(Closed) :( Don’t know what to do

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

this is a sticky situation. i had an ex with a sister like this. how long have you and your SO been together? with my ex’s sister it wasn’t until right before we broke up that me and her started seeing eye to eye. i just had to go WAY out of my way to smother her with kindness and it sucked and i didn’t want to but i did it anyway.

maybe she’s jealous that you two are happy? are her and your SO close? what reasons does she have to dislike you (if any… probably not)? maybe she is just unhappy with herself and her life. and most of the time that is the case. you have to be stressed out i’m sorry for that!

Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh, that sounds like a very trying and tiring situation.:(

It’s possible you may have done something inadvertantly that made her feel negatively towards you. It’s probably best to stop having your husband being the go-between and talk to her directly. At least this will stop the fighting between you and your husband.

Maybe use email so it’s less confrontational? Let her know she’s completely safe to talk about anything that bothers her about you, even if it’s a tiny minor thing… and then if/when (hopefully when) you get a response, try to be open and accepting of how she feels and how she sees things (ie, try not to be too defensive). It’s clear that she currently doesn’t feel like it’s safe to speak to you about what’s bothering her, and if you do want a relationship with her, you’ll have to do your best to give her an environment where she feels safe to talk. This may mean backing off if she asks you to, but in that case give it something like a time frame so that you can both have closure after the time frame expires. 

It’s possible you may only ever have a polite, distant relationship with your SIL, but if you just do what you can, you will know you’ve done all you can. I think if you keep treating her with kindness, maybe she will come around one day, and you can hold your head up around her.

Post # 7
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

That is a hard situation. I think the only advice to give at this point, is that you’ve done all you can to befriend her, and that not every one is going to like you no matter how hard you try. Try to make the best of it and not take it personally. Grudges rarely last forever especially ones as seemingly unfounded as this. 

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I hope that’s not the reason … I mean that seems pretty trivial and completely not something YOU”RE responsible for at all.   Seems silly she is taking it out on you tho.  

New family dynamics take awhile to straighten out.  She may feel threatened about being the center of attention?  

You can only control your actions not hers .. .which makes it harder … just keep the long term goal in mind. … happy family gatherings.

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

to be honest for now i think you should leave it where it is and not push for more because that will lead to words being said. as she is happy enough to be polite then i suggest you let time pass and hopefully once she/everyone settles down into their own family dynamics then things will become less frosty

there is no rule that you have to be friends with your inlaws, if you can all be polite and friendly then thats a good start

goodluck

Post # 10
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@Treasure43: Ah, then definitely it’s wise to sit tight until you’re calmer and can figure out what to do (or whether as the other bees have said, to decide you can live with the current state of things). I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Yes, it sucks when you do what you can to reach out to someone and they seem to get more and more hostile for their own reasons. I’m glad you got to chat with your husband about it and get his take on the situation.

Post # 12
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Maybe because you’re closer geographically she feels that you are taking her place in the family?  I know that might seem far-fetched, but you should (or hubby) confront her with scenarios to get it out of her if she won’t be forthcoming.

Just my $0.02!

Post # 13
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

That seems silly-like she’s looking for excuses to upset you. I think you’ve done all you can, but unformtunately, a relationship is a two way street, and her side seems closed for construction. 

Post # 14
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

Ok, it sounds to me like a huge miscommunication. I was told once that I’m intimidating, and it’s because I’m actually pretty shy around other women. I guess because I kinda sit back and “assess” for awhile, it’s hard for me to just jump right into a friendship with another woman. So maybe you give off a similar vibe, or maybe she just has a hard time as well? I say keep working on it, maybe just try to get some girl time without the hubbies a few times or something.

The topic ‘:( Don’t know what to do’ is closed to new replies.

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