing is just an excuse and I totally agree with you that one night of wearing shoes on her damn hardwood floors isn’t going to damage it. Its so stupid. Here’s why I think the shoe thing is an excuse. She herself is getting married this summer. We live in Canada. She’s going to Las Vegas for her wedding. Then when she comes back, they are going to have a get together…at the bar where she plays darts every thursday night instead of inviting people at their house that they bought a year ago. You would think that you would want to show your new house but I guess she’s probably thinking if she’s not inviting ppl at her house to celebrate her wedding, she’s sure not going to let her step mother’s wedding happen there. Its so stupid but I’m so pissed off at her right now and I’m so happy that you totally understand me, that is, you offer your house and then change your mind for fear of damaging your hardwood floor.
I just have to let this whole situation go but it’s been bugging me like grrrrr since thursday. I doing everything to avoid her for now.
Thank you both for your comments.
Post # 7
traveller One of the reasons we were having the wedding at her house is because before accepted to let us have it at her house, I had looked everywhere for a venue where we could have an nice intimate wedding with about 20 pp max. I couldn’t find anything and I kept thinking how nice it would be if we could have it at her place. her father also thought it would be a good idea and it totally surprised me when he said he would talk to his daughter about it. we were all so happy when she said she would be honored to greet us in her home for this event. we are getting married in 2014. i know I still have time to find something else, but still, I did all the centerpieces, I’ve spent over 200 $ for the party favors, bought the aisle runner, the decorations, ordered and received special floating candles, bought all kinds of different vases for the flowers and candles, etc. etc. etc.
Just thinking about all this makes me sick to my stomach.
I got to let you go now. thank you for your input. I truly appreciate it.
Post # 8
So is her reason for saying no shoes because of damaging wood floors? Have you tried to compromise – you could ask guests to wear the heel-stoppers (these are really cheap and you can get them from most shoe shops) that protect hard floors (in addition to stopping heels sinking into grass if outside) – my FSIL asked guests to do this because it was a venue requirement. No one had any problems with this!
Post # 9
@Lauraine: I have had issues with my FILs, I really want to get married in their garden, it’s beautiful with roses and has enough room to have a nice cocktail party…but there’s no way we would ask them because I’m sure they would say yes, then pull the kind of crap that you are having to deal with! I would find another venue and not deal with her, because it sounds like more excuses will appear if she really doesn’t want people there.
Post # 10
Ok, so since no one else has said it yet, I will.
You are not ENTITLED to have your wedding and reception at someone’s home. Just because you want it there doesn’t mean you get it. I agree, it is a shame that for some reason (shoes or whatever) she has changed her mind. Maybe she didn’t want to host it to begin with, but felt pressure to agree at the time.
The few hundred dollars that you continue to complain about (in this thread and others) is a pittance when it comes to weddings. Also, wouldn’t these items all be used in your new venue? No money lost, no problem.
Also, please stop avoiding your daughter over this, for pete’s sake. I really would not expect to read this from a bride of your age.
Post # 11
@Lauraine: can you possibly get some floor runner rugs for the areas she is concerned about? Seems ridiculous that she has a new condition to the use of her house. Either that, or book a nice function room/hall somewhere where you can use your decorations. I’m sure a lot a of places will be happy for you to decorate the room? It might be the best options, to save you the drama of dealing with the daughter. I’m sorry you’re going through this – but I’m sure everything will be okay in the end and you will have your perfect day – without the drama.
Post # 12
OP I’m sorry, but I can think of a million reasons why your step daughter changed her mind. Maybe she thought it might be a problem when you said you’d wear shoes, but she wanted to consider it more. Maybe she felt railroaded into saying yes out of fear that you would avoid her, sulk, or try to exclude her from HER FATHER’S wedding? You know.. Just like you are.
Take the high ground on this. Realize that it’s her perogative, and that replacing the floors if something were messed up or dirtied from people trapsing through them would cost her more than the “few hundred dollars” you’re upset about. Which, like the above poster mentioned, you can still use in a different venue.