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this is a sticky situation. i had an ex with a sister like this. how long have you and your SO been together? with my ex's sister it wasn't until right before we broke up that me and her started seeing eye to eye. i just had to go WAY out of my way to smother her with kindness and it sucked and i didn't want to but i did it anyway.
maybe she's jealous that you two are happy? are her and your SO close? what reasons does she have to dislike you (if any... probably not)? maybe she is just unhappy with herself and her life. and most of the time that is the case. you have to be stressed out i'm sorry for that!
@persianprincess: My husband and I have been together for about two and a half years. She seems happy with her husband. I think she's jealous that we're closer to her parents (geographically) than she is, and I understand that (I'm 9 hours away form my parents) but I still think she could at least try.
Oh, that sounds like a very trying and tiring situation.:(
It's possible you may have done something inadvertantly that made her feel negatively towards you. It's probably best to stop having your husband being the go-between and talk to her directly. At least this will stop the fighting between you and your husband.
Maybe use email so it's less confrontational? Let her know she's completely safe to talk about anything that bothers her about you, even if it's a tiny minor thing... and then if/when (hopefully when) you get a response, try to be open and accepting of how she feels and how she sees things (ie, try not to be too defensive). It's clear that she currently doesn't feel like it's safe to speak to you about what's bothering her, and if you do want a relationship with her, you'll have to do your best to give her an environment where she feels safe to talk. This may mean backing off if she asks you to, but in that case give it something like a time frame so that you can both have closure after the time frame expires.
It's possible you may only ever have a polite, distant relationship with your SIL, but if you just do what you can, you will know you've done all you can. I think if you keep treating her with kindness, maybe she will come around one day, and you can hold your head up around her.
@cliffette: I just talked with my husband and he's feeling much of this is stemming from her jealousy over us living close to her parents. I'm not quite sure what to do about it and I'm not in the mindset to talk to her right now. Some of the things she's said have made me quite angry and I need some time to decompress I guess. I feel like I'm trying ot be nice and getting nothing in return and I'm just exhausted from trying to deal with it. Some of the things she's saying aren't even true (like that she heard we don't want her to come to her dad's company dinner...which is untrue because we didn't even KNOW she was going to the dinner until she said this statement tonight.
That is a hard situation. I think the only advice to give at this point, is that you've done all you can to befriend her, and that not every one is going to like you no matter how hard you try. Try to make the best of it and not take it personally. Grudges rarely last forever especially ones as seemingly unfounded as this.
I hope that's not the reason ... I mean that seems pretty trivial and completely not something YOU"RE responsible for at all. Seems silly she is taking it out on you tho.
New family dynamics take awhile to straighten out. She may feel threatened about being the center of attention?
You can only control your actions not hers .. .which makes it harder ... just keep the long term goal in mind. ... happy family gatherings.
to be honest for now i think you should leave it where it is and not push for more because that will lead to words being said. as she is happy enough to be polite then i suggest you let time pass and hopefully once she/everyone settles down into their own family dynamics then things will become less frosty
there is no rule that you have to be friends with your inlaws, if you can all be polite and friendly then thats a good start
goodluck
@Treasure43: Ah, then definitely it's wise to sit tight until you're calmer and can figure out what to do (or whether as the other bees have said, to decide you can live with the current state of things). I'm sorry you're in this situation. Yes, it sucks when you do what you can to reach out to someone and they seem to get more and more hostile for their own reasons. I'm glad you got to chat with your husband about it and get his take on the situation.
Thanks for the advice Bees. I think the problem is is that we seem to be being less civil to each other. Apparently she's holding a grudge because I forgot to hug her goodbye on Thanksgiving, when we were seeing each other the next day. DH's family hugs a TON and there's a lot of them so I'm still getting used to that and sometimes forget to hug or whatever. Also, I think DH and MIL get frustrated that we're not close and that there is tension.
Maybe because you're closer geographically she feels that you are taking her place in the family? I know that might seem far-fetched, but you should (or hubby) confront her with scenarios to get it out of her if she won't be forthcoming.
Just my $0.02!
That seems silly-like she's looking for excuses to upset you. I think you've done all you can, but unformtunately, a relationship is a two way street, and her side seems closed for construction.
Ok, it sounds to me like a huge miscommunication. I was told once that I'm intimidating, and it's because I'm actually pretty shy around other women. I guess because I kinda sit back and "assess" for awhile, it's hard for me to just jump right into a friendship with another woman. So maybe you give off a similar vibe, or maybe she just has a hard time as well? I say keep working on it, maybe just try to get some girl time without the hubbies a few times or something.
DH feels we need to talk to her about it and I would be open to it in the future....however she has said she is NOT open to that so I'm not really sure what to do about it. DH is worried they won't be in our lives when we have kids and such. I don't want to force anything but DH is very upset with feeling like they might not be in our lives much when we have kids and feeling like there's nothing to be done ot fic the situation. I agree that time withut the hubbies would be good but she's resistant to it and DH is worried it would get really ugly. However, I think it could be a good thing but if she's not for it...not much I can do.
@MissHobbit: I agree it seems like she's looking for excuses but that may be to cover her jealousy. I know she cried when she found out DH and I were carving pumpkins with MIL and FIL. I know it's tough being away from home but it's not like she's ignored. MIL goes to visit her often, they go shopping, and those pumpkins we carved? She and her husband and MIL and FIL went to the pumpkin patch and got them.
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I'll try to make this long story as short as possible. SIL and I don't get along. Probably the understatment of the century! Anyway, she was in my wedding party but didn't participate in many of the things. My rehearsal dinner night she didn't speak to me or any of the bridesmaids and my stepfather asked one of the BMs if SIL was mad or what. I was hurt she didn't say anything to me and was a little upset about it the night before our wedding. Throughout, we've had our difficult times, mainly because she would get upset with me about something and talk to her mother about it instead of me. I then couldn't go bakc and talk with her about it because it was information I'd heard second or third hand. Anyway, before Thanksgiving I told my husband I thought it would be nice to go out to lunch with her and her husband. He asks her and she's very hesitant and says she doesn't know and she'll get back to him. She never does, so finally at Thanksgiving he asks her if we're going to lunch the next day and after some hesitation she finally agrees. At lunch she talks mainly to her husband. I ask her some questions and she answers them shortly and says nothing else to me. That night the whole family goes to dinner and I try to make conversation with her and compliment her on her cute shoes. She answers me with a few words and doesn't elaborate or move the conversation along at all. DH noticed all this and said he thought he would talk to her and see what was up. Well he did. It ended badly. She apparently told him that she had "given up trying to get along with me" right before Thanksgiving. Which I don't get, because she told him at the wedding she wanted to get to know me better and we'd had a good time at my bachelorette party (though she was very standoffish at the rehearsal dinner...weird). He told her we should all get together and talk and figure out what's going on but she said that would make Christmas akaward and she thinks we should just forget about everything and move on. Problem is, I thought that's what we were doing and being civil as best we could. So I'm not sure this is working. I'm dreading spending Christmas with her. Every holiday I've spent in her presence leaves me feeling sad and hurt. And now DH and I are fighting because he feels in the middle. I have no idea what to do and am so sad about this. I feel like I tried to get to know her a bit over Thanksgiving and she completely shut down and it feels like a slap in the face. Any thoughts?